The Grass is NOT Greener on the Other Side

Finally moved on from an unrequited love...

FINALLY!!! I didn't tell her but hey at least we can continue being friends =)

And now on to the other side of greener pastures...

But alas damn wretched heart the grass is not greener on the other side...

To greener pastures they say but nay...

Oh woe is me...

Another F for me...

Been sad for a few days now...

Almost hit rock bottom again...

SIGHS...

Wounds have been opened...

Separation is the only answer...

Life is Equal But it's Unfair.

I know I'm being selfish by wanting her to also like me but anyone who has ever liked someone also wishes that their feelings be reciprocated... Is it too much to ask? While her happiness must always come first I can't help but feel not contented by only being a friend... but it seems that she is already happy with her life and I'm only a friend if indeed I am considered one... if in me a friend she needs then I'll stay that way and hide these wretched feelings of mine... but at the end of the day all I could do is force a smile to say that "hey at least were friends"... She shouldn't have been kind to me in the first place... She shouldn't have made me felt happy... She should have just ignored me from the beginning... Who am I kidding? I have become too emotionally attached that moving on is not an option... Should I stay by her side as a friend, I'm being a fool who exchanges his happiness for other's sake...

9 Months

9 months worth of pain... still no gain...

Oh woe is me...

A single picture broke everything...

I need to cut my heart open and pull it out...

I don't want to feel anything anymore...

My heart is beat up...

It is already broken to pieces...

I want to die...

She doesn't even care about me...

Nobody knows the turmoil inside my head...

Nobody knows the pain I've been through...

To find your dream and to lose it...

To be happy just to be sad...

Easily the Best Day of My Life so Far...

Praise the Lord wooohoooo!!!

I've never felt this happy since... I don't know when hahahaha!!!

I thought I've never have the chance but but... seems like there is a slight glitter of hope that I may actually be with her...

Yes she sees me only as a friend but hey it's better than nothing...

And she agreed to go eat out again with me hahahah!!! YES!!!

I thought life was only full of strife but I guess I was wrong... Life is beautiful for now that is...

The deadline is still up but so far things look like I'm gonna avoid that deadline =)

Through good times and bad times praised be thy God!!!

And now I can't study but who cares!?

What is important is that I am happy and she looked happy as well!!!

I don't know how long this would last but I am inspired after a very long time!!!

I need to tell this to my doctor, to my guidance counselor, and to my parents as well...

Let's see how long I can keep this up...

One day... one day...

To Greener Pastures

I can finally smile without any hindrances after a very long time...

I used to think that I was over it a few months ago when I "accepted" the fact that my love cannot be returned... 

I used to think that we were close friends... but maybe that's not really the case... we'll see in the upcoming days... I only need to talk to her once to have some sort of closure (no I will not reveal my true feelings)...

I used to think that I was way way better than her current boyfriend... but all is fair in love and war... Although from an objective point of view I am "better" in many ways well... to each his/her own due...

I am not saying that she does not deserve my time nor vice versa... I am also not saying that she made the wrong decision...

I am not the right man for her and she is not the right girl for me... Not that there is anything wrong with the both of us... Sometimes people just don't see each other in the same light...

I am not insecure just because someone who I consider is "lesser" than me got her... I am not saying that I'm better I am just articulating the fact that she already had someone even before I met her...

It is actually me who is at fault here because I tried to take someone already taken... But meh... after 8 months of depression and hope, the bittersweet feeling is now gone... Not that I hate her... I just happened to realize the fact I deserve better than my current situation with her...

I'm not angry... I'm not sad... I'm not bitter... I am however thankful to the Lord for making me realize and see that there is more to life than a single girl...

My guidance counselor told me that to be likeable one must like himself first... not the other way around which was my train of thought...

Now I don't need anyone's approval... I like myself whether you like me or not... whether no one likes me or not... I like myself regardless of my dark past... regardless of my secrets... I approve of myself regardless of my flaws... 

You ask why? Because God loves me the way I am and I like myself the way I am... This however does not mean that I won't try to fix myself... I will continue to fix my problems... I will continue to change my negative perspective about life and everything else...

Diamonds are formed because of pressure...

I will continue to grow as a person... I will be beautiful inside... I'm not saying that I am not but what I'm trying to point out is that I will be BETTER!!!

I know the problems won't stop... There will come a time where I will be down and out again... but after 10 long years of being down I have always found a way to stand back up again thanks to God...

I can finally smile... No matter how many times I see her I will not feel the pain anymore for I have moved on to greener pastures...

I have a few more months to be a better person... Come November 2 and I am still in the same shit hole then

I will eventually have to end my life... But I'm putting up a good fight... 

I have taken the first few steps to be better... 

- Letting go of my past...

- Accepting that my love can't be returned not that there is anything wrong with me or her...

- Finally staying positive that I can somehow be a better person before November 2...

Well how about that I think a few more steps and I maybe out of my misery haha =)

My inspiration is myself... My source of willpower to be inspired to help myself is God.

Tomorrow's Trigger

Whew as a tough day of training will come to an end... I must face another tough day tomorrow but this time it has nothing to do with the physical but with the mental and the emotional...

I don't need to explain it in detail but to sum it up I know I will be depressed tomorrow because of two things...

Quite funny that I have to choose one or the other for the reason of me being depressed tomorrow haha...

1.) If I see the my trigger I know I will be depressed as shit...

2.) If I don't see my trigger I will surely be depressed as well since I will be missing her...

I just can't get her off my fucking mind!!!

 I'm already physically worn out and having to deal with shit isn't doing any good to my overall health...

Well at least I will get to see one of the school's guidance counselor, I can explain to him the shit I've been feeling...

I've been writing a lot about this loveless emo shit but hey this is the only place where I get to vent it out...

Sighs... All I could do is to sigh... Sighs.... I just can't accept the fact that...

Maybe there is something wrong with me... There must be...

Maybe telling her about my self turned her off... I knew it!!!

The moment I let my guard down and told her what the fucking hell happened to me growing up surely must have scared her off... Fuck life... Nobody would be interested in a victim and "victimizer"...

Seems that no one can accept me for being who I am... Having a dark past and all that shit... I never should have opened up to her... I know I don't have any swagger on but hey this is who I am...

All she does to me is make me feel like a total loser, a total trash, a reject of society...

All because of my stupid past, my stupid experiences... damn fuck!!!

At the end of the day I still am an island...

Damn Coincidence!!!

Damn her!!!

Who is she to destroy my life?! Who is she to make me miserable?!

Ahhh well... it's just me being bitter and all that negative unrequited love emotion shit...

It was my fault anyway for living in a make-believe world where she and I could be together...

But this is reality and it is a fact that she does not see me the same way I see her...

I saw her this morning and she nonchalantly and casually waved at me... She did not say anything nor looked at me (she tapped and me and waved while not looking at me).

I do not want nor need to see her as my doctor ordered but there goes fate making me realize how much important she is to me and that I still can't get her off my damn heart and mind!!!

I am nothing but the irrelevant 0.1% to her while she is my 100%... I do not even matter not even as a friend... She treated me like I am some sort of mere acquaintance after 8 months of being her "close" friend...

DAMN HER!!!

I think I need to cut to get her off my mind... so I can study for law class later...

Here I am rambling about how miserable my stupid life is and tomorrow I'll ask her for lunch and after that I will just continue to be bitter and shit... And oh she just rejected my offer twice already...

Guess that's life... Once you found 'em they will never be yours...

Just keep moving forward...

Your smile makes me weep.
It hurts somewhere deep.

Why do you treat me so?
Alone in my heart I woe.

I know your heart can never be mine.
Until then I shall never be fine.

You could save me from myself.
Yet you never offer any help.

To my one and only.
My feelings you do not return not even partially.

Seems you found your happiness.
While I dwell in my own darkness.

Is it too much to ask oh cruel fate?
Such pain in me you create.

Oh miserable life.
Why must you add her to my strife?

To end it is the only choice.
So said the voice.

All I ever want is you.
Please believe what I've said is true.

It Is An Art...

Damn... An animated movie just fucked up my day!!!

I watched the movie "5 Centimeters Per Second"... It was very beautiful yet it depicts a very ugly truth... I will not go into details about the movie, its plot, etc... All I can say is that it is a must-watch film... The pace is slow though but there is something special about that slow pace and every little detail / thought that is put into it...

Damn... Just watch the film and you will know how I feel... and given my circumstances... This film is so heart wrenching... more than "Grave of the Fireflies"... stupid train!!!

I was looking for the ending to embed here but damn... I couldn't bring myself to even listen to it... Anyways here is the ending and I...

Good Lord!!! This movie really ripped my heart out... It did not only touch my heart... This movie crushed it!!!

I still feel down everytime I try to remember this... Damn!!! I don't want to be a spoiler but the last song, the final scene... they really...

Anyways... The guy smiled at the end... He realized that she has moved on and he is happy about it... He is happy for her and for himeslf because they can now go on with their lives... SHIT!!! but still...

Moving on... it is an art that is hard to master... the thing is I haven't really moved on... Its not about love... Moving on is realted to everything that has passed... Love is usually a related topic about moving on but many things can be related to it...

I for one have wasted 5 years of my life because I failed to move on and forgive myself for doing a horrible thing to my sister...

I have wasted 4 years of my life because I have failed to move on from a simple crush that I had... A simple crush that went deep to my heart because she is so... but she was too perfect for me thats why I never had the courage... And oh I sent her a message on facebook about it... caused me a a few weeks of depression... Its on this blog... I messed up about it... but there is no point in crying over spilled milk...

But that was not a simple crush that easily went away... It caused me a lot of grief and deprived me of happiness for the rest of my high school year...

I feel so pathetic because I failed to let go of something I never even had in the first place... I failed to move on from something that is imaginary... We were never even friends... but the "what ifs and what could haves" really is gnawing at me every single night...

And all of this made me to who I am today... a negative, hopeless, self-hating (I hated myself so much becuase I did something wrong and because I did not do what is right) person... but I am not that person... Look at my previous post and you will see that I am starting to change my ways but still... 5 years is relatively short but those 5 years are my high school years... supposedly the best years a student can have... and the effects have carried on even to my 2nd year of college...

Long story short... "5 cm per second" made me realize that I need to move on... I need to let go of my past... The things I've done and the things I failed to do... The guy in the film was happy about it... Before he realized it his life was starting to crumble... I basically need to move forward...

And the thing about this other girl who also happens to be taken is also another issue for me... Come to think of it I have only really felt this kind of attraction to about 2 to 4 girls... As a boy I have a lot of crushes but they do not last long except for these two... The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend is because of my "easy-fading interest" and when I do find someone who I am really attracted to... I just can't bring myself to do anything because of everything that I have posted on this blog (inferiority, anxiety, my personality, my past, etc...)

So the only time that I really feel my "heart beat"... on both of these occassions... they are both FUCKING TAKEN!!! And I can't even do anything about it... I don't want to enumerate why but this is where inferiority kicks in...

Sighs... I really need to master the art of moving on... The second time I felt something fill up my gaping heart... I did something about it... I started to change myself (I also changed myself the first time; studying hard to be in the star section and all that...) but this second time... I really dug deep and I tried to be as positive as I can... I denounced all of my inferiorities but still... She outright ignored me... it hurts... damn... I shouldn't have...

What is wrong with me? Realistically speaking I am not ugly (on the outside that is...), I have a fairly good life, I may be not the smartest but I can say that I am somewhat intelligent, I am no couch potato nor am I physically weak... But why the hell...

Well my life has to go on... I need to forget about them... They are happy with their own lives... I must start moving forward...

She has only ignored me but she has not really "rejected" me or anything... I could be wrong but I need to stop being passive and negative about it... I will not give up...

Sighs... I need to do someting about it... I'm trying to actively pursue her when classes resume... I'm doing my best to "cure" myself of everything that is bothering me... I need to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to have a chance to even be friends with her... (we are friends on facebook and we do sometimes talk but still...) If for my own happiness I need to step on somebody I will do it... She might have a boyfriend but I'll do my very best to be a better man for her...

I'm doing my best now to change... to be a better person... for her...  I don't know what will happen but this time I will take a risk... I'm excited to go back to school... Now if she rejects me... well that topic is reserved for another day if it indeed happens...

I may sound shallow as of late because of all this lovey-dovey stuff... but I need this... I feel like I need someone... I have been an island for as long as I can remember... I guess its also about time that I look for someone to share my life with... Thats why I'm fixing my life so... you know...

Hope for the best... I'm not yet expecting the worst because it will trigger my negative emotions but I feel like I'll be prepared for it though...

Eruption...

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

I went to a childhood "friends" 18th birthday... damn... I wish I never came... I have to admit she was beautiful though...

The point is people were asking a dreaded question... People were asking if I have a girlfriend... FUCK YOU ALL!!!

These stupid ass bitches were rubbing me off the wrong way... they know that I don't have one so why do they ask? They ask because they want to make me feel bad about myself...

These people rub off my social anxiety with me... They are making fun of me still being single...

Fuck life...

Then my parents talked about it in the car... Then I somehow got mad but I managed to keep my cool... But the thing is...I never wanted to be like this...

I don't want to leave our house again... whenever I leave the house... all I see are things I don't have...

The celebrant had many friends who went there... damn... I really wish from the bottom of my heart that I can somehow have friends like that...

I fucking hate myself for being afraid of any social interaction... damn...

I'm just bitter... These people don't really mean any harm to me but I think so because of my own pathetic life...

And we left early... some people stayed for the after party... here I am stupidly ranting...

I really wish... I need... But somehow God won't give me...

FUCK THIS LIFE!!!

FUCK SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!

FUCK INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

FUCK THE REASONS OF MY INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!

I don't want to cut... but thats the only thing I have right now...

Damn... I'm so pathetic... I'm such a loser...

I never wanted to be aloof... I just want to...

The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend or close friends is because I know that these people will not accept me for who I am... They will despise me once they knew who the real me is... They would make fun of me... They will reject me... So I reject them first...

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!

I FUCKING HATE THIS LIFE!!!

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!

ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND FROM MYSELF!!!

DAMN!!!

BULLSHIT!!!

I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!

GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I DON'T HAVE ANY RELEASE!!! FUCK IT!!!

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

My Life in Shambles

My life is crumbling to pieces...

Well as I have said before... this blog would serve as my "memoir"... and that include me putting up pictures of my cuts here...

Not that I flaunt it like some stupid emo guy... Everything here has a purpose...

I know its pretty lame...but I am saving "space"... I can only cut on my thighs and my body... I need to conserve these places for the future...

Do I really have to explain this? It is very straight forward... I hate myself...

Another straight forward message... I'm a loser...Notice that I put a " : " there because I am not only a loser... there are many things that I am, like this for example...

See... I'm saving space... I don't want to mindlessly slash myself in horizontal and vertical lines... And it has more "meaning" than just plain old cuts...

Just yesterday, my inferiority has really gone off the roof...

WARNING LOVELESS EMO RANT COMING UP:

Well I feel really down yesterday... I mean nobody really talks to me... Nobody adds me on facebook... Nobody texts me... Nobody even tries to be friendly to me... And there is this guy on the dorm that every girl seems to like... SIGHS... I feel like a total loser... No one from my dorm would even notice me... No girl has ever shown any interest in me... I am not even close with my room mates... occasional nods and smiles but thats it... Many beautiful girls reside on my dorm... triggers me everyday... I keep asking myself what does that guy have why everyone likes him? I mean well I won't even try to give compliments to myself and enumarate the good things that I have since it is worthless and futile...

Anyways, enough of this emo rant... My grades are also slipping so yeah, everything is falling apart... mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...


Christmas is coming... of course I won't be in any parties... of course no one would greet me... of course it is another cold Christmas for me...

My life is in shambles... I feel like God does not want me... Is there reason enough to live?

A Vent

Dear diary...

Its the start of a new day... new but the same as before... so its not really new...

I have just read a few replies on a forum that really messes up my mood... I don't want to see that thread again... DAMN!!! Its like someone is putting alcohol on a very very big wound that I have...

School time again... I feel though that I am starting to lose my grip on my mental stabilty... I've been having a really hard time trying to act normal when I'm at school... Its hard to wear a mask when deep down something is destroying you...

Well in general it is hard to live outside of my room because every time I step out I must step out as a "normal" guy... No one must see through me... It is really hard... people think they know you but no...

DAMN that stupid thread I made... made a fool out of myself again... not that it matters because I don't have to hide my face or anything... and the receiver of that damn shit won't also see me so good thing I still saved face...

I'm starting to feel like a volcano... I feel though that anytime I can "erupt"... another violent outburst... things that make me look like a belong to an asylum...

I always go out with a fake smile... my serious deposition is a way for me to "ward off" people so that they won't try to be friends with me... it hurts me when someone tries to be friends with me because I know that they will not really be my friends once they know who the real me is...

Another day... sighs... I wish I can feel a short respite... Exams are coming up next week... still haven't studied... And because I was absent almost the whole week last week I have a lot of things to catch back up... Paper works are also piling up... damn college life... Others survive because they have a "support system of college friends"... me on the other hand... has no support sytem shit whatsoever...

I have just learned yesterday that me longing for someone to love me is futile... I mean what was I even thinking? I clearly have no business with that kind of shit... It hurts but I have to accept that I'll be alone... I'll probably grow old alone having this issues...

Fucking stupid life!

And oh to add to my vent... I saw that some keywords for my blog are "emo cuts on arms", "emo cuts on fore arms"... I mean I'm not a fucking emo... well I don't dress like one... then I looked up in the net about pictures of cutting... Clearly some people are just doing it to be labelled "emo" it has become a fad or whatever...

I don't want to be labelled as an emo guy... I'm only doing this to keep control whenever I feel severely depressed.... damn this kids putting make ups and eyeliners... listening to sad music... damn them they have no idea how it is to be "internally diturbed"... they make it look like cutters are superficial...

Does it look cool? No it doesn't... cuts only serve as a reminder of bad experiences... well why do these emo kids who you see flaunting their make up and smiling like bitches cut? Well to them it looks cool, be called "emo". Fuck that shit!!!

Stupid people... I'd do anything to not be an "emo"... but they try to be... stupid kids... Cutting is not cool... I will do anything to be a normal guy... Stupid bitches...

There are those who don't appreciate the "emo culture"... it is as if they make fun of cutters...

Having depression and other issues is not cool... they try to be all negative in life just to look like their favorite rock bands or whatever...

Bounce...

Heart Still Beats

SIGHS...

I have sent her a message... damn... Well I don't know why I feel nervous... I am not expecting anything... I just wanted to get some things off my chest... Here is the message I sent her:

Please delete this message afterwards and please don’t reply...

Good am... I’m really sorry for bothering you... First of all this message may sound stalker-ish but I promise you its not... This may look creepy or disturbing but I have no intention of being a creep or something else for that matter... I happened to see your profile on facebook on the “people who you might know” section... You of course do not know me, only by name I guess... We were batchmates for two years and I uhhmm... I need to get some things off my chest... It has been bothering me for some time now... I just wanted to say that I used to have a big crush on you... (whew)....  Now that I have said it, it feels good to get some things off my chest...  Its really only a simple thing but at least I have got through an obstacle of sorts...Anyways, I never had the chance to say it to you before... and it has bothered me for some time...  pathetic right? You most likely won’t remember my name anymore... I am not trying to be some sort of stalker here alright? Coincidence happens and when I saw your picture I thought “hey she looks familiar”... and then... I remembered and I decided to say it to you personally... This is not some sort of love letter just to be clear... Please do not reply even if you just want to say how stupid I am for doing this or something along those lines, I just really wanted to have no regrets or anything... I made a fuss over such a small thing but hey thats my nature and I needed to just clear my thoughts away... Now that I have said it to you... I can finally say that I have finished one of my “unfinished businesses in life”... Of course this has no effect on you whatsoever because you can easily disregard and forget that a total stranger sent you a message... but If you have read this then I am thankful to you for giving some attention/time... you have just helped someone...

Again I am not spying on you or anything, it was pure coincidence... This also is not a letter of confession... I am not asking for your pity or anything... But you have helped someone “complete a quest” like in an RPG and I thank you for that...

PLEASE DELETE THIS MESSAGE AND PLEASE DO NOT REPLY... JUST THINK OF IT AS A SPAM THAT REACHED YOUR INBOX... I WILL NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE I PROMISE YOU THAT... SORRY FOR DISTURBING YOU AND YOU WILL HEAR NO MORE FROM ME...

And oh I’m not a liar, when I said that “don’t reply” I mean it... It is not reverse psychology to start an online conversation with you or anything... I really mean it... I am not trying to be an emo guy or anything... I really mean it when I said “don’t reply”... As I have said earlier this message is for the purpose of getting some things off my chest only... I honor my words and you will not be bothered again...GOOD DAY...

Well thats my 4 years worth of repressed emotions right there... I actually feel kinda happy knowing that I did something for myself... I am cleaning out my "closet" and I believed that this one should be dealt with... Only a few more skeletons and my closet will be "okay" again...

I don't care how I come off... all I wanted was to say it... I know she won't bother with it but I can say to myself that I have at least tried...

Looks pathetic though... nevertheless I'm one step closer to solving my problems... even just the minor ones like this...

=)

Coincidental Crossroads

Meh...

I have joined a new forum yesterday... Their section about "Remorse", "Child Abuse", and "Paraphilia" will probably be the most helpful sections for me... I was glad to find the place... People there are more "open" especially to sensitive topics like pedophilia... No we do not plan on something nor do we share some smut... The people there ask for help because they don't want to be a pedo... I mean who wants to be right? Even after admitting it I still don't feel any better... It only causes me to delve more on my thoughts...

Now off to the main topic of my post...

I find it very funny and hurtful at the same time that I saw on facebook my former schoolmate who has indirectly caused me a lot of emotional pain... The first time I saw her profile was on friendster... 4 years ago... I was so nervous on sending her a friend request because I was very shy... On the same mall where I was surfing 4 years ago I saw her profile on facebook... She has not changed... Unknowingly she is still killing someone inside...

I saw her on my freshman year in high school... Attraction at first site... I felt like she was the one who can fill the gaps in my gaping heart... however there was a catch... She was out of my league... I was on the lowest section back then and I was kinda like a slob... To solve my problems... I studied hard to be smarter, I started playing basketball to get fit and i did everything I could to be "likeable"... I have reached my goals on my sophomore year...

I was put on the "star section"... I got fit... and I looked better than last year... But all of my efforts were still futile because even with all of my "improvements" I still feel unworthy to even be her friend... She eventually had a boyfriend who I think is not deserving of her...

I was hurt... of course she does not know that I like her, I think... but the point is I was hurt... My efforts were wasted and I saw someone I consider special just pass me by... (I still feel angry and sad whenever I think of this)... I know its only puppy love but still...

I have lost any interest in school... Suspensions here and there, had a few fights, grades flunking, what else?
From being motivated I went downhill to the point that I had to leave for another school... My grades were passable but I chose to change schools the next year becaus I can't bear the pain of seeing her with someone... So selfish of me but I can't deny that I was really hurt...

Onto my 3rd year of high school in a new school... I have developed a sense of inferiority because of that... I isolated myself... I did not welcome any other form of attraction... because I'm afraid that I will be unworthy again and I'll be hurt...

Things went from worse to worst for me... This was around the time that my depression got worse and I can't control my anger... I went to a psychiatrist because I have a very high chance of being dropped out of school and I was also being more violent... I had the 2nd most number of days absent at 30 something... Before that, on my 2nd year (the time I lost interest in school because of being "heart broken") I had the most number of lates and cuts on that school...

The point is this girl, because she is just so damn perfect, unknowingly destroyed my already broken life... She added to the pain I was suffering... I have lost all of my self confidence during those two years... I felt unworthy, I felt like trash...

I still don't feel confident around women and I don't think I have a chance on the girl who I mentioned a few posts earlier...

Why is this entitled "Coincidental Crossroads" ? I named it like that because of the coincidences like the mall for example... I was also confronting other issues that I have like pedo (same time at sophomore year when I almost tried to...) stuff and now she "shows up"... God must want me to fix all of my problems and finish all of my unfinished business...

I have made up my mind... I will send her a message saying that I used to like her very much and that she has caused me a lot of troubles... No I will not try to be friends with her or anything, I just want to get some things off my chest... She will think that I am a stalker, well she probably already thought of it before because of the friendster feature of "who viewed" your profile... but I don't give a FUCK!!! I want to be "free"... I am doing this for myself... to confront my skeletons on my damn closet...

I will come off as a jerk, I will look like a pathetic stalker, I will look like a freak.... I just don't give a DAMN anymore!!! I am now motivated to solve all of my problems... from my social life to my dark experiences...

I am READY!!! I will of course feel depressed but at least I could say to myself that I left no stone unturned (if its appropriate)... This will make me sad but this will probably help me be a "normal" guy...

I need to clean out my closet...

A Short Respite

Its been almost a month now...

I've had a very very tough month... Every day is a struggle to stay focused on my studies... I think I am near my "boiling point"... I don't feel like going to school anymore... I only attended Monday classes and thats it... I will go back to school next Monday and hopefully by that time I have sorted out my thoughts...

I'm at my parent's house right now to "relax" a little... They know that I have problems... They always ask me "What are my problems?" but I won't tell them any... I just tell them that I have some things on my mind... things that kill me inside...

I don't feel stressed out here in the province... Maybe I'll drive a little just for fun... Maybe I'll go to the mall later to relieve me of my thoughts... I know I'm just suppressing my depression by doing some activities... School related activities cause so much stress so I decided to go back home...

I don't feel stressed out but I still don't have "inner peace"... I can't tell my parents about the things that I've done... It will most probably cause a rift in my family... I don't want that to happen to my family - it is one of the only things that I find important...

Its the first time in a month that I feel like I have nothing to worry about... I feel "fine" as of this moment but I know I'm just on borrowed time... Not everyday is like this... I'll eventually go back to school and catch up on the past lessons and double my efforts to offset my missed quizzes... Ever since my skeletons-in-the-closet resurfaced, my studies have been negatively affected... This is the longest I've been depressed... The usual ones last only a week or two but this one is already a month old and still counting...

I have lost the will to pursue a better future... I don't want to go back to school anymore... College life sucks a lot if you don't have any inspiration... I have lost my only inspiration... I know I'm just being positive, thinking that I have a chance but hell no... Reality struck and it hurts to see the truth... I can live with it though...

Had a bad day yesterday... Lost two games... I'm thinking of permanently stop playing basketball... Almost had a fight with this dude who complained... I wish the referee didn't stop us... The foolish guy thought that his "gym muscles" would scare me... I'm laughing at him thinking that this guy has no idea who he is up against... Not that I'm the best but I train martial arts (BJJ + some Muay Thai) and I can literally kick his head off or permanently destroy his limbs with a submission... Too bad though... He said sorry after our little scuffle so I let it slide... I'm the kind of person that easily forgives someone given that they say sorry or accept my apology... 

Christmas is near... My goal of being in a relationship or at least something near one before Christmas is a failure... I always knew I'd screw up... Looks like another "cold" Christmas for me...

I am doing my best to stay positive... Two more days before I see my doctor for the first time in three years... SIGHS... Dead man walking...

I have many things on my mind... but I won't let them bother me from my short "timeout"... The year is about to end... By far 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had... I really wish that I'll find someone worth living for before this year ends... So far God is the only one who has kept me going... my family also but I feel that nothing will change whether I'm dead or alive... Now if I find someone.... (I have already found her years ago but...)

Nobody really reads this stupid blog of mine... Why do I keep on updating it? I keep updating this blog because this will be my "final notes" if I indeed commit suicide... As the title suggests everything that I write here is an experience on my "Road to XuiXide"...

Another Day of Depression

Sighs...

I haven't been to able to go to the doctor last saturday (yesterday) because I attended a required " school talk". The doctor was already out by the time the forum was finished... I managed to tell my problems to a friend and to my parents... I never told them about my "abused becomes abuser" problem... I told them however of my self harm and some reasons for my depression, the latter I did not tell my parents... Anyway it does not feel good... Am I supposed to feel relieved if I tell someone about my problems? I never felt anything close to being relieved, in fact I only felt worse because I put my guard down...

I told my parents a while ago... my dad kinda shrugged it off at first before I talked to them seriously but they responded with the bullshit "you don't have any reason to feel like that because of you are not some beggar or something"... I just told them that it doesn't matter... They however would give me money for the doctor. Money is the only reason why I talked to them. I don't have enough to provide for it. My allowance is not enought to cover that... My sisters overheard and I feel like a total loser... I don't trust my family IDK why...

My parents looked sad especially my mother. I know that they care but they do not understand... I should have never told them because it will make them worry... It also pains me that they said that I was already fine... They thought that my first theraphy was successful because I started going back to shchool... How naive? They never noticed that there is something beneath the mask that I show them. I bowed to never tell them anything about me ever... I'll just show my happy face to them so they won't worry...

They asked me if I have friends... I said yes which is somewhat true but I was never close to anyone... just like my parents my so called "friends" buy into my "normal guy" act...They asked me if I was dumped by a girl... I said no which is also somewhat true because I never even tried to court one because I know I'll get dumped, that girl went to someone unworthy - stupid bitch. That stupid girl was from my high school days... They asked if I should have a girlfriend... I said no which is a probably a lie... but I know I have no chance to be liked by someone...

There was also someone who sent me a pm in a forum... I told her some things about like my "abuser" nature... She never replied... I also saw a thread in there about a guy who suffers the same problem as me... why he has "pedo" tendencies... his description of how he came to be is almost exactly as mine.... It started out as a social anxiety to inferior feelings to finally shifting attraction to people who are not of the same age... The point is this guy was not really welcomed even by the community... The girl who sent a pm was probably disgusted of me... so even in the internet we find no place... But who can blame them?

I know I wouldn't... I hate myself... Just cut a few minutes ago... I deserve to feel pain.... I deserve to not be helped.... I deserve to be lonely.... I don't deserve any compassion... I don't deserve to live...

Her Smile

Damn...

Just as I expected... I failed again as usual... If only I have the courage to take out my own eyes to not see. If only I could rip my heart to not feel. So "emo"... I hate it... I have never thought that this kind of thing will happen to me. I always thought that I could live alone... I told myself to not "feel" again... I have rejected the notion of love... I was succesful for 2-3 years but then one day and BOOM!!! Everything that I believed in was put to pieces. Laugh at me cruel fate! I experience some sort of dissonance inside... I don't feel butterflies in my stomach... I only feel the pain that I was attracted to someone but couldn't do anything about it.

Why couldn't I do anything about it? Everythin about me is wrong... I can't let people know who I am... what I am... what I've done... My isolation is taking a huge toll on my mind... I can stand isolation if I can't see people... but everyday I have to go to class... and every other day I have to see her... PUTANG INA!!!

In a world where everyone is connected here I am left out... an outcast if you will... The internet is oppressing me... College is oppressing me... and in the end I oppress myself... AHHHHHH!!!!!

I can't go to my doctor this Saturday... I have a class which I'll attend... I thought that if I could see my doctor again and explain my situation maybe I'll feel a little relieved... But NO!!! I have another week to try and survive... I'll have to wake up for another 7 days knowing that I would go someplace that is full of triggers!!! Every M-W-F a bigger trigger is always present...

Mind: What?!! People are your trigger?!!!
Me: Yes...
Mind: LOL, sorry ass bitch LOL!!!
Me: .........
Mind: Go kill yourself already! Your a sorry exceuse for a person!!!
Me: I know that! Don't rub it on my face!!!
Mind: Then if you know that why do you still continue to try to exist?
Me: (starts listing down the pros and cons of suicide... becomes a coward in the end)
Mind: You are even afraid to take your life!!! Man your pathetic!!!
Me: (starts thinking about my Christian values.... prays to God... prays for forgiveness and praying for a better tomorrow.... cuts if head hurts too much and chest feels so heavy.... then goes to sleep)
The next morning after class.... SAME THING AGAIN!!!

This has been happening to me for a long time... but it became worse when a girl smiled at me... I never thought that I would be noticed for I am a piece of trash... My mind was confused... my heart feels pain... my soul starts to wither...

And she smiled again at me a while ago.... PUTANG INA!!! But I know deep inside that I could just pathetically try to be confident... No matter what I do I'll end up short... But why do I try to start a conversation, something I absolutely suck at? Why do I try to get out of my situation, something that would never improve? Why did I even go to school, something I should have never done???

BULLSHIT!!!!!!

3rd Day of Despair

3rd entry:

My chest feels so heavy. I feel so sad right now... I never thought that a serious reflection about myself would make me depressed... I knew that I had many many flaws, I recognize them and it depreciates my self-worth... But I did not reflect on my more serious flaws... I "stored" them and never brought them back out... But a thread made me take a look at it... It had a huge effect on me, I feel guilty of what I've done but I never took it seriously. To begin with I never had any social skills, my self-esteem never developed because of the circumstances I've had growing up... I don't interact too much not because I don't want to but because I can't... My self hate grew, my self confidence diminished, my social skills became non-existent. I always exclude myself and it feels right.

I however did something that would really made me hate myself even more, its not just about self confidence problems but also I feel so ashamed of myself thats why I up to this point never had any close friends...

I had "friends" but I always put on a mask so they don't really know me. I reject people by not being friendly with them... I act cold so they would not come near me... I don't want them because I know that they will never want me... Most of the people I know are ignorant, they think I have no reason wto have problems but problems do not always arise from material insuffiency... Most of the people I know, when I see them, asks me:

Arrogant Person I unfortunately know: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one.
Arrogant Person: Why?
Me: I prioritize other things. (I lie with a very serious face)
Arrogant Person: Maybe you are gay:
Me: No I'm not ( I don't show that I'm hurt)
Arrogant Person: Why don't you have one? You have (inserts compliments that are based on physical/material stuff).
Me: ........... (It's not that simple... I know very well that no one would like me for who I am so why bother right?)

And the arrogant person is everyone I know. I have been asked like a hundred of times by my classmates,relatives,family friends,almost everyone I know of. Same question, same answers, I sometimes smile to show that I just shrug the question off.

It hurts me a lot... Its like they keep rubbing it off on me... They know that I'll never have one but they keep asking like making fun of me...

I always say to myself that if I will only have at least one girl who would love me for who I am then I'll be happy even if the whole world hates me...

The problem is I'm unlikeable, even I don't like what I see in the mirror. Its not that I'm ugly physically... I'm ugly on the inside, my soul is ugly as fuck.

While many of my country men suffer because of poverty, here I am being "emo" about "unimportant" stuff. Hey love is also a basic need according to Maslow.

My problem seems so simple and trivial but I don't know how to overcome it... I could always get a prostitute to shut people up (I am of legal age)... but my problem is myself.... who I am, what I am...

I don't even look in a person's eyes directly because I feel so ashamed of myself... I am always labelled as rude because I just pass by people I know if they won't make the first greeting. Everyone knows I'm an introvert but no one knows that I'm happy being one...

Of course no one would think that I have internal problems because I'm such a good actor... Even my parents think I'm normal now... My theraphy (stopped 2 years ago) was only on controlling my anger and holding off my emotions but they don't know that my destructive nature is caused by what I've written here... My theraphist, school councilors didn't know that I have "deeper" problems... I always lied to them.

I don't know if I should be thankful of it or not but have I never believed in God I would have never lasted. I am "forced" to go through my life. Maybe everything that I have posted is a test for me to overcome. Maybe a punishment. Maybe its the devil trying to screw me up.

Im uncertain but I'm sure of one thing, I can't always live like this. There will be a breaking point, I have never reached it yet. My 2 suicide attempts were not on the "breaking point". I was just depressed thats why I chickened out.

Everyone has problems, it so just happens that mine is simple and I can't solve it.