Tomorrow's Trigger

Whew as a tough day of training will come to an end... I must face another tough day tomorrow but this time it has nothing to do with the physical but with the mental and the emotional...

I don't need to explain it in detail but to sum it up I know I will be depressed tomorrow because of two things...

Quite funny that I have to choose one or the other for the reason of me being depressed tomorrow haha...

1.) If I see the my trigger I know I will be depressed as shit...

2.) If I don't see my trigger I will surely be depressed as well since I will be missing her...

I just can't get her off my fucking mind!!!

 I'm already physically worn out and having to deal with shit isn't doing any good to my overall health...

Well at least I will get to see one of the school's guidance counselor, I can explain to him the shit I've been feeling...

I've been writing a lot about this loveless emo shit but hey this is the only place where I get to vent it out...

Sighs... All I could do is to sigh... Sighs.... I just can't accept the fact that...

Maybe there is something wrong with me... There must be...

Maybe telling her about my self turned her off... I knew it!!!

The moment I let my guard down and told her what the fucking hell happened to me growing up surely must have scared her off... Fuck life... Nobody would be interested in a victim and "victimizer"...

Seems that no one can accept me for being who I am... Having a dark past and all that shit... I never should have opened up to her... I know I don't have any swagger on but hey this is who I am...

All she does to me is make me feel like a total loser, a total trash, a reject of society...

All because of my stupid past, my stupid experiences... damn fuck!!!

At the end of the day I still am an island...

The Need to Die

I feel the need to die...

I feel irrelevant...

I am nothing to others...

I feel null and void...

I feel like I've never existed...

I am the 0.1%...

I feel like shit...

I feel like my head is about to explode...

I am a trash of a person...

I feel like my heart is wilting from loneliness...

I feel the need to cut myself...

I am not happy...

I feel the hate and anger inside me...

I feel I need to die...

Rehab and Shit

I haven't posted in a long long while. But to sum things up here are the shit that has happened to me so far:

- I was supposed to finally end my life via OD by using my meds.
- I told my crush who also happens to be my friend "Goodbye"  and oh I also gave her a gift that she nonchalantly accepted FUCK but she kept on pressing for info and well I spilled the beans. I kinda regret telling her my secrets though as she now thinks I'm disgusting.
- I chickened out and was sent to a psychological recovery center.
- I met true friends at the center.We were all on the same boat so yeah we kinda like connect with each other.
- I was trying to fix myself when I was at the facility and I felt like I was fine so I was released within a week!
- Praise God and everything. I found a "new life"but things are going a little downhill for me at the moment.

The implications of what happened:
- I will stay in college for another damn year cause a class of mine was delayed due to me being sent to a rehab FUCKSHIT!!!
- I've told a few people about my past and guess what that doesn't sit well with me.
- The good thing is that I became closer with my crush and I'm planning on asking her out sometime but meh... I'm just asking to be friendzoned haha.

At the end of the day the inevitable just got delayed... I'm planning on committing suicide during the graduation of my supposed batch (take note I was supposed to graduate with them but boo fucking hoo shit happens).

Eruption...

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

I went to a childhood "friends" 18th birthday... damn... I wish I never came... I have to admit she was beautiful though...

The point is people were asking a dreaded question... People were asking if I have a girlfriend... FUCK YOU ALL!!!

These stupid ass bitches were rubbing me off the wrong way... they know that I don't have one so why do they ask? They ask because they want to make me feel bad about myself...

These people rub off my social anxiety with me... They are making fun of me still being single...

Fuck life...

Then my parents talked about it in the car... Then I somehow got mad but I managed to keep my cool... But the thing is...I never wanted to be like this...

I don't want to leave our house again... whenever I leave the house... all I see are things I don't have...

The celebrant had many friends who went there... damn... I really wish from the bottom of my heart that I can somehow have friends like that...

I fucking hate myself for being afraid of any social interaction... damn...

I'm just bitter... These people don't really mean any harm to me but I think so because of my own pathetic life...

And we left early... some people stayed for the after party... here I am stupidly ranting...

I really wish... I need... But somehow God won't give me...

FUCK THIS LIFE!!!

FUCK SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!

FUCK INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

FUCK THE REASONS OF MY INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!

I don't want to cut... but thats the only thing I have right now...

Damn... I'm so pathetic... I'm such a loser...

I never wanted to be aloof... I just want to...

The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend or close friends is because I know that these people will not accept me for who I am... They will despise me once they knew who the real me is... They would make fun of me... They will reject me... So I reject them first...

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!

I FUCKING HATE THIS LIFE!!!

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!

ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND FROM MYSELF!!!

DAMN!!!

BULLSHIT!!!

I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!

GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I DON'T HAVE ANY RELEASE!!! FUCK IT!!!

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

Death Around The Corner

3 more days before Christmas break begins...

Ahhh.... the time for Christmas parties, gift giving and all that other bullshit...

Fuck damn it... damn it... Life can't get lonelier than this...

I have been somehow "invited" to three Christmas parties... I don't know if I'll go... I don't drink (sensei says no) and I'm a boring person...

I'll just give my gift to this classmate of mine... I happened to pick his name so... I'm not expecting to receive a gift... long story short... I picked my name first, lost my pick, then I repicked... so I'll give something to someone out of conformity...

I've been all over the internet looking for articles on how to deal with my social anxiety... but I feel down everytime I read one... I can't do any of those...

How to talk to girls this that bullshit, how to be outgoing and all that crap... none of those help me... I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy but there will always be a time when hobbies cannot contain loneliness anymore...

Oh dear... I am in big trouble, I have an exam on Friday and a paper to pass and I haven't done anything yet... Damn it... this depression of mine is really a pain in the ass...

I've emailed the guidance office of my school... so far no replies... I have posted my "plea for help" on yahoo answers for a broader audience but again no replies... Damn it...

Loneliness + being intentionally ignored = really fucked "down" mood...

Sighs...

I feel like death is just around the corner... not Christmas not New Year not any fucking social event...

I don't feel anything at all anymore... I am just consumed by my self-hatred and loneliness...

I don't even know if I love myself anymore... its dwindling every day... I mean how can I  "forgive" myself if I am somehow a child molester? How can I forgive myself for being inadequate and incapable of being a normal guy? How can I forgive myself for wasting all my life moping like an emo bitch? How can I forgive myself for being a loser?

Keeping my cool is hard... My will to live is slowly being drained out... I don't even care about my hobbies anymore... I don't care about my family and (friends?)...

Sighs... so much to do in so little time with so little energy left...

Wow Just Wow

GOD DAMN IT!!!

My only remaining source of "hope" is now gone... Wow just wow!

I would have to live my life feeling like this... I learned that if I confess of my pedophilia and the things I've done I will be reported by my theraphist to the police... Just how can it get any worse than this?

I have always thought that a theraphist would be able to help me but no... Damn it...

How can You do this to me?! Are You happy now?

When I thought things couldn't get any worse... now knowing that I can not go ask for professional help...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

If I would be put to jail for child molestation, it will only add another lifelong scar to my list...

There is no way out of this mess... GOD HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!??

Well more reason for me to commit suicide then... I have no place anymore to ask for help... and HELL NO GOD IS NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!

God never really helps me on hard times... enough of the stupid verses... enough of the "Footprints in the Sand"... I really wanted to get some professional help and now this happens!

What am I supposed to do? I'm shattered right now... my only ray of hope now gone...

Is this part of God's plan for me to turn to him?  I HAVE BEEN TURNING TO HIM ALL THIS TIME BUT LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME?

Sighs... I'm lost right now... really really lost...

I can't live like this forever... and now that help is not an option... there is only one option left... suicide...

I feel like this blog is coming to an end... It has been a wild ride but I feel like I'm nearing my destination...

What should I do now? Clearly I'm left with no choice...

Maybe God Hates Me

I just want to fucking kill somebody... that somebody is me...

My life (which cannot be considered a "life") is slowly starting to crumble... Everything is falling apart...

I prayed to God yesterday to answer my question: "God do you want me to commit suicide?"... I mean I find the reason to do so everyday...

Then I got the answer (or I think it was an answer) early this morning as I was reading something for our Theology class...

I read something about Adam needing Eve... I read something about "love"... I read something about finding the other one... I read about that a person finds "completeness" with the other... I also read that it is completely wrong to shun the world because it is God's gift for us... And I also read that God made us to be "loving" beings... I will explain everything later...

Early this morning I typed on Google "God hates me"... then I saw one on Yahoo Answers... The guy who asked has problems (duh!) and so he thought that God hates him...

This was the "Best Answer" chosen by the asker:

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"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son ... "

Jesus said "It rains on the just and the unjust alike."

But because God doesn't hate you (in fact He LOVES you), He sent Jesus to die for your sins so you wouldn't have to face the Judge after you die.

Before you start talking about what God hasn't done for you, start with what He HAS done, and respond to that, first, and then take it from there, one step at a time. Jesus said, "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, and ALL these (other) things (that you need) will be added to you."

You can't complain about God not intervening in your life if you have pushed Him away, so the first step is (as I already stated), ask God to forgive you (based on the fact that Jesus died for your sins, in your place and then rose again the morning of the third day), repent (turn your back on) your sins and your old way of life, living ultimately for your self, and allow Jesus to be the Lord (boss) of your life.

Until you take that first step, you're still pushing God away, and as long as you continue to push God away, there's nothing at all God can do. He is, after all, a gentleman and won't force Himself on you. (That would be tantamount to "spiritual rape"). He said, "Behold, I stand at the door (of your heart) and knock. If any one will open (his heart) to me, I will come in and live with him, and he with me."

He said in His Word, "The ear of the Lord is not heavy that He can not hear you, nor is his arms shortened that He can not reach you, but your own sins have made a separation between you and God."

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What about that? I have done all of what I needed to do for God to help me but then what?

I have prayed countless of times for forgiveness... I have tried my best to repent from my sins... I have done quite well, if I might say, to not turn back to doing the things I've done... I always pray that "God just please take control of my life"... I have given Him the "wheel" to control and guide my life... I have asked many many times that He help me get out of this mess... But what has He done?

I need His help the most right now... but I never got any help... Instead of helping me get back up, He always tries His best to put me down... In every single way that He can, God gives me enough reason to feel depressed and down...

Now why do I blame God for every bit of misfortune that has happened to me? Well its simple really, I always pray for help and instead of being "uplifted" I always feel down at the end of the day... I get the exact opposite of what I pray for...

I suddenly remembered about Footprints in the Sand as I am typing this:

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Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

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Quite a contradiction to what I have been rambling earlier... So this past month was the time that I only see one set of footprints because Jesus was carrying me? But why does God need to carry me if He could easily just give me the strenght to walk? Why do I need to suffer if God could just help me out in the first place...

As I've said earlier... I fully believe that I have done everything I could to ask for God's help... I let Him take control of my life but nothing has happened so far? I also tried my best to help myself but to no avail...

Maybe God just wants me to commit suicide... He says He "helps" me but I don't see any help... He makes me remember all these "verses" that should help me continue to hold on... but at the end of the day He puts me back down again...

Or maybe its the devil who puts me down? But if thats the case then why does God let the devil destroy me?

God or the devil, whoever tries to put me down... I came to one conclusion.... I clearly do not belong to this world because apparently God does not want me here...

Do I not receive God's protection and blessings because I haven't gone to church for 6 years now? The only reason I stopped going to church is because of my social anxiety... I left church but I kept my faith... Through hard times Jesus is the only one I have... but I could take only so much pain...

In connection to what I've read on theology...  If the world is God's gift to man... If man was made to love a woman... If we are to find "fulness" in the other person... Then why have I not received / experienced any of them... The obvious reason was that God never intended me to experience about those things... He wants me to just I don't know maybe kill myself or live my life with full of suffering...

I think God finds amusement to my misery and probably to other person's as well... It was explicitly stated that suicide is a sin... so its like I have no choice but to duke it out with this life of mine... No easy way out... I have to live with all this pain and anger througout my whole life... and the means for this to be over is by natural or accidental death...

To sum everything up as to why God hates me:

- God never intended me to enjoy this world and all the things that it can give me like love from fellow humans, especially from an "Eve" for example.

- God always puts me down... well if He is not the one who puts me down... He still does not give me enough help or protection from being put down by external forces.

- I have turned everything down that is of this world. I have put God above all else but I still don't get any help. I might get some blessings (and I'm thanful) but I don't get the important things in life.

- If humans are intended to be social creatures, then why was I not given the capacity to be socialble? Should I just had been in a relationship I would have never developed a paraphilia. Should I just had any sort of social skill then I would not have to be like this.

- And last but not the least... I could say that God hates me or at the very least neglects me because after all He has done for me like saving me from appendicitis (one more day and I would have died so said the surgeon), saving me from a truck (the truck literally flew in front of me), saving me from a serious fever when I was a child (I was literally black and blue)... after all that He has done for me... He now does not even give any attention to my prayers...It was like a plan in the making to make me feel that He loves me only for me to find out that all of that was just a front to hurt me now on my lowest point in my life...

Its hard to explain everything as English is not my first language but deep inside my prayer was answered.

"God do you want me to commit suicide?"

I got the answer...

It was a "eureka" moment... Even God does not want me alive...

Overslept

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I studied yesterday... memorized some provisions for our law class.... but FUCKING DAMN IT!!!

I stupidly overslept... I can't go to class anymore because I will be still considered absent... BULLSHIT!!!

A few more absence and I will be forced to drop my law class... damn...

It is the first time I overslept... STUPID alarm clock (well in my case it is a cellphone) !!! I'm doomed... DOOMED!!!

UGHHHH!!! AGGGHHH!!!

I was absent almost the whole week last week barring Monday and now I am absent again and for no serious reason...

I had to not go to school last week because of my depression but this time I only stupidly fucking overslept by 30 fucking minutes!!!

DAMN IT!!!

Well whats done is done.... but how can I not feel angry about this?

The good thing though is law class is my only class for today... others were cancelled because of some mass...

However it is highly possible that we had a quiz today... I am so dead...

This is something "new"... not related to any "psychological" stuff... but I don't like this kind of "new"...

I need to buy a real alarm clock plus I will also still use my cellphone so thats 2 alarms... and if by then I still won't fucking wake up (but I sometimes pray to God that I won't wake up =P).... then I don't know what to do anymore...

A Vent

Dear diary...

Its the start of a new day... new but the same as before... so its not really new...

I have just read a few replies on a forum that really messes up my mood... I don't want to see that thread again... DAMN!!! Its like someone is putting alcohol on a very very big wound that I have...

School time again... I feel though that I am starting to lose my grip on my mental stabilty... I've been having a really hard time trying to act normal when I'm at school... Its hard to wear a mask when deep down something is destroying you...

Well in general it is hard to live outside of my room because every time I step out I must step out as a "normal" guy... No one must see through me... It is really hard... people think they know you but no...

DAMN that stupid thread I made... made a fool out of myself again... not that it matters because I don't have to hide my face or anything... and the receiver of that damn shit won't also see me so good thing I still saved face...

I'm starting to feel like a volcano... I feel though that anytime I can "erupt"... another violent outburst... things that make me look like a belong to an asylum...

I always go out with a fake smile... my serious deposition is a way for me to "ward off" people so that they won't try to be friends with me... it hurts me when someone tries to be friends with me because I know that they will not really be my friends once they know who the real me is...

Another day... sighs... I wish I can feel a short respite... Exams are coming up next week... still haven't studied... And because I was absent almost the whole week last week I have a lot of things to catch back up... Paper works are also piling up... damn college life... Others survive because they have a "support system of college friends"... me on the other hand... has no support sytem shit whatsoever...

I have just learned yesterday that me longing for someone to love me is futile... I mean what was I even thinking? I clearly have no business with that kind of shit... It hurts but I have to accept that I'll be alone... I'll probably grow old alone having this issues...

Fucking stupid life!

And oh to add to my vent... I saw that some keywords for my blog are "emo cuts on arms", "emo cuts on fore arms"... I mean I'm not a fucking emo... well I don't dress like one... then I looked up in the net about pictures of cutting... Clearly some people are just doing it to be labelled "emo" it has become a fad or whatever...

I don't want to be labelled as an emo guy... I'm only doing this to keep control whenever I feel severely depressed.... damn this kids putting make ups and eyeliners... listening to sad music... damn them they have no idea how it is to be "internally diturbed"... they make it look like cutters are superficial...

Does it look cool? No it doesn't... cuts only serve as a reminder of bad experiences... well why do these emo kids who you see flaunting their make up and smiling like bitches cut? Well to them it looks cool, be called "emo". Fuck that shit!!!

Stupid people... I'd do anything to not be an "emo"... but they try to be... stupid kids... Cutting is not cool... I will do anything to be a normal guy... Stupid bitches...

There are those who don't appreciate the "emo culture"... it is as if they make fun of cutters...

Having depression and other issues is not cool... they try to be all negative in life just to look like their favorite rock bands or whatever...

Bounce...

Up and Down

What a day!

And no, I did not type that on a happy tone... Up and then down... I felt happy and a little bit excited like a child when I have bought 4 tactical folders earlier today... I kept on saying "awesome and cool" because the knives really were awesome and cool... Its so damn sharp, I almost cut myself unintentionally when I took the blade out... I'm planning on making this a collection... still have a lot more to buy though... I mean who needs a fucking "Gillette Razor Blade" ? when you have real (in my case China-made replicas) tactical knives...

They look so cool!!! That was the "up" part of my day... then came the "down"...

As I was about to go home (after buying the tactical folders) a security guard badly mistreated me... He looked at me like I was some sort of scum, he was angry at me for no reason because most probably I looked like I cheated my train ticket...

Damn that guy... I talked to him nicely... after I bought a new ticket I talked to him again but he still looked as though he was going to fucking kill me... I of course was seething from inside... A lowly son of a bitch security guard was looking down on me... Who does he think he is? Whats inside my pocket at that very moment was most likely worth more than what he could get in a month! And I will never forget his fuckingly ugly face... This Friday I'll return to the station to settle the score... No I will not use what I learned from martial arts classes on him because he has a gun and a stick... I was only trained in fist to fist combat, MMA to be more exact...

Why did I let him step on my pride... I was doing nothing wrong but he treated me like I was cheating my way out of a P12 ticket... that bitch... well first of all I thought that I should not even verbally fight him because I remembered that Jesus who is a God was humiliated exponentially by what I experienced... so I was in a dillemma... should I stand up for myself or let him trample on my pride?

I let him step on me... I swallowed my pride... Well look at what Christianity taught me... I know I did the right thing to just "understand" him because he is just a fucking security guard but still...

Anyway a few tears fell out of my eye because whatever self-esteem I have for myself was gone because of that incident... I couldn't even stand up to myself...

But deep inside I knew I did the right thing... I knew I somehow made God happy because I bore in mind His teachings espcially about being humble...

It just ticked me off because I was having a very bad month... Anyways maybe I'll not report him as he may lose his job... I'll let it slide... It feels the right thing to do...

I however thought that I got nothing out of my "being humble" because not only did I reinforce the guard's bad behavior I also destroyed what is left of my self-esteem... but I thought that even if no one saw what I did, God is always watching and maybe He will reward me or something... not that I did it so that I'd have a reward...

But what reward I thought... I wish I'd get a blessing that is not about the material or physical... I always was praying to uhhmmm (never mind its just another romantic emo wish of mine like finding someone who understands, someone who can accept me and all that bullshit)...

Sighs... anyhow I don't feel angry anymore... just feeling like a loser thats all... Sometimes I ask God why He does He always makes me feel like a loser? Or is it the devil who makes me feel this way? I don't know because it could be a two-way argument... I will not spew out my boringly complex argument here... but I do know one thing and that is I have never felt like a winner before...

Just a while ago as I was getting hot water from my dorm's first floor... I saw three beautiful ladies who are also dormers and school mates of mine... They looked at me like I'm some kind of trash that does not belong in the same floor as them... I'm not certain though but that was my observation...

I'm not ugly per se... or am I? But the thing is I always feel like a "lesser" individual to everyone... Social-anxiety, inferiority complex and pedophilia.... AGGHHH!!!  These things are killing me!!!

Well I saw another post on the "remorse" section... this guy apparently is also a pedo and he felt bad about himself... like me he is ashamed and hateful of himself... then I remembered again the things that I've done... This guy had no "molestation contact" with the uhhhmm "victim"... he said he deserved death... if thats the case I also deserve death and in a worse way because I did more horrible things... I don't want to explain it in detail because it will haunt for the rest of the week... And then there are those pedos who really went all the way... they also deserve death but in the worst way...

But if there is remorse then people no matter what they've done deserves help... I got this from someone who replied to my thread... Sounds good to me... but its gonna take a while for a person to completely forgive himself and to also be forgiven by others...

Ugghhh I'm supposed to study for Japanese class... but this whole depression thing has really been affecting my studies a lot!

Well it seems that I will sleep with the "down" side of my day... too bad I really wish that sometimes I could go to sleep feeling better than being depressedor at the very least feeling better than sad...

Regret

Fuck...

I'm just being an emo guy a while ago... The thing is I knew it was a bad idea but I pushed through... Ever since I decided to do something about my problems everything just falls apart...I want to die...

The problem was so simple yet it had a big effect one me... Its not just about me looking like a fool by sending that message... No, it was something else...

Because I have been depressed since the 2nd of November (which also happens to be my birthday)... Every little failure is a big thing for me... Even small mistakes do not help when you are already at the lowest point in your life so far...

Sighs... I wish I could turn back time...turn it back to kill myself when I was a baby... I know I'm all words and no action about suicide but I really want it...

I'm a coward, I'm afraid to kill myself... I'm afraid to solve my problems... Yeah just laugh... Laugh at me for being a sissy... Laugh at me for always saying suicide this suicide that but I can't act on it...

I blame my parents for raising me as a Christian... I, to some extent, also blame God for reminding me of some stupid verse...If I were not a Christian I would have definitely ended my stupid life a few years ago...

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I have some sort of plaque on my room that has that damn verse written on it... My father bought it... I'm thinking that God made me a Christian and made me encounter this verse so that at times like this I can hold on... Maybe it was His plan to give me some sort of "Biblical support"...

However, I do not appreciate it... I don't want to just always "hold on"... NO I want to solve my problems... I've been praying for the last 5 years!!! All I got is some sort of verse to cling unto and not the means to solve my problems...

Its hard to explain but I feel like God is neglecting me... instead of helping me out He just gives me some sort of lifeline which is only useable whenever I'm in deep shit... Why does He always bring me down to my knees then help me get back up with some stupid verse and then just put me back down on my knees again??!!

FUCK IT!!! And I have a Theology exam tomorrow!!! How am I supposed to understand God's love if He only helps those who are good??? I mean I did some bad bad things and this is what I get... I understand that but still...

I can't hold on any longer... If I continue like this for a few more days, my brain would explode...

I just want to live a normal life... is it too great of a request to ask dear Lord? Am I not supposed to have a normal, happy life because I am a pedophile???

PUTANG INA!!!

No more... no more...

My Inner Bully: You are a piece of trash you know that? You are a pathetic loser!!! You don't deserve to live... You don't deserve to be happy!!!

My Conscience: You did a bad thing... No wonder bad things happen to you right now...

My Christian Side: No you must hold on... because the Lord said this because the Lord said that...

My Inner Bully: Fuck you!!! Just die fool!!! Nobody wants you in this world!!!

Me: I can't die yet because My Christian Side told me not to...

My Conscience: How can you repent for your sins??? If you just commit suicide then you can pay for it in hell... God also does not really want you in Heaven...

My Inner Bully: Your life is all the proof that you need to see that you need to kill yourself right now!!!

My Conscience: Yeah he is right... just jump off the rail road or something...

And then My Christian Side interferes again... and the cycle goes on...

Everyday its like this... Everyday I have to fight against these things on my mind... Every FUCKING DAY!!!

I should have never even opened a Facebook account... I knew that it will only give me more problems...

SIGHS... I feel so angry, I feel so down, I feel so much pain, I feel so tired, I just want to rest...

My respites don't last too long... School week haven't even started and I'm already out of energy and willpower...

I just want to live a normal life just like most people... I just want to enjoy my teenage years... I just want to feel wanted... I just want to forget everything about me... Well most of the things I want I can never get... to sum it all up I just want to die...