Death Around The Corner

3 more days before Christmas break begins...

Ahhh.... the time for Christmas parties, gift giving and all that other bullshit...

Fuck damn it... damn it... Life can't get lonelier than this...

I have been somehow "invited" to three Christmas parties... I don't know if I'll go... I don't drink (sensei says no) and I'm a boring person...

I'll just give my gift to this classmate of mine... I happened to pick his name so... I'm not expecting to receive a gift... long story short... I picked my name first, lost my pick, then I repicked... so I'll give something to someone out of conformity...

I've been all over the internet looking for articles on how to deal with my social anxiety... but I feel down everytime I read one... I can't do any of those...

How to talk to girls this that bullshit, how to be outgoing and all that crap... none of those help me... I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy but there will always be a time when hobbies cannot contain loneliness anymore...

Oh dear... I am in big trouble, I have an exam on Friday and a paper to pass and I haven't done anything yet... Damn it... this depression of mine is really a pain in the ass...

I've emailed the guidance office of my school... so far no replies... I have posted my "plea for help" on yahoo answers for a broader audience but again no replies... Damn it...

Loneliness + being intentionally ignored = really fucked "down" mood...

Sighs...

I feel like death is just around the corner... not Christmas not New Year not any fucking social event...

I don't feel anything at all anymore... I am just consumed by my self-hatred and loneliness...

I don't even know if I love myself anymore... its dwindling every day... I mean how can I  "forgive" myself if I am somehow a child molester? How can I forgive myself for being inadequate and incapable of being a normal guy? How can I forgive myself for wasting all my life moping like an emo bitch? How can I forgive myself for being a loser?

Keeping my cool is hard... My will to live is slowly being drained out... I don't even care about my hobbies anymore... I don't care about my family and (friends?)...

Sighs... so much to do in so little time with so little energy left...

Wow Just Wow

GOD DAMN IT!!!

My only remaining source of "hope" is now gone... Wow just wow!

I would have to live my life feeling like this... I learned that if I confess of my pedophilia and the things I've done I will be reported by my theraphist to the police... Just how can it get any worse than this?

I have always thought that a theraphist would be able to help me but no... Damn it...

How can You do this to me?! Are You happy now?

When I thought things couldn't get any worse... now knowing that I can not go ask for professional help...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

If I would be put to jail for child molestation, it will only add another lifelong scar to my list...

There is no way out of this mess... GOD HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!??

Well more reason for me to commit suicide then... I have no place anymore to ask for help... and HELL NO GOD IS NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!

God never really helps me on hard times... enough of the stupid verses... enough of the "Footprints in the Sand"... I really wanted to get some professional help and now this happens!

What am I supposed to do? I'm shattered right now... my only ray of hope now gone...

Is this part of God's plan for me to turn to him?  I HAVE BEEN TURNING TO HIM ALL THIS TIME BUT LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME?

Sighs... I'm lost right now... really really lost...

I can't live like this forever... and now that help is not an option... there is only one option left... suicide...

I feel like this blog is coming to an end... It has been a wild ride but I feel like I'm nearing my destination...

What should I do now? Clearly I'm left with no choice...

Up and Down

What a day!

And no, I did not type that on a happy tone... Up and then down... I felt happy and a little bit excited like a child when I have bought 4 tactical folders earlier today... I kept on saying "awesome and cool" because the knives really were awesome and cool... Its so damn sharp, I almost cut myself unintentionally when I took the blade out... I'm planning on making this a collection... still have a lot more to buy though... I mean who needs a fucking "Gillette Razor Blade" ? when you have real (in my case China-made replicas) tactical knives...

They look so cool!!! That was the "up" part of my day... then came the "down"...

As I was about to go home (after buying the tactical folders) a security guard badly mistreated me... He looked at me like I was some sort of scum, he was angry at me for no reason because most probably I looked like I cheated my train ticket...

Damn that guy... I talked to him nicely... after I bought a new ticket I talked to him again but he still looked as though he was going to fucking kill me... I of course was seething from inside... A lowly son of a bitch security guard was looking down on me... Who does he think he is? Whats inside my pocket at that very moment was most likely worth more than what he could get in a month! And I will never forget his fuckingly ugly face... This Friday I'll return to the station to settle the score... No I will not use what I learned from martial arts classes on him because he has a gun and a stick... I was only trained in fist to fist combat, MMA to be more exact...

Why did I let him step on my pride... I was doing nothing wrong but he treated me like I was cheating my way out of a P12 ticket... that bitch... well first of all I thought that I should not even verbally fight him because I remembered that Jesus who is a God was humiliated exponentially by what I experienced... so I was in a dillemma... should I stand up for myself or let him trample on my pride?

I let him step on me... I swallowed my pride... Well look at what Christianity taught me... I know I did the right thing to just "understand" him because he is just a fucking security guard but still...

Anyway a few tears fell out of my eye because whatever self-esteem I have for myself was gone because of that incident... I couldn't even stand up to myself...

But deep inside I knew I did the right thing... I knew I somehow made God happy because I bore in mind His teachings espcially about being humble...

It just ticked me off because I was having a very bad month... Anyways maybe I'll not report him as he may lose his job... I'll let it slide... It feels the right thing to do...

I however thought that I got nothing out of my "being humble" because not only did I reinforce the guard's bad behavior I also destroyed what is left of my self-esteem... but I thought that even if no one saw what I did, God is always watching and maybe He will reward me or something... not that I did it so that I'd have a reward...

But what reward I thought... I wish I'd get a blessing that is not about the material or physical... I always was praying to uhhmmm (never mind its just another romantic emo wish of mine like finding someone who understands, someone who can accept me and all that bullshit)...

Sighs... anyhow I don't feel angry anymore... just feeling like a loser thats all... Sometimes I ask God why He does He always makes me feel like a loser? Or is it the devil who makes me feel this way? I don't know because it could be a two-way argument... I will not spew out my boringly complex argument here... but I do know one thing and that is I have never felt like a winner before...

Just a while ago as I was getting hot water from my dorm's first floor... I saw three beautiful ladies who are also dormers and school mates of mine... They looked at me like I'm some kind of trash that does not belong in the same floor as them... I'm not certain though but that was my observation...

I'm not ugly per se... or am I? But the thing is I always feel like a "lesser" individual to everyone... Social-anxiety, inferiority complex and pedophilia.... AGGHHH!!!  These things are killing me!!!

Well I saw another post on the "remorse" section... this guy apparently is also a pedo and he felt bad about himself... like me he is ashamed and hateful of himself... then I remembered again the things that I've done... This guy had no "molestation contact" with the uhhhmm "victim"... he said he deserved death... if thats the case I also deserve death and in a worse way because I did more horrible things... I don't want to explain it in detail because it will haunt for the rest of the week... And then there are those pedos who really went all the way... they also deserve death but in the worst way...

But if there is remorse then people no matter what they've done deserves help... I got this from someone who replied to my thread... Sounds good to me... but its gonna take a while for a person to completely forgive himself and to also be forgiven by others...

Ugghhh I'm supposed to study for Japanese class... but this whole depression thing has really been affecting my studies a lot!

Well it seems that I will sleep with the "down" side of my day... too bad I really wish that sometimes I could go to sleep feeling better than being depressedor at the very least feeling better than sad...

Sighs

Sighs...

Sighs... all I can say about my day is... sighs... How uncreative of me... well "sighs" is the word (or action for that matter) that best describes my day today... All the missed quizzes... all the missed lectures... sighs...

My grades would definitely be affected... I just had to be totally depressed last week! What timing!

I was supposed to go to our school councellor to get some sort of help but it is easier said than done... I don't know how to approach their office... What should I say? Should I go all out and tell them that I'm having multiple problems all rooted to me being a pedophile and growing up being introverted?

Sighs...

I again always freeze up... I won't bring it up anymore but I also feel sad and alone when I'm at school or any other place where there are many people...

I just can't open my fucking mouth to say something... sighs...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck pedophilia and whatever other problems it has caused me!!!

I have to survive two more weeks of school... two more weeks of stress... two more weeks of loneliness at my dorm... two more weeks of constantly feeling down... When Christmas vacation starts, well I don't know if the holidays can supress my thoughts but its better than being at school being lonely...

Sighs...

Damn it... I need some help... but the only place I get one is on the internet... I'm thankful for that but it would be better if a person would help me face to face... If only someone can accept me in real life... I can't even accept myself and that has to be solved first...

Sighs...

Regret

Fuck...

I'm just being an emo guy a while ago... The thing is I knew it was a bad idea but I pushed through... Ever since I decided to do something about my problems everything just falls apart...I want to die...

The problem was so simple yet it had a big effect one me... Its not just about me looking like a fool by sending that message... No, it was something else...

Because I have been depressed since the 2nd of November (which also happens to be my birthday)... Every little failure is a big thing for me... Even small mistakes do not help when you are already at the lowest point in your life so far...

Sighs... I wish I could turn back time...turn it back to kill myself when I was a baby... I know I'm all words and no action about suicide but I really want it...

I'm a coward, I'm afraid to kill myself... I'm afraid to solve my problems... Yeah just laugh... Laugh at me for being a sissy... Laugh at me for always saying suicide this suicide that but I can't act on it...

I blame my parents for raising me as a Christian... I, to some extent, also blame God for reminding me of some stupid verse...If I were not a Christian I would have definitely ended my stupid life a few years ago...

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I have some sort of plaque on my room that has that damn verse written on it... My father bought it... I'm thinking that God made me a Christian and made me encounter this verse so that at times like this I can hold on... Maybe it was His plan to give me some sort of "Biblical support"...

However, I do not appreciate it... I don't want to just always "hold on"... NO I want to solve my problems... I've been praying for the last 5 years!!! All I got is some sort of verse to cling unto and not the means to solve my problems...

Its hard to explain but I feel like God is neglecting me... instead of helping me out He just gives me some sort of lifeline which is only useable whenever I'm in deep shit... Why does He always bring me down to my knees then help me get back up with some stupid verse and then just put me back down on my knees again??!!

FUCK IT!!! And I have a Theology exam tomorrow!!! How am I supposed to understand God's love if He only helps those who are good??? I mean I did some bad bad things and this is what I get... I understand that but still...

I can't hold on any longer... If I continue like this for a few more days, my brain would explode...

I just want to live a normal life... is it too great of a request to ask dear Lord? Am I not supposed to have a normal, happy life because I am a pedophile???

PUTANG INA!!!

No more... no more...

My Inner Bully: You are a piece of trash you know that? You are a pathetic loser!!! You don't deserve to live... You don't deserve to be happy!!!

My Conscience: You did a bad thing... No wonder bad things happen to you right now...

My Christian Side: No you must hold on... because the Lord said this because the Lord said that...

My Inner Bully: Fuck you!!! Just die fool!!! Nobody wants you in this world!!!

Me: I can't die yet because My Christian Side told me not to...

My Conscience: How can you repent for your sins??? If you just commit suicide then you can pay for it in hell... God also does not really want you in Heaven...

My Inner Bully: Your life is all the proof that you need to see that you need to kill yourself right now!!!

My Conscience: Yeah he is right... just jump off the rail road or something...

And then My Christian Side interferes again... and the cycle goes on...

Everyday its like this... Everyday I have to fight against these things on my mind... Every FUCKING DAY!!!

I should have never even opened a Facebook account... I knew that it will only give me more problems...

SIGHS... I feel so angry, I feel so down, I feel so much pain, I feel so tired, I just want to rest...

My respites don't last too long... School week haven't even started and I'm already out of energy and willpower...

I just want to live a normal life just like most people... I just want to enjoy my teenage years... I just want to feel wanted... I just want to forget everything about me... Well most of the things I want I can never get... to sum it all up I just want to die...

Coincidental Crossroads

Meh...

I have joined a new forum yesterday... Their section about "Remorse", "Child Abuse", and "Paraphilia" will probably be the most helpful sections for me... I was glad to find the place... People there are more "open" especially to sensitive topics like pedophilia... No we do not plan on something nor do we share some smut... The people there ask for help because they don't want to be a pedo... I mean who wants to be right? Even after admitting it I still don't feel any better... It only causes me to delve more on my thoughts...

Now off to the main topic of my post...

I find it very funny and hurtful at the same time that I saw on facebook my former schoolmate who has indirectly caused me a lot of emotional pain... The first time I saw her profile was on friendster... 4 years ago... I was so nervous on sending her a friend request because I was very shy... On the same mall where I was surfing 4 years ago I saw her profile on facebook... She has not changed... Unknowingly she is still killing someone inside...

I saw her on my freshman year in high school... Attraction at first site... I felt like she was the one who can fill the gaps in my gaping heart... however there was a catch... She was out of my league... I was on the lowest section back then and I was kinda like a slob... To solve my problems... I studied hard to be smarter, I started playing basketball to get fit and i did everything I could to be "likeable"... I have reached my goals on my sophomore year...

I was put on the "star section"... I got fit... and I looked better than last year... But all of my efforts were still futile because even with all of my "improvements" I still feel unworthy to even be her friend... She eventually had a boyfriend who I think is not deserving of her...

I was hurt... of course she does not know that I like her, I think... but the point is I was hurt... My efforts were wasted and I saw someone I consider special just pass me by... (I still feel angry and sad whenever I think of this)... I know its only puppy love but still...

I have lost any interest in school... Suspensions here and there, had a few fights, grades flunking, what else?
From being motivated I went downhill to the point that I had to leave for another school... My grades were passable but I chose to change schools the next year becaus I can't bear the pain of seeing her with someone... So selfish of me but I can't deny that I was really hurt...

Onto my 3rd year of high school in a new school... I have developed a sense of inferiority because of that... I isolated myself... I did not welcome any other form of attraction... because I'm afraid that I will be unworthy again and I'll be hurt...

Things went from worse to worst for me... This was around the time that my depression got worse and I can't control my anger... I went to a psychiatrist because I have a very high chance of being dropped out of school and I was also being more violent... I had the 2nd most number of days absent at 30 something... Before that, on my 2nd year (the time I lost interest in school because of being "heart broken") I had the most number of lates and cuts on that school...

The point is this girl, because she is just so damn perfect, unknowingly destroyed my already broken life... She added to the pain I was suffering... I have lost all of my self confidence during those two years... I felt unworthy, I felt like trash...

I still don't feel confident around women and I don't think I have a chance on the girl who I mentioned a few posts earlier...

Why is this entitled "Coincidental Crossroads" ? I named it like that because of the coincidences like the mall for example... I was also confronting other issues that I have like pedo (same time at sophomore year when I almost tried to...) stuff and now she "shows up"... God must want me to fix all of my problems and finish all of my unfinished business...

I have made up my mind... I will send her a message saying that I used to like her very much and that she has caused me a lot of troubles... No I will not try to be friends with her or anything, I just want to get some things off my chest... She will think that I am a stalker, well she probably already thought of it before because of the friendster feature of "who viewed" your profile... but I don't give a FUCK!!! I want to be "free"... I am doing this for myself... to confront my skeletons on my damn closet...

I will come off as a jerk, I will look like a pathetic stalker, I will look like a freak.... I just don't give a DAMN anymore!!! I am now motivated to solve all of my problems... from my social life to my dark experiences...

I am READY!!! I will of course feel depressed but at least I could say to myself that I left no stone unturned (if its appropriate)... This will make me sad but this will probably help me be a "normal" guy...

I need to clean out my closet...

Last Post in SF

Dear fucking diary...

I am actually crying a while ago... I was just thrown off the only place where I can ask for help... Because I admitted that I was once in possession of child porn... I DON'T have any of those shit now... I realized my mistakes and my guilt and conscience kills me... Add that to the fact that I attempted to... my... own......

I was supposed to post a reply to one of the threads in that forum and this is what is says: (Good thing I copy and pasted it, so in essence this is my last post.)

Its not like I wanted it... I actually have stopped for already 2 semesters... I can say that I am "uninterested" because I don't want to hate myself even more and to think about what they are going through pains me... i am disgusted about it and disgusted of myself... And I realize its wrong because it feels wrong... The thing is I still feel guilty about it and especially because I... I have been trying so hard and it seems I can handle myself but the guilt kills me...

I never wanted to be a reminder of bad experiences... I never intended to ask for help about this... I know I deserve far worse than my feelings of depression and suicide... I mean if I were a judge I'd put a death sentence on someone like me...

I understand where people come from... Who can blame them? I wouldn't...

If I triggered something... I'm sorry... It just had to be dug from my deep memories... I only came here to ask about the usual problems like loneliness,depression, etc... but...

I hate myself more than anyone can hate me... To those who think I'm happy with this you are wrong...

@Angerfist: I know its not an excuse... Thats why I feel so much self hate because I...  I don't even know how I got to that point...Feel free to send me "hate" pms if that can relieve you or something...

@gloomy: I'm fine with my life being destroyed by this... I mean I almost destroyed somebody else's... Depriving myself of happiness (friends, self-confidence, social-interaction, etc..) is probably the only way I can somehow "pay" for my...

To those who read this and feel that I should just commit suicide to end my horrible life... I'm sorry I can't because I'll just end my suffering quickly... its like I'm cheating my way out...

And that was supposedly a reply to a thread... Before I even clicked the "send" button I have been banned... Again I'm really sorry for being a reminder of an abusive past... I don't want to hurt anyone... The guilt kills me... I hate myself...

I can't really blame all the hate replies that I got... It is really my fault anyway and I deserve worse than this...

Another Day of Depression

Sighs...

I haven't been to able to go to the doctor last saturday (yesterday) because I attended a required " school talk". The doctor was already out by the time the forum was finished... I managed to tell my problems to a friend and to my parents... I never told them about my "abused becomes abuser" problem... I told them however of my self harm and some reasons for my depression, the latter I did not tell my parents... Anyway it does not feel good... Am I supposed to feel relieved if I tell someone about my problems? I never felt anything close to being relieved, in fact I only felt worse because I put my guard down...

I told my parents a while ago... my dad kinda shrugged it off at first before I talked to them seriously but they responded with the bullshit "you don't have any reason to feel like that because of you are not some beggar or something"... I just told them that it doesn't matter... They however would give me money for the doctor. Money is the only reason why I talked to them. I don't have enough to provide for it. My allowance is not enought to cover that... My sisters overheard and I feel like a total loser... I don't trust my family IDK why...

My parents looked sad especially my mother. I know that they care but they do not understand... I should have never told them because it will make them worry... It also pains me that they said that I was already fine... They thought that my first theraphy was successful because I started going back to shchool... How naive? They never noticed that there is something beneath the mask that I show them. I bowed to never tell them anything about me ever... I'll just show my happy face to them so they won't worry...

They asked me if I have friends... I said yes which is somewhat true but I was never close to anyone... just like my parents my so called "friends" buy into my "normal guy" act...They asked me if I was dumped by a girl... I said no which is also somewhat true because I never even tried to court one because I know I'll get dumped, that girl went to someone unworthy - stupid bitch. That stupid girl was from my high school days... They asked if I should have a girlfriend... I said no which is a probably a lie... but I know I have no chance to be liked by someone...

There was also someone who sent me a pm in a forum... I told her some things about like my "abuser" nature... She never replied... I also saw a thread in there about a guy who suffers the same problem as me... why he has "pedo" tendencies... his description of how he came to be is almost exactly as mine.... It started out as a social anxiety to inferior feelings to finally shifting attraction to people who are not of the same age... The point is this guy was not really welcomed even by the community... The girl who sent a pm was probably disgusted of me... so even in the internet we find no place... But who can blame them?

I know I wouldn't... I hate myself... Just cut a few minutes ago... I deserve to feel pain.... I deserve to not be helped.... I deserve to be lonely.... I don't deserve any compassion... I don't deserve to live...