Road to Recovery

Dear blog...

Its a new year... I felt really lonely on that day... we celebrated it in a mall... Free fireworks are always good... I mean who would want to burn their own money?

We were with our relatives but I felt so lonely... There were many people who looked happy being with their loved ones but I felt different...

Its a new year... I am slowly changing my ways... I know it will be hard but I'm trying my best...

I changed the title of this blog to "Road to Recovery"... I am not contemplating suicide anymore because I have found hope that things will do get better...

A lot of things has happened... most of them for the better... Although I still feel empty inside... I feel more at peace with myself...

I'm still not 100% okay... No one is fully "okay"... everyone has a share of their own problems...

There were many events that tempted me to go back into my cycle of depression but thank God that I have somehow avoided it... I know that there will be endless events that will make me crumble but I know better now...

I feel so tempted to cut again because of some personal reasons... Its a new year and I have lost my "inspiration"...

But the point is no matter how hard things might get for me... No matter how my mind tries to break me... No matter how frequent the devil tries to "trip" me... I will not fall down easily... I will do my best to stay as positive as I can... as strong as I can...

Of course I am doing my best to be a "better" person and I'm not just relying on a promise that things will get better...

I have left my path to suicide... I never gave importance to myself back then... I never saw hope... For the first time in 5 years I feel like tomorrow is a "new day"...

I am on my road to recovery... A road that will be full of obstacles... Change is not easy... There will be a lot of hurdles but the price at the end of the road looks so rewarding that I am willing to "not take the easy way out"...

I cannot promise myself that I will not be depressed... I cannot promise that I will never feel inferior... I cannot promise that I will not feel alone and suicidal... These things will come at some point but I am "equipped" with the right tools to deal with these problems...

Happy New Year they say... I was not happy... But that does not mean I am feeling hopeless... I was sad because I felt lonely... Its only natural... Maybe I'll find happiness at the end of the "road"... or maybe on the way there...

I feel like "Hopeful New Year" is more suited for me...

It Is An Art...

Damn... An animated movie just fucked up my day!!!

I watched the movie "5 Centimeters Per Second"... It was very beautiful yet it depicts a very ugly truth... I will not go into details about the movie, its plot, etc... All I can say is that it is a must-watch film... The pace is slow though but there is something special about that slow pace and every little detail / thought that is put into it...

Damn... Just watch the film and you will know how I feel... and given my circumstances... This film is so heart wrenching... more than "Grave of the Fireflies"... stupid train!!!

I was looking for the ending to embed here but damn... I couldn't bring myself to even listen to it... Anyways here is the ending and I...

Good Lord!!! This movie really ripped my heart out... It did not only touch my heart... This movie crushed it!!!

I still feel down everytime I try to remember this... Damn!!! I don't want to be a spoiler but the last song, the final scene... they really...

Anyways... The guy smiled at the end... He realized that she has moved on and he is happy about it... He is happy for her and for himeslf because they can now go on with their lives... SHIT!!! but still...

Moving on... it is an art that is hard to master... the thing is I haven't really moved on... Its not about love... Moving on is realted to everything that has passed... Love is usually a related topic about moving on but many things can be related to it...

I for one have wasted 5 years of my life because I failed to move on and forgive myself for doing a horrible thing to my sister...

I have wasted 4 years of my life because I have failed to move on from a simple crush that I had... A simple crush that went deep to my heart because she is so... but she was too perfect for me thats why I never had the courage... And oh I sent her a message on facebook about it... caused me a a few weeks of depression... Its on this blog... I messed up about it... but there is no point in crying over spilled milk...

But that was not a simple crush that easily went away... It caused me a lot of grief and deprived me of happiness for the rest of my high school year...

I feel so pathetic because I failed to let go of something I never even had in the first place... I failed to move on from something that is imaginary... We were never even friends... but the "what ifs and what could haves" really is gnawing at me every single night...

And all of this made me to who I am today... a negative, hopeless, self-hating (I hated myself so much becuase I did something wrong and because I did not do what is right) person... but I am not that person... Look at my previous post and you will see that I am starting to change my ways but still... 5 years is relatively short but those 5 years are my high school years... supposedly the best years a student can have... and the effects have carried on even to my 2nd year of college...

Long story short... "5 cm per second" made me realize that I need to move on... I need to let go of my past... The things I've done and the things I failed to do... The guy in the film was happy about it... Before he realized it his life was starting to crumble... I basically need to move forward...

And the thing about this other girl who also happens to be taken is also another issue for me... Come to think of it I have only really felt this kind of attraction to about 2 to 4 girls... As a boy I have a lot of crushes but they do not last long except for these two... The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend is because of my "easy-fading interest" and when I do find someone who I am really attracted to... I just can't bring myself to do anything because of everything that I have posted on this blog (inferiority, anxiety, my personality, my past, etc...)

So the only time that I really feel my "heart beat"... on both of these occassions... they are both FUCKING TAKEN!!! And I can't even do anything about it... I don't want to enumerate why but this is where inferiority kicks in...

Sighs... I really need to master the art of moving on... The second time I felt something fill up my gaping heart... I did something about it... I started to change myself (I also changed myself the first time; studying hard to be in the star section and all that...) but this second time... I really dug deep and I tried to be as positive as I can... I denounced all of my inferiorities but still... She outright ignored me... it hurts... damn... I shouldn't have...

What is wrong with me? Realistically speaking I am not ugly (on the outside that is...), I have a fairly good life, I may be not the smartest but I can say that I am somewhat intelligent, I am no couch potato nor am I physically weak... But why the hell...

Well my life has to go on... I need to forget about them... They are happy with their own lives... I must start moving forward...

She has only ignored me but she has not really "rejected" me or anything... I could be wrong but I need to stop being passive and negative about it... I will not give up...

Sighs... I need to do someting about it... I'm trying to actively pursue her when classes resume... I'm doing my best to "cure" myself of everything that is bothering me... I need to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to have a chance to even be friends with her... (we are friends on facebook and we do sometimes talk but still...) If for my own happiness I need to step on somebody I will do it... She might have a boyfriend but I'll do my very best to be a better man for her...

I'm doing my best now to change... to be a better person... for her...  I don't know what will happen but this time I will take a risk... I'm excited to go back to school... Now if she rejects me... well that topic is reserved for another day if it indeed happens...

I may sound shallow as of late because of all this lovey-dovey stuff... but I need this... I feel like I need someone... I have been an island for as long as I can remember... I guess its also about time that I look for someone to share my life with... Thats why I'm fixing my life so... you know...

Hope for the best... I'm not yet expecting the worst because it will trigger my negative emotions but I feel like I'll be prepared for it though...

Eruption...

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

I went to a childhood "friends" 18th birthday... damn... I wish I never came... I have to admit she was beautiful though...

The point is people were asking a dreaded question... People were asking if I have a girlfriend... FUCK YOU ALL!!!

These stupid ass bitches were rubbing me off the wrong way... they know that I don't have one so why do they ask? They ask because they want to make me feel bad about myself...

These people rub off my social anxiety with me... They are making fun of me still being single...

Fuck life...

Then my parents talked about it in the car... Then I somehow got mad but I managed to keep my cool... But the thing is...I never wanted to be like this...

I don't want to leave our house again... whenever I leave the house... all I see are things I don't have...

The celebrant had many friends who went there... damn... I really wish from the bottom of my heart that I can somehow have friends like that...

I fucking hate myself for being afraid of any social interaction... damn...

I'm just bitter... These people don't really mean any harm to me but I think so because of my own pathetic life...

And we left early... some people stayed for the after party... here I am stupidly ranting...

I really wish... I need... But somehow God won't give me...

FUCK THIS LIFE!!!

FUCK SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!

FUCK INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

FUCK THE REASONS OF MY INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!

I don't want to cut... but thats the only thing I have right now...

Damn... I'm so pathetic... I'm such a loser...

I never wanted to be aloof... I just want to...

The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend or close friends is because I know that these people will not accept me for who I am... They will despise me once they knew who the real me is... They would make fun of me... They will reject me... So I reject them first...

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!

I FUCKING HATE THIS LIFE!!!

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!

ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND FROM MYSELF!!!

DAMN!!!

BULLSHIT!!!

I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!

GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I DON'T HAVE ANY RELEASE!!! FUCK IT!!!

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

Ahhh.... Fuck!!!!

Damn stupid day! Well the day is not stupid its me who is stupid...

Crammed for an exam...

Did not go to a Christmas party because of my fear of social activities...

Worst part of all... I chickened out to give a gift to a female classmate...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck my stupid ass personality!!!

I never wanted to be a fucking loner... Its so damn hard to live like this...

Man.... another sad Christmas season for me... damn it!!!

I should have gave her the gift... it was nothing special just a small size "Kisses" pouch... I sucked big time...

At least I got to talk to her but I wanted to spend more time with her...

Bullshit!!! Still have classes tomorrow but I'm gonna ditch it...

I'm not really excited with my Christmas vacation... I'm back to my house... isolated... alone...

Fuck it...

The time of year that people socialize a lot and I'm at my house alone at my room moping...

I wish we could at least be friends... for some reason she brightens up my gloomy day with just one smile...

Fuck... I'm supposed to be at a party but here I am typing about my loneliness...

Its been 3 years since I last had a Christmas party with classmates...

Nobody even asked me to come... but I was invited because the invitation was supposed to be for the whole block... everyone was excited about it, talking about it before it even started... well its only natural that no one would dare try to befriend me because I look scary and I act cold...

Damn... feeling so bitter... at this time of the year where most are happy there are those who dwell on depression... regret... hate... jealousy... bitterness...

Death Around The Corner

3 more days before Christmas break begins...

Ahhh.... the time for Christmas parties, gift giving and all that other bullshit...

Fuck damn it... damn it... Life can't get lonelier than this...

I have been somehow "invited" to three Christmas parties... I don't know if I'll go... I don't drink (sensei says no) and I'm a boring person...

I'll just give my gift to this classmate of mine... I happened to pick his name so... I'm not expecting to receive a gift... long story short... I picked my name first, lost my pick, then I repicked... so I'll give something to someone out of conformity...

I've been all over the internet looking for articles on how to deal with my social anxiety... but I feel down everytime I read one... I can't do any of those...

How to talk to girls this that bullshit, how to be outgoing and all that crap... none of those help me... I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy but there will always be a time when hobbies cannot contain loneliness anymore...

Oh dear... I am in big trouble, I have an exam on Friday and a paper to pass and I haven't done anything yet... Damn it... this depression of mine is really a pain in the ass...

I've emailed the guidance office of my school... so far no replies... I have posted my "plea for help" on yahoo answers for a broader audience but again no replies... Damn it...

Loneliness + being intentionally ignored = really fucked "down" mood...

Sighs...

I feel like death is just around the corner... not Christmas not New Year not any fucking social event...

I don't feel anything at all anymore... I am just consumed by my self-hatred and loneliness...

I don't even know if I love myself anymore... its dwindling every day... I mean how can I  "forgive" myself if I am somehow a child molester? How can I forgive myself for being inadequate and incapable of being a normal guy? How can I forgive myself for wasting all my life moping like an emo bitch? How can I forgive myself for being a loser?

Keeping my cool is hard... My will to live is slowly being drained out... I don't even care about my hobbies anymore... I don't care about my family and (friends?)...

Sighs... so much to do in so little time with so little energy left...

My Life in Shambles

My life is crumbling to pieces...

Well as I have said before... this blog would serve as my "memoir"... and that include me putting up pictures of my cuts here...

Not that I flaunt it like some stupid emo guy... Everything here has a purpose...

I know its pretty lame...but I am saving "space"... I can only cut on my thighs and my body... I need to conserve these places for the future...

Do I really have to explain this? It is very straight forward... I hate myself...

Another straight forward message... I'm a loser...Notice that I put a " : " there because I am not only a loser... there are many things that I am, like this for example...

See... I'm saving space... I don't want to mindlessly slash myself in horizontal and vertical lines... And it has more "meaning" than just plain old cuts...

Just yesterday, my inferiority has really gone off the roof...

WARNING LOVELESS EMO RANT COMING UP:

Well I feel really down yesterday... I mean nobody really talks to me... Nobody adds me on facebook... Nobody texts me... Nobody even tries to be friendly to me... And there is this guy on the dorm that every girl seems to like... SIGHS... I feel like a total loser... No one from my dorm would even notice me... No girl has ever shown any interest in me... I am not even close with my room mates... occasional nods and smiles but thats it... Many beautiful girls reside on my dorm... triggers me everyday... I keep asking myself what does that guy have why everyone likes him? I mean well I won't even try to give compliments to myself and enumarate the good things that I have since it is worthless and futile...

Anyways, enough of this emo rant... My grades are also slipping so yeah, everything is falling apart... mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...


Christmas is coming... of course I won't be in any parties... of course no one would greet me... of course it is another cold Christmas for me...

My life is in shambles... I feel like God does not want me... Is there reason enough to live?

Maybe God Hates Me

I just want to fucking kill somebody... that somebody is me...

My life (which cannot be considered a "life") is slowly starting to crumble... Everything is falling apart...

I prayed to God yesterday to answer my question: "God do you want me to commit suicide?"... I mean I find the reason to do so everyday...

Then I got the answer (or I think it was an answer) early this morning as I was reading something for our Theology class...

I read something about Adam needing Eve... I read something about "love"... I read something about finding the other one... I read about that a person finds "completeness" with the other... I also read that it is completely wrong to shun the world because it is God's gift for us... And I also read that God made us to be "loving" beings... I will explain everything later...

Early this morning I typed on Google "God hates me"... then I saw one on Yahoo Answers... The guy who asked has problems (duh!) and so he thought that God hates him...

This was the "Best Answer" chosen by the asker:

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"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son ... "

Jesus said "It rains on the just and the unjust alike."

But because God doesn't hate you (in fact He LOVES you), He sent Jesus to die for your sins so you wouldn't have to face the Judge after you die.

Before you start talking about what God hasn't done for you, start with what He HAS done, and respond to that, first, and then take it from there, one step at a time. Jesus said, "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, and ALL these (other) things (that you need) will be added to you."

You can't complain about God not intervening in your life if you have pushed Him away, so the first step is (as I already stated), ask God to forgive you (based on the fact that Jesus died for your sins, in your place and then rose again the morning of the third day), repent (turn your back on) your sins and your old way of life, living ultimately for your self, and allow Jesus to be the Lord (boss) of your life.

Until you take that first step, you're still pushing God away, and as long as you continue to push God away, there's nothing at all God can do. He is, after all, a gentleman and won't force Himself on you. (That would be tantamount to "spiritual rape"). He said, "Behold, I stand at the door (of your heart) and knock. If any one will open (his heart) to me, I will come in and live with him, and he with me."

He said in His Word, "The ear of the Lord is not heavy that He can not hear you, nor is his arms shortened that He can not reach you, but your own sins have made a separation between you and God."

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What about that? I have done all of what I needed to do for God to help me but then what?

I have prayed countless of times for forgiveness... I have tried my best to repent from my sins... I have done quite well, if I might say, to not turn back to doing the things I've done... I always pray that "God just please take control of my life"... I have given Him the "wheel" to control and guide my life... I have asked many many times that He help me get out of this mess... But what has He done?

I need His help the most right now... but I never got any help... Instead of helping me get back up, He always tries His best to put me down... In every single way that He can, God gives me enough reason to feel depressed and down...

Now why do I blame God for every bit of misfortune that has happened to me? Well its simple really, I always pray for help and instead of being "uplifted" I always feel down at the end of the day... I get the exact opposite of what I pray for...

I suddenly remembered about Footprints in the Sand as I am typing this:

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Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

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Quite a contradiction to what I have been rambling earlier... So this past month was the time that I only see one set of footprints because Jesus was carrying me? But why does God need to carry me if He could easily just give me the strenght to walk? Why do I need to suffer if God could just help me out in the first place...

As I've said earlier... I fully believe that I have done everything I could to ask for God's help... I let Him take control of my life but nothing has happened so far? I also tried my best to help myself but to no avail...

Maybe God just wants me to commit suicide... He says He "helps" me but I don't see any help... He makes me remember all these "verses" that should help me continue to hold on... but at the end of the day He puts me back down again...

Or maybe its the devil who puts me down? But if thats the case then why does God let the devil destroy me?

God or the devil, whoever tries to put me down... I came to one conclusion.... I clearly do not belong to this world because apparently God does not want me here...

Do I not receive God's protection and blessings because I haven't gone to church for 6 years now? The only reason I stopped going to church is because of my social anxiety... I left church but I kept my faith... Through hard times Jesus is the only one I have... but I could take only so much pain...

In connection to what I've read on theology...  If the world is God's gift to man... If man was made to love a woman... If we are to find "fulness" in the other person... Then why have I not received / experienced any of them... The obvious reason was that God never intended me to experience about those things... He wants me to just I don't know maybe kill myself or live my life with full of suffering...

I think God finds amusement to my misery and probably to other person's as well... It was explicitly stated that suicide is a sin... so its like I have no choice but to duke it out with this life of mine... No easy way out... I have to live with all this pain and anger througout my whole life... and the means for this to be over is by natural or accidental death...

To sum everything up as to why God hates me:

- God never intended me to enjoy this world and all the things that it can give me like love from fellow humans, especially from an "Eve" for example.

- God always puts me down... well if He is not the one who puts me down... He still does not give me enough help or protection from being put down by external forces.

- I have turned everything down that is of this world. I have put God above all else but I still don't get any help. I might get some blessings (and I'm thanful) but I don't get the important things in life.

- If humans are intended to be social creatures, then why was I not given the capacity to be socialble? Should I just had been in a relationship I would have never developed a paraphilia. Should I just had any sort of social skill then I would not have to be like this.

- And last but not the least... I could say that God hates me or at the very least neglects me because after all He has done for me like saving me from appendicitis (one more day and I would have died so said the surgeon), saving me from a truck (the truck literally flew in front of me), saving me from a serious fever when I was a child (I was literally black and blue)... after all that He has done for me... He now does not even give any attention to my prayers...It was like a plan in the making to make me feel that He loves me only for me to find out that all of that was just a front to hurt me now on my lowest point in my life...

Its hard to explain everything as English is not my first language but deep inside my prayer was answered.

"God do you want me to commit suicide?"

I got the answer...

It was a "eureka" moment... Even God does not want me alive...

Up and Down

What a day!

And no, I did not type that on a happy tone... Up and then down... I felt happy and a little bit excited like a child when I have bought 4 tactical folders earlier today... I kept on saying "awesome and cool" because the knives really were awesome and cool... Its so damn sharp, I almost cut myself unintentionally when I took the blade out... I'm planning on making this a collection... still have a lot more to buy though... I mean who needs a fucking "Gillette Razor Blade" ? when you have real (in my case China-made replicas) tactical knives...

They look so cool!!! That was the "up" part of my day... then came the "down"...

As I was about to go home (after buying the tactical folders) a security guard badly mistreated me... He looked at me like I was some sort of scum, he was angry at me for no reason because most probably I looked like I cheated my train ticket...

Damn that guy... I talked to him nicely... after I bought a new ticket I talked to him again but he still looked as though he was going to fucking kill me... I of course was seething from inside... A lowly son of a bitch security guard was looking down on me... Who does he think he is? Whats inside my pocket at that very moment was most likely worth more than what he could get in a month! And I will never forget his fuckingly ugly face... This Friday I'll return to the station to settle the score... No I will not use what I learned from martial arts classes on him because he has a gun and a stick... I was only trained in fist to fist combat, MMA to be more exact...

Why did I let him step on my pride... I was doing nothing wrong but he treated me like I was cheating my way out of a P12 ticket... that bitch... well first of all I thought that I should not even verbally fight him because I remembered that Jesus who is a God was humiliated exponentially by what I experienced... so I was in a dillemma... should I stand up for myself or let him trample on my pride?

I let him step on me... I swallowed my pride... Well look at what Christianity taught me... I know I did the right thing to just "understand" him because he is just a fucking security guard but still...

Anyway a few tears fell out of my eye because whatever self-esteem I have for myself was gone because of that incident... I couldn't even stand up to myself...

But deep inside I knew I did the right thing... I knew I somehow made God happy because I bore in mind His teachings espcially about being humble...

It just ticked me off because I was having a very bad month... Anyways maybe I'll not report him as he may lose his job... I'll let it slide... It feels the right thing to do...

I however thought that I got nothing out of my "being humble" because not only did I reinforce the guard's bad behavior I also destroyed what is left of my self-esteem... but I thought that even if no one saw what I did, God is always watching and maybe He will reward me or something... not that I did it so that I'd have a reward...

But what reward I thought... I wish I'd get a blessing that is not about the material or physical... I always was praying to uhhmmm (never mind its just another romantic emo wish of mine like finding someone who understands, someone who can accept me and all that bullshit)...

Sighs... anyhow I don't feel angry anymore... just feeling like a loser thats all... Sometimes I ask God why He does He always makes me feel like a loser? Or is it the devil who makes me feel this way? I don't know because it could be a two-way argument... I will not spew out my boringly complex argument here... but I do know one thing and that is I have never felt like a winner before...

Just a while ago as I was getting hot water from my dorm's first floor... I saw three beautiful ladies who are also dormers and school mates of mine... They looked at me like I'm some kind of trash that does not belong in the same floor as them... I'm not certain though but that was my observation...

I'm not ugly per se... or am I? But the thing is I always feel like a "lesser" individual to everyone... Social-anxiety, inferiority complex and pedophilia.... AGGHHH!!!  These things are killing me!!!

Well I saw another post on the "remorse" section... this guy apparently is also a pedo and he felt bad about himself... like me he is ashamed and hateful of himself... then I remembered again the things that I've done... This guy had no "molestation contact" with the uhhhmm "victim"... he said he deserved death... if thats the case I also deserve death and in a worse way because I did more horrible things... I don't want to explain it in detail because it will haunt for the rest of the week... And then there are those pedos who really went all the way... they also deserve death but in the worst way...

But if there is remorse then people no matter what they've done deserves help... I got this from someone who replied to my thread... Sounds good to me... but its gonna take a while for a person to completely forgive himself and to also be forgiven by others...

Ugghhh I'm supposed to study for Japanese class... but this whole depression thing has really been affecting my studies a lot!

Well it seems that I will sleep with the "down" side of my day... too bad I really wish that sometimes I could go to sleep feeling better than being depressedor at the very least feeling better than sad...

Sighs

Sighs...

Sighs... all I can say about my day is... sighs... How uncreative of me... well "sighs" is the word (or action for that matter) that best describes my day today... All the missed quizzes... all the missed lectures... sighs...

My grades would definitely be affected... I just had to be totally depressed last week! What timing!

I was supposed to go to our school councellor to get some sort of help but it is easier said than done... I don't know how to approach their office... What should I say? Should I go all out and tell them that I'm having multiple problems all rooted to me being a pedophile and growing up being introverted?

Sighs...

I again always freeze up... I won't bring it up anymore but I also feel sad and alone when I'm at school or any other place where there are many people...

I just can't open my fucking mouth to say something... sighs...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck pedophilia and whatever other problems it has caused me!!!

I have to survive two more weeks of school... two more weeks of stress... two more weeks of loneliness at my dorm... two more weeks of constantly feeling down... When Christmas vacation starts, well I don't know if the holidays can supress my thoughts but its better than being at school being lonely...

Sighs...

Damn it... I need some help... but the only place I get one is on the internet... I'm thankful for that but it would be better if a person would help me face to face... If only someone can accept me in real life... I can't even accept myself and that has to be solved first...

Sighs...

A Rant

Yup...

Yup... I am in deep shit alright... I just saw on wikipedia, it is a reliable source, that there is "no cure yet" for my problem, I don't want to blatantly say it on public because I feel ashamed because of it but with a little critical thinking it is very obvious from my previous posts.... Makes enough sense since damage has already been done... Now I was not shocked... I was kinda expecting it but I'll still try....

I never wanted any of this to happen to me.... I never wanted to do something like that.... SIGHS..... Sometimes life is just unfair... In a few months I'll move to my own condo unit near my university...  My parents would also start letting me drive on my own.... I now have good grades.... dean's lister actually...looks like a good life but deep inside none of those are important although I am very thankful especially to God because of those blessings...

The Little Prince is right - "The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes, but with the heart. One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

I am depriving myself of happiness of life.... I feel horrible but it feels right... This is probably my punishment...

And guess what tomorrow is Monday... SIGHS.... I hate M-W-Fs, I wrote the reason in one of my past posts... I have a lot to do this week, study wise - exams, papers, recitations, sport wise - I have 2 games this week and my body is not yet at the right condition, martial arts wise - I'll probably start training again by the end of the week... I think all of these actitivities will be enough to at least take my mind off my problems...

But just seeing her bothers me a lot... I will try to talk to her... I managed to last week before and during class but not after... I was on top of the world for a few DAMN minutes!!! But I was on the lowest point whenever I realize I can't really approach her especially after class... She was kind enought to at least respond and give me some attention to what I was saying...

SIGHS...

Coping Up

An assembly of sorts...

Early this afternoon we had an assembly of sorts. There were very good speakers and I learned a lot from them. I felt inspired to help others... here I am again being a "Good Samaritan". A Samaritan who could not even help himself... Well I was depressed the day before because of certain reasons (I posted it here.) and when I woke up - same thing...

I can't seem to connect to the world... I never wanted to cut myself to feel at ease but I have to... Back when I never knew how to use a fucking blade... I had to go through life feeling depressed... I don't want to show that side of me to other people... Its a sign of weakness. I still feel depressed (duh!) but I hide it... I only express my sadness either through a destructive way or crazy-guy way (talking to myself) when nobody is around. So if I still have those feelings and I go outside I feel chaos on my head. I am trying to show my best to others while in fact I am struggling inside. It is a hard thing to do...

Carrying over 3 weeks worth of negative and pent-up emotions, I can't really go to the aforementioned assembly of sorts... I cut myself a little on the forearm and although it hurts I feel a little better - probably because of endorphins... I used to cut on my thighs but I don't want to soil my shorts... I also learned that using 70%  isoprophyll rubbing alcohol to treat cuts hurts a lot but the tickling pain is something that actually makes me laugh...

My way of coping up with the world... How pathetic am I? I thought that this day couldn't get any worse but alas I was wrong. I hitched up with someone I consider a friend, why a friend because I've known him since nursery and we are now on the same college... I always and I mean ALWAYS wear a "mask" whenever I interact with someone but because I felt a little comfortable I was caught off guard... I, for the first time in my life, told my struggles to someone who is not a doctor. Well he basically has the same experience as me, he also never had a good time growing up but mine was worse...Fuck I even showed him my scars DAMN IT!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!! But he looked shocked for some reason... He also managed to pull 3 triggers...

Anyway I told him that what we talked in his car better stay in his DAMN car!!!

Whenever I see my "battle scars" (every day for me is a battle - if I cut I lose) I feel sorry for myself but at the same time I always think that "Go look for that fucking blade and cut yourself fool". They are not exactly that deep because I only have a tiny sharpener blade but the alcohol puts the icing on the cake... Physical pain feels good when you are experiencing social and emotional pain...

You are probably thinking right now that I am such a loser and there are people out there who have more serious problems but they manage to live normally. You might also think that I'm a wuss because the cuts don't look serious. You most likely would also be thinking that I am just your everyday "cutter emo" guy looking for attention.... I don't care what you think about me... this is the only place where I can show how I feel inside...

Oh and if you do thought of those stuff.... FUCK YOU!!! Not everyone is as strong as you...

Her Smile

Damn...

Just as I expected... I failed again as usual... If only I have the courage to take out my own eyes to not see. If only I could rip my heart to not feel. So "emo"... I hate it... I have never thought that this kind of thing will happen to me. I always thought that I could live alone... I told myself to not "feel" again... I have rejected the notion of love... I was succesful for 2-3 years but then one day and BOOM!!! Everything that I believed in was put to pieces. Laugh at me cruel fate! I experience some sort of dissonance inside... I don't feel butterflies in my stomach... I only feel the pain that I was attracted to someone but couldn't do anything about it.

Why couldn't I do anything about it? Everythin about me is wrong... I can't let people know who I am... what I am... what I've done... My isolation is taking a huge toll on my mind... I can stand isolation if I can't see people... but everyday I have to go to class... and every other day I have to see her... PUTANG INA!!!

In a world where everyone is connected here I am left out... an outcast if you will... The internet is oppressing me... College is oppressing me... and in the end I oppress myself... AHHHHHH!!!!!

I can't go to my doctor this Saturday... I have a class which I'll attend... I thought that if I could see my doctor again and explain my situation maybe I'll feel a little relieved... But NO!!! I have another week to try and survive... I'll have to wake up for another 7 days knowing that I would go someplace that is full of triggers!!! Every M-W-F a bigger trigger is always present...

Mind: What?!! People are your trigger?!!!
Me: Yes...
Mind: LOL, sorry ass bitch LOL!!!
Me: .........
Mind: Go kill yourself already! Your a sorry exceuse for a person!!!
Me: I know that! Don't rub it on my face!!!
Mind: Then if you know that why do you still continue to try to exist?
Me: (starts listing down the pros and cons of suicide... becomes a coward in the end)
Mind: You are even afraid to take your life!!! Man your pathetic!!!
Me: (starts thinking about my Christian values.... prays to God... prays for forgiveness and praying for a better tomorrow.... cuts if head hurts too much and chest feels so heavy.... then goes to sleep)
The next morning after class.... SAME THING AGAIN!!!

This has been happening to me for a long time... but it became worse when a girl smiled at me... I never thought that I would be noticed for I am a piece of trash... My mind was confused... my heart feels pain... my soul starts to wither...

And she smiled again at me a while ago.... PUTANG INA!!! But I know deep inside that I could just pathetically try to be confident... No matter what I do I'll end up short... But why do I try to start a conversation, something I absolutely suck at? Why do I try to get out of my situation, something that would never improve? Why did I even go to school, something I should have never done???

BULLSHIT!!!!!!