Easily the Best Day of My Life so Far...

Praise the Lord wooohoooo!!!

I've never felt this happy since... I don't know when hahahaha!!!

I thought I've never have the chance but but... seems like there is a slight glitter of hope that I may actually be with her...

Yes she sees me only as a friend but hey it's better than nothing...

And she agreed to go eat out again with me hahahah!!! YES!!!

I thought life was only full of strife but I guess I was wrong... Life is beautiful for now that is...

The deadline is still up but so far things look like I'm gonna avoid that deadline =)

Through good times and bad times praised be thy God!!!

And now I can't study but who cares!?

What is important is that I am happy and she looked happy as well!!!

I don't know how long this would last but I am inspired after a very long time!!!

I need to tell this to my doctor, to my guidance counselor, and to my parents as well...

Let's see how long I can keep this up...

One day... one day...

I Hope It Never Ends...

The last few days have been very beautiful... I've never felt so at peace before...

Probably the fact that letting go of certain hurtful things really did take a load off my chest...

I could smile, I could laugh, I could be happy...

I hope it stays like this forever...

Been training in Muay Thai and BJJ as well... Finally got my 1st stripe in BJJ but I need to work more on my Muay Thai if I want to transition well to MMA...

And oh I will have lunch with her, as a friend take note, in two days... Well I can be myself more because I know that I can never have her so I don't need to act to stiff and prompt just to impress her or something along those lines...

As a friend... yes only a friend but a friend nonetheless... I'm not sad nor disappointed... I'm actually happy this way...

I also have gotten the application form for a college organization that I hope can change me and my perspectives about the world, about other people, and about myself as well...

Life is good...

In addition to Battlefield of the Mind I'm also reading another book entitled "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and you know what these two books have been really helpful to me...

Ahhh praise God that life is good... But in case one day I get depressed again... then PRAISE GOD for even if the fig tree does not bear fruit I shall rejoice in the Lord!!!

To Greener Pastures

I can finally smile without any hindrances after a very long time...

I used to think that I was over it a few months ago when I "accepted" the fact that my love cannot be returned... 

I used to think that we were close friends... but maybe that's not really the case... we'll see in the upcoming days... I only need to talk to her once to have some sort of closure (no I will not reveal my true feelings)...

I used to think that I was way way better than her current boyfriend... but all is fair in love and war... Although from an objective point of view I am "better" in many ways well... to each his/her own due...

I am not saying that she does not deserve my time nor vice versa... I am also not saying that she made the wrong decision...

I am not the right man for her and she is not the right girl for me... Not that there is anything wrong with the both of us... Sometimes people just don't see each other in the same light...

I am not insecure just because someone who I consider is "lesser" than me got her... I am not saying that I'm better I am just articulating the fact that she already had someone even before I met her...

It is actually me who is at fault here because I tried to take someone already taken... But meh... after 8 months of depression and hope, the bittersweet feeling is now gone... Not that I hate her... I just happened to realize the fact I deserve better than my current situation with her...

I'm not angry... I'm not sad... I'm not bitter... I am however thankful to the Lord for making me realize and see that there is more to life than a single girl...

My guidance counselor told me that to be likeable one must like himself first... not the other way around which was my train of thought...

Now I don't need anyone's approval... I like myself whether you like me or not... whether no one likes me or not... I like myself regardless of my dark past... regardless of my secrets... I approve of myself regardless of my flaws... 

You ask why? Because God loves me the way I am and I like myself the way I am... This however does not mean that I won't try to fix myself... I will continue to fix my problems... I will continue to change my negative perspective about life and everything else...

Diamonds are formed because of pressure...

I will continue to grow as a person... I will be beautiful inside... I'm not saying that I am not but what I'm trying to point out is that I will be BETTER!!!

I know the problems won't stop... There will come a time where I will be down and out again... but after 10 long years of being down I have always found a way to stand back up again thanks to God...

I can finally smile... No matter how many times I see her I will not feel the pain anymore for I have moved on to greener pastures...

I have a few more months to be a better person... Come November 2 and I am still in the same shit hole then

I will eventually have to end my life... But I'm putting up a good fight... 

I have taken the first few steps to be better... 

- Letting go of my past...

- Accepting that my love can't be returned not that there is anything wrong with me or her...

- Finally staying positive that I can somehow be a better person before November 2...

Well how about that I think a few more steps and I maybe out of my misery haha =)

My inspiration is myself... My source of willpower to be inspired to help myself is God.

Damn Coincidence!!!

Damn her!!!

Who is she to destroy my life?! Who is she to make me miserable?!

Ahhh well... it's just me being bitter and all that negative unrequited love emotion shit...

It was my fault anyway for living in a make-believe world where she and I could be together...

But this is reality and it is a fact that she does not see me the same way I see her...

I saw her this morning and she nonchalantly and casually waved at me... She did not say anything nor looked at me (she tapped and me and waved while not looking at me).

I do not want nor need to see her as my doctor ordered but there goes fate making me realize how much important she is to me and that I still can't get her off my damn heart and mind!!!

I am nothing but the irrelevant 0.1% to her while she is my 100%... I do not even matter not even as a friend... She treated me like I am some sort of mere acquaintance after 8 months of being her "close" friend...

DAMN HER!!!

I think I need to cut to get her off my mind... so I can study for law class later...

Here I am rambling about how miserable my stupid life is and tomorrow I'll ask her for lunch and after that I will just continue to be bitter and shit... And oh she just rejected my offer twice already...

Guess that's life... Once you found 'em they will never be yours...

Just keep moving forward...

Your smile makes me weep.
It hurts somewhere deep.

Why do you treat me so?
Alone in my heart I woe.

I know your heart can never be mine.
Until then I shall never be fine.

You could save me from myself.
Yet you never offer any help.

To my one and only.
My feelings you do not return not even partially.

Seems you found your happiness.
While I dwell in my own darkness.

Is it too much to ask oh cruel fate?
Such pain in me you create.

Oh miserable life.
Why must you add her to my strife?

To end it is the only choice.
So said the voice.

All I ever want is you.
Please believe what I've said is true.

An Obstacle to Conquer

Oh woe is me... Fate how cruel can you be?

I have a good friend who happened to help me out a few days ago... She also has all this problems plus she also cuts and stuff...

Well to sum it up she was there when I needed someone...

Yes she was helpful but she also posed some personal problems for me though...

But I AM STRONG NOW!!! I could see that this is just another obstacle for me to conquer with God's help...

Instead of being down and depressed because of the shit that keeps on happening... I will bounce back, not let this challenge hinder my growth as a person, and make this opportunity to be another good experience for me to grow...

Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts a little! Yes circumstances were never on my side! But fuck that I will keep a positive mind and hope for the best...

It's just a matter of time... God has given me all this troubles for me to be a strong person inside, someone who can stand on his own...

I'll learn how to walk on my own first before I could walk with other people...

Road to Recovery

Dear blog...

Its a new year... I felt really lonely on that day... we celebrated it in a mall... Free fireworks are always good... I mean who would want to burn their own money?

We were with our relatives but I felt so lonely... There were many people who looked happy being with their loved ones but I felt different...

Its a new year... I am slowly changing my ways... I know it will be hard but I'm trying my best...

I changed the title of this blog to "Road to Recovery"... I am not contemplating suicide anymore because I have found hope that things will do get better...

A lot of things has happened... most of them for the better... Although I still feel empty inside... I feel more at peace with myself...

I'm still not 100% okay... No one is fully "okay"... everyone has a share of their own problems...

There were many events that tempted me to go back into my cycle of depression but thank God that I have somehow avoided it... I know that there will be endless events that will make me crumble but I know better now...

I feel so tempted to cut again because of some personal reasons... Its a new year and I have lost my "inspiration"...

But the point is no matter how hard things might get for me... No matter how my mind tries to break me... No matter how frequent the devil tries to "trip" me... I will not fall down easily... I will do my best to stay as positive as I can... as strong as I can...

Of course I am doing my best to be a "better" person and I'm not just relying on a promise that things will get better...

I have left my path to suicide... I never gave importance to myself back then... I never saw hope... For the first time in 5 years I feel like tomorrow is a "new day"...

I am on my road to recovery... A road that will be full of obstacles... Change is not easy... There will be a lot of hurdles but the price at the end of the road looks so rewarding that I am willing to "not take the easy way out"...

I cannot promise myself that I will not be depressed... I cannot promise that I will never feel inferior... I cannot promise that I will not feel alone and suicidal... These things will come at some point but I am "equipped" with the right tools to deal with these problems...

Happy New Year they say... I was not happy... But that does not mean I am feeling hopeless... I was sad because I felt lonely... Its only natural... Maybe I'll find happiness at the end of the "road"... or maybe on the way there...

I feel like "Hopeful New Year" is more suited for me...

It Is An Art...

Damn... An animated movie just fucked up my day!!!

I watched the movie "5 Centimeters Per Second"... It was very beautiful yet it depicts a very ugly truth... I will not go into details about the movie, its plot, etc... All I can say is that it is a must-watch film... The pace is slow though but there is something special about that slow pace and every little detail / thought that is put into it...

Damn... Just watch the film and you will know how I feel... and given my circumstances... This film is so heart wrenching... more than "Grave of the Fireflies"... stupid train!!!

I was looking for the ending to embed here but damn... I couldn't bring myself to even listen to it... Anyways here is the ending and I...

Good Lord!!! This movie really ripped my heart out... It did not only touch my heart... This movie crushed it!!!

I still feel down everytime I try to remember this... Damn!!! I don't want to be a spoiler but the last song, the final scene... they really...

Anyways... The guy smiled at the end... He realized that she has moved on and he is happy about it... He is happy for her and for himeslf because they can now go on with their lives... SHIT!!! but still...

Moving on... it is an art that is hard to master... the thing is I haven't really moved on... Its not about love... Moving on is realted to everything that has passed... Love is usually a related topic about moving on but many things can be related to it...

I for one have wasted 5 years of my life because I failed to move on and forgive myself for doing a horrible thing to my sister...

I have wasted 4 years of my life because I have failed to move on from a simple crush that I had... A simple crush that went deep to my heart because she is so... but she was too perfect for me thats why I never had the courage... And oh I sent her a message on facebook about it... caused me a a few weeks of depression... Its on this blog... I messed up about it... but there is no point in crying over spilled milk...

But that was not a simple crush that easily went away... It caused me a lot of grief and deprived me of happiness for the rest of my high school year...

I feel so pathetic because I failed to let go of something I never even had in the first place... I failed to move on from something that is imaginary... We were never even friends... but the "what ifs and what could haves" really is gnawing at me every single night...

And all of this made me to who I am today... a negative, hopeless, self-hating (I hated myself so much becuase I did something wrong and because I did not do what is right) person... but I am not that person... Look at my previous post and you will see that I am starting to change my ways but still... 5 years is relatively short but those 5 years are my high school years... supposedly the best years a student can have... and the effects have carried on even to my 2nd year of college...

Long story short... "5 cm per second" made me realize that I need to move on... I need to let go of my past... The things I've done and the things I failed to do... The guy in the film was happy about it... Before he realized it his life was starting to crumble... I basically need to move forward...

And the thing about this other girl who also happens to be taken is also another issue for me... Come to think of it I have only really felt this kind of attraction to about 2 to 4 girls... As a boy I have a lot of crushes but they do not last long except for these two... The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend is because of my "easy-fading interest" and when I do find someone who I am really attracted to... I just can't bring myself to do anything because of everything that I have posted on this blog (inferiority, anxiety, my personality, my past, etc...)

So the only time that I really feel my "heart beat"... on both of these occassions... they are both FUCKING TAKEN!!! And I can't even do anything about it... I don't want to enumerate why but this is where inferiority kicks in...

Sighs... I really need to master the art of moving on... The second time I felt something fill up my gaping heart... I did something about it... I started to change myself (I also changed myself the first time; studying hard to be in the star section and all that...) but this second time... I really dug deep and I tried to be as positive as I can... I denounced all of my inferiorities but still... She outright ignored me... it hurts... damn... I shouldn't have...

What is wrong with me? Realistically speaking I am not ugly (on the outside that is...), I have a fairly good life, I may be not the smartest but I can say that I am somewhat intelligent, I am no couch potato nor am I physically weak... But why the hell...

Well my life has to go on... I need to forget about them... They are happy with their own lives... I must start moving forward...

She has only ignored me but she has not really "rejected" me or anything... I could be wrong but I need to stop being passive and negative about it... I will not give up...

Sighs... I need to do someting about it... I'm trying to actively pursue her when classes resume... I'm doing my best to "cure" myself of everything that is bothering me... I need to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to have a chance to even be friends with her... (we are friends on facebook and we do sometimes talk but still...) If for my own happiness I need to step on somebody I will do it... She might have a boyfriend but I'll do my very best to be a better man for her...

I'm doing my best now to change... to be a better person... for her...  I don't know what will happen but this time I will take a risk... I'm excited to go back to school... Now if she rejects me... well that topic is reserved for another day if it indeed happens...

I may sound shallow as of late because of all this lovey-dovey stuff... but I need this... I feel like I need someone... I have been an island for as long as I can remember... I guess its also about time that I look for someone to share my life with... Thats why I'm fixing my life so... you know...

Hope for the best... I'm not yet expecting the worst because it will trigger my negative emotions but I feel like I'll be prepared for it though...

Down...

Its been a while...

I feel a lot better now... I have opened up to my parents (except about my pedo thing) and it has been very helpful to me...

"Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer has also been very helpful... I'm less negative... I'm more cheerful... My mood has been pretty good and even my "aura" has changed...

There have been of course a few bumps... I'm not yet 100% okay but I'm getting there slowly but surely... Its not an overnight change... There will be times where I will "fall down or stumble" but because of my new outlook I feel like I can still go one...

The book has really opened my mind... God answered my prayers so fast... I needed some help and he gave it... of course change will not come overnight and there will be a lot of obstacles on my way to finally ridding myself of negative emotions/thoughts... but for the first time in 5 years, I felt that there was hope for me...

Its not just "putting a patch" on my wound... I'm now finally treating the wound to make sure it heals up... I have also done many things I wouldn't have done otherwise... I finally started adding friends (I of course know those people) on facebook (I know its a real silly but its a big thing for me to add people even on facebook)...

I'm doing a lot of things to overcome my social anxiety even if its through the internet...Slow steps... but still...

I'm doing pretty well... It will take time to remove social anxiety, inferiority, pessimism but I feel like I have the "tools" that I'll need to overcome this...

I have also found a "reason" as to why I should no longer continue to punish myself... All these years of pain and suffering I've caused to myself because I feel guilty about what I did in the past... I think I've done enough... Its now time to "free" myself on this self-imposed prison that I put upon myself...

Sometimes... the thougths return... My mind is still haunting me and tempting me to go bakc to punishing myself... It has been explained in the book (I'm not yet on that chapter) and its hard to stay positive...

Helping, loving and caring for myself is something new to me... I have always hated myself for as long as I can remember so I'm still confused about it... Sometimes I would question my resolve... Sometimes I would think that I should not be doing this instead I should be thinking of punishing myself more...

But I believe God wants me to live a happy / normal life... It will be hard to remove every last bit of my old self but it will be for the better... He gave me people who are there to help, He gave me understanding parents, He gave me a book / guide on how to recover... He gave me every thing that I will need... Its just up to me to use it properly...

Why is the title "Down" ? ... well I feel a down right now because the girl that I really feel is like a keeper did not even reply to a simple message I sent her... I failed to give her the Christmas gift that I bought... I added her on facebook, she accepted, I sent her a simple "Hi (and a random question about somebody who left a camera on our room)"... I waited for about a week and it seems she has no intention of replying... I even saw her pics and well I must admit defeat to a better man...

"Her smile"... I believe that is the title of the post where I explained how I was attracted to her... we do talk at school but were not really friends...

This is where the obstacles start... Since I must admit defeat to a better person my inferiority complex is flaring up... Since I have let another "keeper" pass be without me even having a chance this is where all my negative thoughts rise up... Since a simple message has been ignored this is where my social anxiety starts to creep in... I'm still in control of all these though but I feel like there is a volcano ready to erupt inside me...

Its going to be a battle... I must control and pacify all these negative emotions/thoughts... I still feel okay... but deep inside I know that its like a beast has been awakened again... a beast that will cause me a lot of suffering... I however am still doing my best to stay positive...

I read on the book... "everything works out for good"... I believe everything will be fine in the end... another quote a good person told me was "everything will be fine in the end... if its not okay its not the end (or something like that)"...

Sighs... And I haven't even really addressed my issue about my pedophilia and incestous thoughts (its up to a psychiatrist to treat/ decipher)... but I believe these thoughts do not define me...

I am better than what I think or feel I am... Even though I "slipped' a couple of times, even though I sometimes have "evil" thoughts... I feel that I am so much better than that and I deserve to live a normal life...

I'm a little down because of this girl but yeah... I'll bounce right back up... I'll rebound this miss...