The Grass is NOT Greener on the Other Side

Finally moved on from an unrequited love...

FINALLY!!! I didn't tell her but hey at least we can continue being friends =)

And now on to the other side of greener pastures...

But alas damn wretched heart the grass is not greener on the other side...

To greener pastures they say but nay...

Oh woe is me...

Another F for me...

Been sad for a few days now...

Almost hit rock bottom again...

SIGHS...

Wounds have been opened...

Separation is the only answer...

I Hope It Never Ends...

The last few days have been very beautiful... I've never felt so at peace before...

Probably the fact that letting go of certain hurtful things really did take a load off my chest...

I could smile, I could laugh, I could be happy...

I hope it stays like this forever...

Been training in Muay Thai and BJJ as well... Finally got my 1st stripe in BJJ but I need to work more on my Muay Thai if I want to transition well to MMA...

And oh I will have lunch with her, as a friend take note, in two days... Well I can be myself more because I know that I can never have her so I don't need to act to stiff and prompt just to impress her or something along those lines...

As a friend... yes only a friend but a friend nonetheless... I'm not sad nor disappointed... I'm actually happy this way...

I also have gotten the application form for a college organization that I hope can change me and my perspectives about the world, about other people, and about myself as well...

Life is good...

In addition to Battlefield of the Mind I'm also reading another book entitled "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and you know what these two books have been really helpful to me...

Ahhh praise God that life is good... But in case one day I get depressed again... then PRAISE GOD for even if the fig tree does not bear fruit I shall rejoice in the Lord!!!

To Greener Pastures

I can finally smile without any hindrances after a very long time...

I used to think that I was over it a few months ago when I "accepted" the fact that my love cannot be returned... 

I used to think that we were close friends... but maybe that's not really the case... we'll see in the upcoming days... I only need to talk to her once to have some sort of closure (no I will not reveal my true feelings)...

I used to think that I was way way better than her current boyfriend... but all is fair in love and war... Although from an objective point of view I am "better" in many ways well... to each his/her own due...

I am not saying that she does not deserve my time nor vice versa... I am also not saying that she made the wrong decision...

I am not the right man for her and she is not the right girl for me... Not that there is anything wrong with the both of us... Sometimes people just don't see each other in the same light...

I am not insecure just because someone who I consider is "lesser" than me got her... I am not saying that I'm better I am just articulating the fact that she already had someone even before I met her...

It is actually me who is at fault here because I tried to take someone already taken... But meh... after 8 months of depression and hope, the bittersweet feeling is now gone... Not that I hate her... I just happened to realize the fact I deserve better than my current situation with her...

I'm not angry... I'm not sad... I'm not bitter... I am however thankful to the Lord for making me realize and see that there is more to life than a single girl...

My guidance counselor told me that to be likeable one must like himself first... not the other way around which was my train of thought...

Now I don't need anyone's approval... I like myself whether you like me or not... whether no one likes me or not... I like myself regardless of my dark past... regardless of my secrets... I approve of myself regardless of my flaws... 

You ask why? Because God loves me the way I am and I like myself the way I am... This however does not mean that I won't try to fix myself... I will continue to fix my problems... I will continue to change my negative perspective about life and everything else...

Diamonds are formed because of pressure...

I will continue to grow as a person... I will be beautiful inside... I'm not saying that I am not but what I'm trying to point out is that I will be BETTER!!!

I know the problems won't stop... There will come a time where I will be down and out again... but after 10 long years of being down I have always found a way to stand back up again thanks to God...

I can finally smile... No matter how many times I see her I will not feel the pain anymore for I have moved on to greener pastures...

I have a few more months to be a better person... Come November 2 and I am still in the same shit hole then

I will eventually have to end my life... But I'm putting up a good fight... 

I have taken the first few steps to be better... 

- Letting go of my past...

- Accepting that my love can't be returned not that there is anything wrong with me or her...

- Finally staying positive that I can somehow be a better person before November 2...

Well how about that I think a few more steps and I maybe out of my misery haha =)

My inspiration is myself... My source of willpower to be inspired to help myself is God.

Tomorrow's Trigger

Whew as a tough day of training will come to an end... I must face another tough day tomorrow but this time it has nothing to do with the physical but with the mental and the emotional...

I don't need to explain it in detail but to sum it up I know I will be depressed tomorrow because of two things...

Quite funny that I have to choose one or the other for the reason of me being depressed tomorrow haha...

1.) If I see the my trigger I know I will be depressed as shit...

2.) If I don't see my trigger I will surely be depressed as well since I will be missing her...

I just can't get her off my fucking mind!!!

 I'm already physically worn out and having to deal with shit isn't doing any good to my overall health...

Well at least I will get to see one of the school's guidance counselor, I can explain to him the shit I've been feeling...

I've been writing a lot about this loveless emo shit but hey this is the only place where I get to vent it out...

Sighs... All I could do is to sigh... Sighs.... I just can't accept the fact that...

Maybe there is something wrong with me... There must be...

Maybe telling her about my self turned her off... I knew it!!!

The moment I let my guard down and told her what the fucking hell happened to me growing up surely must have scared her off... Fuck life... Nobody would be interested in a victim and "victimizer"...

Seems that no one can accept me for being who I am... Having a dark past and all that shit... I never should have opened up to her... I know I don't have any swagger on but hey this is who I am...

All she does to me is make me feel like a total loser, a total trash, a reject of society...

All because of my stupid past, my stupid experiences... damn fuck!!!

At the end of the day I still am an island...

Damn Coincidence!!!

Damn her!!!

Who is she to destroy my life?! Who is she to make me miserable?!

Ahhh well... it's just me being bitter and all that negative unrequited love emotion shit...

It was my fault anyway for living in a make-believe world where she and I could be together...

But this is reality and it is a fact that she does not see me the same way I see her...

I saw her this morning and she nonchalantly and casually waved at me... She did not say anything nor looked at me (she tapped and me and waved while not looking at me).

I do not want nor need to see her as my doctor ordered but there goes fate making me realize how much important she is to me and that I still can't get her off my damn heart and mind!!!

I am nothing but the irrelevant 0.1% to her while she is my 100%... I do not even matter not even as a friend... She treated me like I am some sort of mere acquaintance after 8 months of being her "close" friend...

DAMN HER!!!

I think I need to cut to get her off my mind... so I can study for law class later...

Here I am rambling about how miserable my stupid life is and tomorrow I'll ask her for lunch and after that I will just continue to be bitter and shit... And oh she just rejected my offer twice already...

Guess that's life... Once you found 'em they will never be yours...

Just keep moving forward...

Your smile makes me weep.
It hurts somewhere deep.

Why do you treat me so?
Alone in my heart I woe.

I know your heart can never be mine.
Until then I shall never be fine.

You could save me from myself.
Yet you never offer any help.

To my one and only.
My feelings you do not return not even partially.

Seems you found your happiness.
While I dwell in my own darkness.

Is it too much to ask oh cruel fate?
Such pain in me you create.

Oh miserable life.
Why must you add her to my strife?

To end it is the only choice.
So said the voice.

All I ever want is you.
Please believe what I've said is true.

An Obstacle to Conquer

Oh woe is me... Fate how cruel can you be?

I have a good friend who happened to help me out a few days ago... She also has all this problems plus she also cuts and stuff...

Well to sum it up she was there when I needed someone...

Yes she was helpful but she also posed some personal problems for me though...

But I AM STRONG NOW!!! I could see that this is just another obstacle for me to conquer with God's help...

Instead of being down and depressed because of the shit that keeps on happening... I will bounce back, not let this challenge hinder my growth as a person, and make this opportunity to be another good experience for me to grow...

Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts a little! Yes circumstances were never on my side! But fuck that I will keep a positive mind and hope for the best...

It's just a matter of time... God has given me all this troubles for me to be a strong person inside, someone who can stand on his own...

I'll learn how to walk on my own first before I could walk with other people...

Rehab and Shit

I haven't posted in a long long while. But to sum things up here are the shit that has happened to me so far:

- I was supposed to finally end my life via OD by using my meds.
- I told my crush who also happens to be my friend "Goodbye"  and oh I also gave her a gift that she nonchalantly accepted FUCK but she kept on pressing for info and well I spilled the beans. I kinda regret telling her my secrets though as she now thinks I'm disgusting.
- I chickened out and was sent to a psychological recovery center.
- I met true friends at the center.We were all on the same boat so yeah we kinda like connect with each other.
- I was trying to fix myself when I was at the facility and I felt like I was fine so I was released within a week!
- Praise God and everything. I found a "new life"but things are going a little downhill for me at the moment.

The implications of what happened:
- I will stay in college for another damn year cause a class of mine was delayed due to me being sent to a rehab FUCKSHIT!!!
- I've told a few people about my past and guess what that doesn't sit well with me.
- The good thing is that I became closer with my crush and I'm planning on asking her out sometime but meh... I'm just asking to be friendzoned haha.

At the end of the day the inevitable just got delayed... I'm planning on committing suicide during the graduation of my supposed batch (take note I was supposed to graduate with them but boo fucking hoo shit happens).

Road to Recovery

Dear blog...

Its a new year... I felt really lonely on that day... we celebrated it in a mall... Free fireworks are always good... I mean who would want to burn their own money?

We were with our relatives but I felt so lonely... There were many people who looked happy being with their loved ones but I felt different...

Its a new year... I am slowly changing my ways... I know it will be hard but I'm trying my best...

I changed the title of this blog to "Road to Recovery"... I am not contemplating suicide anymore because I have found hope that things will do get better...

A lot of things has happened... most of them for the better... Although I still feel empty inside... I feel more at peace with myself...

I'm still not 100% okay... No one is fully "okay"... everyone has a share of their own problems...

There were many events that tempted me to go back into my cycle of depression but thank God that I have somehow avoided it... I know that there will be endless events that will make me crumble but I know better now...

I feel so tempted to cut again because of some personal reasons... Its a new year and I have lost my "inspiration"...

But the point is no matter how hard things might get for me... No matter how my mind tries to break me... No matter how frequent the devil tries to "trip" me... I will not fall down easily... I will do my best to stay as positive as I can... as strong as I can...

Of course I am doing my best to be a "better" person and I'm not just relying on a promise that things will get better...

I have left my path to suicide... I never gave importance to myself back then... I never saw hope... For the first time in 5 years I feel like tomorrow is a "new day"...

I am on my road to recovery... A road that will be full of obstacles... Change is not easy... There will be a lot of hurdles but the price at the end of the road looks so rewarding that I am willing to "not take the easy way out"...

I cannot promise myself that I will not be depressed... I cannot promise that I will never feel inferior... I cannot promise that I will not feel alone and suicidal... These things will come at some point but I am "equipped" with the right tools to deal with these problems...

Happy New Year they say... I was not happy... But that does not mean I am feeling hopeless... I was sad because I felt lonely... Its only natural... Maybe I'll find happiness at the end of the "road"... or maybe on the way there...

I feel like "Hopeful New Year" is more suited for me...

It Is An Art...

Damn... An animated movie just fucked up my day!!!

I watched the movie "5 Centimeters Per Second"... It was very beautiful yet it depicts a very ugly truth... I will not go into details about the movie, its plot, etc... All I can say is that it is a must-watch film... The pace is slow though but there is something special about that slow pace and every little detail / thought that is put into it...

Damn... Just watch the film and you will know how I feel... and given my circumstances... This film is so heart wrenching... more than "Grave of the Fireflies"... stupid train!!!

I was looking for the ending to embed here but damn... I couldn't bring myself to even listen to it... Anyways here is the ending and I...

Good Lord!!! This movie really ripped my heart out... It did not only touch my heart... This movie crushed it!!!

I still feel down everytime I try to remember this... Damn!!! I don't want to be a spoiler but the last song, the final scene... they really...

Anyways... The guy smiled at the end... He realized that she has moved on and he is happy about it... He is happy for her and for himeslf because they can now go on with their lives... SHIT!!! but still...

Moving on... it is an art that is hard to master... the thing is I haven't really moved on... Its not about love... Moving on is realted to everything that has passed... Love is usually a related topic about moving on but many things can be related to it...

I for one have wasted 5 years of my life because I failed to move on and forgive myself for doing a horrible thing to my sister...

I have wasted 4 years of my life because I have failed to move on from a simple crush that I had... A simple crush that went deep to my heart because she is so... but she was too perfect for me thats why I never had the courage... And oh I sent her a message on facebook about it... caused me a a few weeks of depression... Its on this blog... I messed up about it... but there is no point in crying over spilled milk...

But that was not a simple crush that easily went away... It caused me a lot of grief and deprived me of happiness for the rest of my high school year...

I feel so pathetic because I failed to let go of something I never even had in the first place... I failed to move on from something that is imaginary... We were never even friends... but the "what ifs and what could haves" really is gnawing at me every single night...

And all of this made me to who I am today... a negative, hopeless, self-hating (I hated myself so much becuase I did something wrong and because I did not do what is right) person... but I am not that person... Look at my previous post and you will see that I am starting to change my ways but still... 5 years is relatively short but those 5 years are my high school years... supposedly the best years a student can have... and the effects have carried on even to my 2nd year of college...

Long story short... "5 cm per second" made me realize that I need to move on... I need to let go of my past... The things I've done and the things I failed to do... The guy in the film was happy about it... Before he realized it his life was starting to crumble... I basically need to move forward...

And the thing about this other girl who also happens to be taken is also another issue for me... Come to think of it I have only really felt this kind of attraction to about 2 to 4 girls... As a boy I have a lot of crushes but they do not last long except for these two... The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend is because of my "easy-fading interest" and when I do find someone who I am really attracted to... I just can't bring myself to do anything because of everything that I have posted on this blog (inferiority, anxiety, my personality, my past, etc...)

So the only time that I really feel my "heart beat"... on both of these occassions... they are both FUCKING TAKEN!!! And I can't even do anything about it... I don't want to enumerate why but this is where inferiority kicks in...

Sighs... I really need to master the art of moving on... The second time I felt something fill up my gaping heart... I did something about it... I started to change myself (I also changed myself the first time; studying hard to be in the star section and all that...) but this second time... I really dug deep and I tried to be as positive as I can... I denounced all of my inferiorities but still... She outright ignored me... it hurts... damn... I shouldn't have...

What is wrong with me? Realistically speaking I am not ugly (on the outside that is...), I have a fairly good life, I may be not the smartest but I can say that I am somewhat intelligent, I am no couch potato nor am I physically weak... But why the hell...

Well my life has to go on... I need to forget about them... They are happy with their own lives... I must start moving forward...

She has only ignored me but she has not really "rejected" me or anything... I could be wrong but I need to stop being passive and negative about it... I will not give up...

Sighs... I need to do someting about it... I'm trying to actively pursue her when classes resume... I'm doing my best to "cure" myself of everything that is bothering me... I need to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to have a chance to even be friends with her... (we are friends on facebook and we do sometimes talk but still...) If for my own happiness I need to step on somebody I will do it... She might have a boyfriend but I'll do my very best to be a better man for her...

I'm doing my best now to change... to be a better person... for her...  I don't know what will happen but this time I will take a risk... I'm excited to go back to school... Now if she rejects me... well that topic is reserved for another day if it indeed happens...

I may sound shallow as of late because of all this lovey-dovey stuff... but I need this... I feel like I need someone... I have been an island for as long as I can remember... I guess its also about time that I look for someone to share my life with... Thats why I'm fixing my life so... you know...

Hope for the best... I'm not yet expecting the worst because it will trigger my negative emotions but I feel like I'll be prepared for it though...

Down...

Its been a while...

I feel a lot better now... I have opened up to my parents (except about my pedo thing) and it has been very helpful to me...

"Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer has also been very helpful... I'm less negative... I'm more cheerful... My mood has been pretty good and even my "aura" has changed...

There have been of course a few bumps... I'm not yet 100% okay but I'm getting there slowly but surely... Its not an overnight change... There will be times where I will "fall down or stumble" but because of my new outlook I feel like I can still go one...

The book has really opened my mind... God answered my prayers so fast... I needed some help and he gave it... of course change will not come overnight and there will be a lot of obstacles on my way to finally ridding myself of negative emotions/thoughts... but for the first time in 5 years, I felt that there was hope for me...

Its not just "putting a patch" on my wound... I'm now finally treating the wound to make sure it heals up... I have also done many things I wouldn't have done otherwise... I finally started adding friends (I of course know those people) on facebook (I know its a real silly but its a big thing for me to add people even on facebook)...

I'm doing a lot of things to overcome my social anxiety even if its through the internet...Slow steps... but still...

I'm doing pretty well... It will take time to remove social anxiety, inferiority, pessimism but I feel like I have the "tools" that I'll need to overcome this...

I have also found a "reason" as to why I should no longer continue to punish myself... All these years of pain and suffering I've caused to myself because I feel guilty about what I did in the past... I think I've done enough... Its now time to "free" myself on this self-imposed prison that I put upon myself...

Sometimes... the thougths return... My mind is still haunting me and tempting me to go bakc to punishing myself... It has been explained in the book (I'm not yet on that chapter) and its hard to stay positive...

Helping, loving and caring for myself is something new to me... I have always hated myself for as long as I can remember so I'm still confused about it... Sometimes I would question my resolve... Sometimes I would think that I should not be doing this instead I should be thinking of punishing myself more...

But I believe God wants me to live a happy / normal life... It will be hard to remove every last bit of my old self but it will be for the better... He gave me people who are there to help, He gave me understanding parents, He gave me a book / guide on how to recover... He gave me every thing that I will need... Its just up to me to use it properly...

Why is the title "Down" ? ... well I feel a down right now because the girl that I really feel is like a keeper did not even reply to a simple message I sent her... I failed to give her the Christmas gift that I bought... I added her on facebook, she accepted, I sent her a simple "Hi (and a random question about somebody who left a camera on our room)"... I waited for about a week and it seems she has no intention of replying... I even saw her pics and well I must admit defeat to a better man...

"Her smile"... I believe that is the title of the post where I explained how I was attracted to her... we do talk at school but were not really friends...

This is where the obstacles start... Since I must admit defeat to a better person my inferiority complex is flaring up... Since I have let another "keeper" pass be without me even having a chance this is where all my negative thoughts rise up... Since a simple message has been ignored this is where my social anxiety starts to creep in... I'm still in control of all these though but I feel like there is a volcano ready to erupt inside me...

Its going to be a battle... I must control and pacify all these negative emotions/thoughts... I still feel okay... but deep inside I know that its like a beast has been awakened again... a beast that will cause me a lot of suffering... I however am still doing my best to stay positive...

I read on the book... "everything works out for good"... I believe everything will be fine in the end... another quote a good person told me was "everything will be fine in the end... if its not okay its not the end (or something like that)"...

Sighs... And I haven't even really addressed my issue about my pedophilia and incestous thoughts (its up to a psychiatrist to treat/ decipher)... but I believe these thoughts do not define me...

I am better than what I think or feel I am... Even though I "slipped' a couple of times, even though I sometimes have "evil" thoughts... I feel that I am so much better than that and I deserve to live a normal life...

I'm a little down because of this girl but yeah... I'll bounce right back up... I'll rebound this miss...

Ahhh.... Fuck!!!!

Damn stupid day! Well the day is not stupid its me who is stupid...

Crammed for an exam...

Did not go to a Christmas party because of my fear of social activities...

Worst part of all... I chickened out to give a gift to a female classmate...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck my stupid ass personality!!!

I never wanted to be a fucking loner... Its so damn hard to live like this...

Man.... another sad Christmas season for me... damn it!!!

I should have gave her the gift... it was nothing special just a small size "Kisses" pouch... I sucked big time...

At least I got to talk to her but I wanted to spend more time with her...

Bullshit!!! Still have classes tomorrow but I'm gonna ditch it...

I'm not really excited with my Christmas vacation... I'm back to my house... isolated... alone...

Fuck it...

The time of year that people socialize a lot and I'm at my house alone at my room moping...

I wish we could at least be friends... for some reason she brightens up my gloomy day with just one smile...

Fuck... I'm supposed to be at a party but here I am typing about my loneliness...

Its been 3 years since I last had a Christmas party with classmates...

Nobody even asked me to come... but I was invited because the invitation was supposed to be for the whole block... everyone was excited about it, talking about it before it even started... well its only natural that no one would dare try to befriend me because I look scary and I act cold...

Damn... feeling so bitter... at this time of the year where most are happy there are those who dwell on depression... regret... hate... jealousy... bitterness...

Overslept

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I studied yesterday... memorized some provisions for our law class.... but FUCKING DAMN IT!!!

I stupidly overslept... I can't go to class anymore because I will be still considered absent... BULLSHIT!!!

A few more absence and I will be forced to drop my law class... damn...

It is the first time I overslept... STUPID alarm clock (well in my case it is a cellphone) !!! I'm doomed... DOOMED!!!

UGHHHH!!! AGGGHHH!!!

I was absent almost the whole week last week barring Monday and now I am absent again and for no serious reason...

I had to not go to school last week because of my depression but this time I only stupidly fucking overslept by 30 fucking minutes!!!

DAMN IT!!!

Well whats done is done.... but how can I not feel angry about this?

The good thing though is law class is my only class for today... others were cancelled because of some mass...

However it is highly possible that we had a quiz today... I am so dead...

This is something "new"... not related to any "psychological" stuff... but I don't like this kind of "new"...

I need to buy a real alarm clock plus I will also still use my cellphone so thats 2 alarms... and if by then I still won't fucking wake up (but I sometimes pray to God that I won't wake up =P).... then I don't know what to do anymore...

A Vent

Dear diary...

Its the start of a new day... new but the same as before... so its not really new...

I have just read a few replies on a forum that really messes up my mood... I don't want to see that thread again... DAMN!!! Its like someone is putting alcohol on a very very big wound that I have...

School time again... I feel though that I am starting to lose my grip on my mental stabilty... I've been having a really hard time trying to act normal when I'm at school... Its hard to wear a mask when deep down something is destroying you...

Well in general it is hard to live outside of my room because every time I step out I must step out as a "normal" guy... No one must see through me... It is really hard... people think they know you but no...

DAMN that stupid thread I made... made a fool out of myself again... not that it matters because I don't have to hide my face or anything... and the receiver of that damn shit won't also see me so good thing I still saved face...

I'm starting to feel like a volcano... I feel though that anytime I can "erupt"... another violent outburst... things that make me look like a belong to an asylum...

I always go out with a fake smile... my serious deposition is a way for me to "ward off" people so that they won't try to be friends with me... it hurts me when someone tries to be friends with me because I know that they will not really be my friends once they know who the real me is...

Another day... sighs... I wish I can feel a short respite... Exams are coming up next week... still haven't studied... And because I was absent almost the whole week last week I have a lot of things to catch back up... Paper works are also piling up... damn college life... Others survive because they have a "support system of college friends"... me on the other hand... has no support sytem shit whatsoever...

I have just learned yesterday that me longing for someone to love me is futile... I mean what was I even thinking? I clearly have no business with that kind of shit... It hurts but I have to accept that I'll be alone... I'll probably grow old alone having this issues...

Fucking stupid life!

And oh to add to my vent... I saw that some keywords for my blog are "emo cuts on arms", "emo cuts on fore arms"... I mean I'm not a fucking emo... well I don't dress like one... then I looked up in the net about pictures of cutting... Clearly some people are just doing it to be labelled "emo" it has become a fad or whatever...

I don't want to be labelled as an emo guy... I'm only doing this to keep control whenever I feel severely depressed.... damn this kids putting make ups and eyeliners... listening to sad music... damn them they have no idea how it is to be "internally diturbed"... they make it look like cutters are superficial...

Does it look cool? No it doesn't... cuts only serve as a reminder of bad experiences... well why do these emo kids who you see flaunting their make up and smiling like bitches cut? Well to them it looks cool, be called "emo". Fuck that shit!!!

Stupid people... I'd do anything to not be an "emo"... but they try to be... stupid kids... Cutting is not cool... I will do anything to be a normal guy... Stupid bitches...

There are those who don't appreciate the "emo culture"... it is as if they make fun of cutters...

Having depression and other issues is not cool... they try to be all negative in life just to look like their favorite rock bands or whatever...

Bounce...

Sighs

Sighs...

Sighs... all I can say about my day is... sighs... How uncreative of me... well "sighs" is the word (or action for that matter) that best describes my day today... All the missed quizzes... all the missed lectures... sighs...

My grades would definitely be affected... I just had to be totally depressed last week! What timing!

I was supposed to go to our school councellor to get some sort of help but it is easier said than done... I don't know how to approach their office... What should I say? Should I go all out and tell them that I'm having multiple problems all rooted to me being a pedophile and growing up being introverted?

Sighs...

I again always freeze up... I won't bring it up anymore but I also feel sad and alone when I'm at school or any other place where there are many people...

I just can't open my fucking mouth to say something... sighs...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck pedophilia and whatever other problems it has caused me!!!

I have to survive two more weeks of school... two more weeks of stress... two more weeks of loneliness at my dorm... two more weeks of constantly feeling down... When Christmas vacation starts, well I don't know if the holidays can supress my thoughts but its better than being at school being lonely...

Sighs...

Damn it... I need some help... but the only place I get one is on the internet... I'm thankful for that but it would be better if a person would help me face to face... If only someone can accept me in real life... I can't even accept myself and that has to be solved first...

Sighs...

Heart Still Beats

SIGHS...

I have sent her a message... damn... Well I don't know why I feel nervous... I am not expecting anything... I just wanted to get some things off my chest... Here is the message I sent her:

Please delete this message afterwards and please don’t reply...

Good am... I’m really sorry for bothering you... First of all this message may sound stalker-ish but I promise you its not... This may look creepy or disturbing but I have no intention of being a creep or something else for that matter... I happened to see your profile on facebook on the “people who you might know” section... You of course do not know me, only by name I guess... We were batchmates for two years and I uhhmm... I need to get some things off my chest... It has been bothering me for some time now... I just wanted to say that I used to have a big crush on you... (whew)....  Now that I have said it, it feels good to get some things off my chest...  Its really only a simple thing but at least I have got through an obstacle of sorts...Anyways, I never had the chance to say it to you before... and it has bothered me for some time...  pathetic right? You most likely won’t remember my name anymore... I am not trying to be some sort of stalker here alright? Coincidence happens and when I saw your picture I thought “hey she looks familiar”... and then... I remembered and I decided to say it to you personally... This is not some sort of love letter just to be clear... Please do not reply even if you just want to say how stupid I am for doing this or something along those lines, I just really wanted to have no regrets or anything... I made a fuss over such a small thing but hey thats my nature and I needed to just clear my thoughts away... Now that I have said it to you... I can finally say that I have finished one of my “unfinished businesses in life”... Of course this has no effect on you whatsoever because you can easily disregard and forget that a total stranger sent you a message... but If you have read this then I am thankful to you for giving some attention/time... you have just helped someone...

Again I am not spying on you or anything, it was pure coincidence... This also is not a letter of confession... I am not asking for your pity or anything... But you have helped someone “complete a quest” like in an RPG and I thank you for that...

PLEASE DELETE THIS MESSAGE AND PLEASE DO NOT REPLY... JUST THINK OF IT AS A SPAM THAT REACHED YOUR INBOX... I WILL NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE I PROMISE YOU THAT... SORRY FOR DISTURBING YOU AND YOU WILL HEAR NO MORE FROM ME...

And oh I’m not a liar, when I said that “don’t reply” I mean it... It is not reverse psychology to start an online conversation with you or anything... I really mean it... I am not trying to be an emo guy or anything... I really mean it when I said “don’t reply”... As I have said earlier this message is for the purpose of getting some things off my chest only... I honor my words and you will not be bothered again...GOOD DAY...

Well thats my 4 years worth of repressed emotions right there... I actually feel kinda happy knowing that I did something for myself... I am cleaning out my "closet" and I believed that this one should be dealt with... Only a few more skeletons and my closet will be "okay" again...

I don't care how I come off... all I wanted was to say it... I know she won't bother with it but I can say to myself that I have at least tried...

Looks pathetic though... nevertheless I'm one step closer to solving my problems... even just the minor ones like this...

=)

A Short Respite

Its been almost a month now...

I've had a very very tough month... Every day is a struggle to stay focused on my studies... I think I am near my "boiling point"... I don't feel like going to school anymore... I only attended Monday classes and thats it... I will go back to school next Monday and hopefully by that time I have sorted out my thoughts...

I'm at my parent's house right now to "relax" a little... They know that I have problems... They always ask me "What are my problems?" but I won't tell them any... I just tell them that I have some things on my mind... things that kill me inside...

I don't feel stressed out here in the province... Maybe I'll drive a little just for fun... Maybe I'll go to the mall later to relieve me of my thoughts... I know I'm just suppressing my depression by doing some activities... School related activities cause so much stress so I decided to go back home...

I don't feel stressed out but I still don't have "inner peace"... I can't tell my parents about the things that I've done... It will most probably cause a rift in my family... I don't want that to happen to my family - it is one of the only things that I find important...

Its the first time in a month that I feel like I have nothing to worry about... I feel "fine" as of this moment but I know I'm just on borrowed time... Not everyday is like this... I'll eventually go back to school and catch up on the past lessons and double my efforts to offset my missed quizzes... Ever since my skeletons-in-the-closet resurfaced, my studies have been negatively affected... This is the longest I've been depressed... The usual ones last only a week or two but this one is already a month old and still counting...

I have lost the will to pursue a better future... I don't want to go back to school anymore... College life sucks a lot if you don't have any inspiration... I have lost my only inspiration... I know I'm just being positive, thinking that I have a chance but hell no... Reality struck and it hurts to see the truth... I can live with it though...

Had a bad day yesterday... Lost two games... I'm thinking of permanently stop playing basketball... Almost had a fight with this dude who complained... I wish the referee didn't stop us... The foolish guy thought that his "gym muscles" would scare me... I'm laughing at him thinking that this guy has no idea who he is up against... Not that I'm the best but I train martial arts (BJJ + some Muay Thai) and I can literally kick his head off or permanently destroy his limbs with a submission... Too bad though... He said sorry after our little scuffle so I let it slide... I'm the kind of person that easily forgives someone given that they say sorry or accept my apology... 

Christmas is near... My goal of being in a relationship or at least something near one before Christmas is a failure... I always knew I'd screw up... Looks like another "cold" Christmas for me...

I am doing my best to stay positive... Two more days before I see my doctor for the first time in three years... SIGHS... Dead man walking...

I have many things on my mind... but I won't let them bother me from my short "timeout"... The year is about to end... By far 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had... I really wish that I'll find someone worth living for before this year ends... So far God is the only one who has kept me going... my family also but I feel that nothing will change whether I'm dead or alive... Now if I find someone.... (I have already found her years ago but...)

Nobody really reads this stupid blog of mine... Why do I keep on updating it? I keep updating this blog because this will be my "final notes" if I indeed commit suicide... As the title suggests everything that I write here is an experience on my "Road to XuiXide"...

A Rant

Yup...

Yup... I am in deep shit alright... I just saw on wikipedia, it is a reliable source, that there is "no cure yet" for my problem, I don't want to blatantly say it on public because I feel ashamed because of it but with a little critical thinking it is very obvious from my previous posts.... Makes enough sense since damage has already been done... Now I was not shocked... I was kinda expecting it but I'll still try....

I never wanted any of this to happen to me.... I never wanted to do something like that.... SIGHS..... Sometimes life is just unfair... In a few months I'll move to my own condo unit near my university...  My parents would also start letting me drive on my own.... I now have good grades.... dean's lister actually...looks like a good life but deep inside none of those are important although I am very thankful especially to God because of those blessings...

The Little Prince is right - "The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes, but with the heart. One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

I am depriving myself of happiness of life.... I feel horrible but it feels right... This is probably my punishment...

And guess what tomorrow is Monday... SIGHS.... I hate M-W-Fs, I wrote the reason in one of my past posts... I have a lot to do this week, study wise - exams, papers, recitations, sport wise - I have 2 games this week and my body is not yet at the right condition, martial arts wise - I'll probably start training again by the end of the week... I think all of these actitivities will be enough to at least take my mind off my problems...

But just seeing her bothers me a lot... I will try to talk to her... I managed to last week before and during class but not after... I was on top of the world for a few DAMN minutes!!! But I was on the lowest point whenever I realize I can't really approach her especially after class... She was kind enought to at least respond and give me some attention to what I was saying...

SIGHS...

Coping Up

An assembly of sorts...

Early this afternoon we had an assembly of sorts. There were very good speakers and I learned a lot from them. I felt inspired to help others... here I am again being a "Good Samaritan". A Samaritan who could not even help himself... Well I was depressed the day before because of certain reasons (I posted it here.) and when I woke up - same thing...

I can't seem to connect to the world... I never wanted to cut myself to feel at ease but I have to... Back when I never knew how to use a fucking blade... I had to go through life feeling depressed... I don't want to show that side of me to other people... Its a sign of weakness. I still feel depressed (duh!) but I hide it... I only express my sadness either through a destructive way or crazy-guy way (talking to myself) when nobody is around. So if I still have those feelings and I go outside I feel chaos on my head. I am trying to show my best to others while in fact I am struggling inside. It is a hard thing to do...

Carrying over 3 weeks worth of negative and pent-up emotions, I can't really go to the aforementioned assembly of sorts... I cut myself a little on the forearm and although it hurts I feel a little better - probably because of endorphins... I used to cut on my thighs but I don't want to soil my shorts... I also learned that using 70%  isoprophyll rubbing alcohol to treat cuts hurts a lot but the tickling pain is something that actually makes me laugh...

My way of coping up with the world... How pathetic am I? I thought that this day couldn't get any worse but alas I was wrong. I hitched up with someone I consider a friend, why a friend because I've known him since nursery and we are now on the same college... I always and I mean ALWAYS wear a "mask" whenever I interact with someone but because I felt a little comfortable I was caught off guard... I, for the first time in my life, told my struggles to someone who is not a doctor. Well he basically has the same experience as me, he also never had a good time growing up but mine was worse...Fuck I even showed him my scars DAMN IT!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!! But he looked shocked for some reason... He also managed to pull 3 triggers...

Anyway I told him that what we talked in his car better stay in his DAMN car!!!

Whenever I see my "battle scars" (every day for me is a battle - if I cut I lose) I feel sorry for myself but at the same time I always think that "Go look for that fucking blade and cut yourself fool". They are not exactly that deep because I only have a tiny sharpener blade but the alcohol puts the icing on the cake... Physical pain feels good when you are experiencing social and emotional pain...

You are probably thinking right now that I am such a loser and there are people out there who have more serious problems but they manage to live normally. You might also think that I'm a wuss because the cuts don't look serious. You most likely would also be thinking that I am just your everyday "cutter emo" guy looking for attention.... I don't care what you think about me... this is the only place where I can show how I feel inside...

Oh and if you do thought of those stuff.... FUCK YOU!!! Not everyone is as strong as you...

Was I Happy Today?

I think it was a good day for the most part...

I think I have helped someone, her grandpa is sick so... Anyways, I feel fine for the most part... until I realized that I can't even help myself and here I am being the good Samaritan... I almost got what I thought I wanted but I cannot afford to lose my dignity and break my morals - its one of the only things I got left with me. I just missed something that probably will never happen again...

Got a freudian slip in class and made a fool out of myself but I'm impervious to those laughter... there is always a point where one doesnt care anymore and I have suffered more shameful stuff.

Mood is pretty even now, not really down but it always comes back at the latter part of the day. I do not feel lonely, not that I magically have some friends or so. I don't know, I actually felt happy that I helped someone but I feel pathetic that I can't even help myself, no one around me would even try.

College takes a toll on my mind and add that up with what I'm going through with the past two weeks and I feel totally burned out not by studying but by trying to stay as positive and hopeful as I can. My depression was supposedly gone a few years ago but hey ho its here laughing at my face again. And about it being gone my parents "declared" it since they saw me going to school everyday and not breaking stuff and the likes, however now that its back I don't want anyone and I mean ANYONE to know that I will go back to the doctor. I don't want my relatives to make jokes about it again!

I'm expecting another tough day tomorrow, I'll just see her again and not be able to talk because I have issues that deprives me of happiness...

I Am Not Number 4

Diary...

This past two weeks were very rough. At one moment I was very happy. I felt like I overcame some of my "obstacles" but then suddenly my mood went down drastically. I realized that I'll never improve myself. It has been 6 days now that I'm feeling depressed. It has been interrupting my studies. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor... I "googled" if there are any near my area and I was surprised to see that my former doctor also has a clinic in a nearby hospital. I have mixed emotions, for one I feel like this would help me, but I also feel hessitant because I am planning to tell everything unlike the last time. I just want to think things through but I unfortunately have classes. Everytime I come back from school I feel more depressed. There is something about seeing groups of people or at least a couple that really bothers me. I am probably just jealous and insecure... However I can't ditch classes because in college every class is important.

I saw the number of views... there are maybe a few people who can read this...

Feel free to laugh at my miserably simple problems...