9 Months

9 months worth of pain... still no gain...

Oh woe is me...

A single picture broke everything...

I need to cut my heart open and pull it out...

I don't want to feel anything anymore...

My heart is beat up...

It is already broken to pieces...

I want to die...

She doesn't even care about me...

Nobody knows the turmoil inside my head...

Nobody knows the pain I've been through...

To find your dream and to lose it...

To be happy just to be sad...

Thrown Out

To the place where I found some comfort...

I am writing this to say farewell to a place where I found people who care... I registered in SF many months ago... I was looking for a pro-suicide site when I saw SF. I was really depressed that day and I then I saw the forum... I only post in the forum if I am depressed... and I always find people who try to cheer you up... Total strangers telling me that there is hope...

Most of my posts/threads in there are about depression, loneliness, social-anxiety, school related and girl problems... but on a thread titled "Do You Have Evil Thoughts?" I posted something that led me to be depressed for almost a month up to now... I was banned forever...

That was the only place where I told my problems... That site actually helped me on one of my most suicidal moments early this year...

I want to say sorry to the people who had their bad memories brought up because of what I relayed... My problem is kinda like the source of other people's problems... I never intended to bring those back up... I also don't want to remember my bad experiences but it resurfaced...

I'm afraid that cops may bust me or something... If I ever go back to my psychiatrist should I tell her everything? Would she not dial the police and have me arrested? There is no place for me in society... And I cried when I learned that I'm banned of the forum forever... Even if I join on another site with another name, it will still be the same because I am still me... my more serious problems would never go away... I could live in isolation without any friends or anything but there are some things that I can't really shrug off...

Here are the people who have helped me most during my stay in SF: Extrasoap, windlespoons, total eclipse. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me even if its just replying to my rants or something...I wish all of you well and I'm always thankful for you guys being there for me at certain moments I need someone to talk to... My message may not reach you but I'm very thankful for all of your help... I never imagined that total strangers on the other side of the planet would be the ones who will say "Don't give up" or "You are not trash"...

Yesterday was like a bad dream... I had a rough time in school, I did not do well on my game, I realized that my hopes were false, then I got banned... These are not major problems... they are but small dots but when these dots connect they form a larger picture all portraying a very bad experience...

Where will I now seek help? I can't join another forum because it basically has the same rules/guidelines like the former one... If I pretend to be a different guy then I'm just lying to myself... I can't always hide the root of all my pain and suffering...

Its been almost a month now since my depression came back... I thought I have already "sealed" away everything and that I could enjoy my college life but no... I was wrong... its like I'm only trying to cover up the wound to temporarily stop the pain but I'm not treating the wound itself to permanently prevent the pain from coming back...

SIGHS... fuck life... I hate myself but nonetheless my miserable life goes on...

Last Post in SF

Dear fucking diary...

I am actually crying a while ago... I was just thrown off the only place where I can ask for help... Because I admitted that I was once in possession of child porn... I DON'T have any of those shit now... I realized my mistakes and my guilt and conscience kills me... Add that to the fact that I attempted to... my... own......

I was supposed to post a reply to one of the threads in that forum and this is what is says: (Good thing I copy and pasted it, so in essence this is my last post.)

Its not like I wanted it... I actually have stopped for already 2 semesters... I can say that I am "uninterested" because I don't want to hate myself even more and to think about what they are going through pains me... i am disgusted about it and disgusted of myself... And I realize its wrong because it feels wrong... The thing is I still feel guilty about it and especially because I... I have been trying so hard and it seems I can handle myself but the guilt kills me...

I never wanted to be a reminder of bad experiences... I never intended to ask for help about this... I know I deserve far worse than my feelings of depression and suicide... I mean if I were a judge I'd put a death sentence on someone like me...

I understand where people come from... Who can blame them? I wouldn't...

If I triggered something... I'm sorry... It just had to be dug from my deep memories... I only came here to ask about the usual problems like loneliness,depression, etc... but...

I hate myself more than anyone can hate me... To those who think I'm happy with this you are wrong...

@Angerfist: I know its not an excuse... Thats why I feel so much self hate because I...  I don't even know how I got to that point...Feel free to send me "hate" pms if that can relieve you or something...

@gloomy: I'm fine with my life being destroyed by this... I mean I almost destroyed somebody else's... Depriving myself of happiness (friends, self-confidence, social-interaction, etc..) is probably the only way I can somehow "pay" for my...

To those who read this and feel that I should just commit suicide to end my horrible life... I'm sorry I can't because I'll just end my suffering quickly... its like I'm cheating my way out...

And that was supposedly a reply to a thread... Before I even clicked the "send" button I have been banned... Again I'm really sorry for being a reminder of an abusive past... I don't want to hurt anyone... The guilt kills me... I hate myself...

I can't really blame all the hate replies that I got... It is really my fault anyway and I deserve worse than this...