The Need to Die

I feel the need to die...

I feel irrelevant...

I am nothing to others...

I feel null and void...

I feel like I've never existed...

I am the 0.1%...

I feel like shit...

I feel like my head is about to explode...

I am a trash of a person...

I feel like my heart is wilting from loneliness...

I feel the need to cut myself...

I am not happy...

I feel the hate and anger inside me...

I feel I need to die...

Road to Recovery

Dear blog...

Its a new year... I felt really lonely on that day... we celebrated it in a mall... Free fireworks are always good... I mean who would want to burn their own money?

We were with our relatives but I felt so lonely... There were many people who looked happy being with their loved ones but I felt different...

Its a new year... I am slowly changing my ways... I know it will be hard but I'm trying my best...

I changed the title of this blog to "Road to Recovery"... I am not contemplating suicide anymore because I have found hope that things will do get better...

A lot of things has happened... most of them for the better... Although I still feel empty inside... I feel more at peace with myself...

I'm still not 100% okay... No one is fully "okay"... everyone has a share of their own problems...

There were many events that tempted me to go back into my cycle of depression but thank God that I have somehow avoided it... I know that there will be endless events that will make me crumble but I know better now...

I feel so tempted to cut again because of some personal reasons... Its a new year and I have lost my "inspiration"...

But the point is no matter how hard things might get for me... No matter how my mind tries to break me... No matter how frequent the devil tries to "trip" me... I will not fall down easily... I will do my best to stay as positive as I can... as strong as I can...

Of course I am doing my best to be a "better" person and I'm not just relying on a promise that things will get better...

I have left my path to suicide... I never gave importance to myself back then... I never saw hope... For the first time in 5 years I feel like tomorrow is a "new day"...

I am on my road to recovery... A road that will be full of obstacles... Change is not easy... There will be a lot of hurdles but the price at the end of the road looks so rewarding that I am willing to "not take the easy way out"...

I cannot promise myself that I will not be depressed... I cannot promise that I will never feel inferior... I cannot promise that I will not feel alone and suicidal... These things will come at some point but I am "equipped" with the right tools to deal with these problems...

Happy New Year they say... I was not happy... But that does not mean I am feeling hopeless... I was sad because I felt lonely... Its only natural... Maybe I'll find happiness at the end of the "road"... or maybe on the way there...

I feel like "Hopeful New Year" is more suited for me...

My Life in Shambles

My life is crumbling to pieces...

Well as I have said before... this blog would serve as my "memoir"... and that include me putting up pictures of my cuts here...

Not that I flaunt it like some stupid emo guy... Everything here has a purpose...

I know its pretty lame...but I am saving "space"... I can only cut on my thighs and my body... I need to conserve these places for the future...

Do I really have to explain this? It is very straight forward... I hate myself...

Another straight forward message... I'm a loser...Notice that I put a " : " there because I am not only a loser... there are many things that I am, like this for example...

See... I'm saving space... I don't want to mindlessly slash myself in horizontal and vertical lines... And it has more "meaning" than just plain old cuts...

Just yesterday, my inferiority has really gone off the roof...

WARNING LOVELESS EMO RANT COMING UP:

Well I feel really down yesterday... I mean nobody really talks to me... Nobody adds me on facebook... Nobody texts me... Nobody even tries to be friendly to me... And there is this guy on the dorm that every girl seems to like... SIGHS... I feel like a total loser... No one from my dorm would even notice me... No girl has ever shown any interest in me... I am not even close with my room mates... occasional nods and smiles but thats it... Many beautiful girls reside on my dorm... triggers me everyday... I keep asking myself what does that guy have why everyone likes him? I mean well I won't even try to give compliments to myself and enumarate the good things that I have since it is worthless and futile...

Anyways, enough of this emo rant... My grades are also slipping so yeah, everything is falling apart... mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...


Christmas is coming... of course I won't be in any parties... of course no one would greet me... of course it is another cold Christmas for me...

My life is in shambles... I feel like God does not want me... Is there reason enough to live?

A Few More

SIGHS...

I don't know why I even post my stupid cuts... It looks ugly but at the same time appropriate... I mean I am very ugly person inside...

I always cut by threes (3)... I don't just cut wildly... I do it in a certain way that can easily be covered by a band-aid...

 

My cuts are really shallow... I feel pathetic... But I've changed my blade...

I cut on places not easily visible... The cut on my leg was more painful than the ones one my forearms...

The cut on my forearm easily healed... The cut on my leg was a day younger so it was more fresh as seen in the pathetic picture...

 

That was my other leg... This time I used a Gillette blade instead of my stupid-ass sharpener blade...

I also cut symmetrically... I don't know why...

 

The picture above was after I have rubbed some alcohol on it... It kept on bleeding for some time so I have to always wipe the blood with an anti-septic...

The cuts on my arms (no not muscles, shit still too small to be visible) were the most painful... I rode the train the other day and it hurt a lot whenever someone bumps at it...

Symmetry...This one was deeper than the other cut on my arm...

 

This was my last cut... It was on my right forearm...Bled a lot... My new blade does the job better...

I treat my cuts as a form of art... a self expression of my depression... I do it by threes (3) and on certain parts of my body... 

I was searching an online "market" and I saw something that fascinated me a lot... I saw a tactical folder... I believe it will do the job better than a thin razor blade... 

FUCK IT!!! This is turning into a habbit of mine... DAMN!!!

My parents saw my cuts... they were non-chalant about it though... they don't really believe that I have any problems... They think I'm just looking for attention, being emo or something...

They always ask me what are the things that bother me... but if I tell them then it would have some serious consequences...

I again end in a deep and depressed - SIGHS...

Another Day of Depression

Sighs...

I haven't been to able to go to the doctor last saturday (yesterday) because I attended a required " school talk". The doctor was already out by the time the forum was finished... I managed to tell my problems to a friend and to my parents... I never told them about my "abused becomes abuser" problem... I told them however of my self harm and some reasons for my depression, the latter I did not tell my parents... Anyway it does not feel good... Am I supposed to feel relieved if I tell someone about my problems? I never felt anything close to being relieved, in fact I only felt worse because I put my guard down...

I told my parents a while ago... my dad kinda shrugged it off at first before I talked to them seriously but they responded with the bullshit "you don't have any reason to feel like that because of you are not some beggar or something"... I just told them that it doesn't matter... They however would give me money for the doctor. Money is the only reason why I talked to them. I don't have enough to provide for it. My allowance is not enought to cover that... My sisters overheard and I feel like a total loser... I don't trust my family IDK why...

My parents looked sad especially my mother. I know that they care but they do not understand... I should have never told them because it will make them worry... It also pains me that they said that I was already fine... They thought that my first theraphy was successful because I started going back to shchool... How naive? They never noticed that there is something beneath the mask that I show them. I bowed to never tell them anything about me ever... I'll just show my happy face to them so they won't worry...

They asked me if I have friends... I said yes which is somewhat true but I was never close to anyone... just like my parents my so called "friends" buy into my "normal guy" act...They asked me if I was dumped by a girl... I said no which is also somewhat true because I never even tried to court one because I know I'll get dumped, that girl went to someone unworthy - stupid bitch. That stupid girl was from my high school days... They asked if I should have a girlfriend... I said no which is a probably a lie... but I know I have no chance to be liked by someone...

There was also someone who sent me a pm in a forum... I told her some things about like my "abuser" nature... She never replied... I also saw a thread in there about a guy who suffers the same problem as me... why he has "pedo" tendencies... his description of how he came to be is almost exactly as mine.... It started out as a social anxiety to inferior feelings to finally shifting attraction to people who are not of the same age... The point is this guy was not really welcomed even by the community... The girl who sent a pm was probably disgusted of me... so even in the internet we find no place... But who can blame them?

I know I wouldn't... I hate myself... Just cut a few minutes ago... I deserve to feel pain.... I deserve to not be helped.... I deserve to be lonely.... I don't deserve any compassion... I don't deserve to live...

Coping Up

An assembly of sorts...

Early this afternoon we had an assembly of sorts. There were very good speakers and I learned a lot from them. I felt inspired to help others... here I am again being a "Good Samaritan". A Samaritan who could not even help himself... Well I was depressed the day before because of certain reasons (I posted it here.) and when I woke up - same thing...

I can't seem to connect to the world... I never wanted to cut myself to feel at ease but I have to... Back when I never knew how to use a fucking blade... I had to go through life feeling depressed... I don't want to show that side of me to other people... Its a sign of weakness. I still feel depressed (duh!) but I hide it... I only express my sadness either through a destructive way or crazy-guy way (talking to myself) when nobody is around. So if I still have those feelings and I go outside I feel chaos on my head. I am trying to show my best to others while in fact I am struggling inside. It is a hard thing to do...

Carrying over 3 weeks worth of negative and pent-up emotions, I can't really go to the aforementioned assembly of sorts... I cut myself a little on the forearm and although it hurts I feel a little better - probably because of endorphins... I used to cut on my thighs but I don't want to soil my shorts... I also learned that using 70%  isoprophyll rubbing alcohol to treat cuts hurts a lot but the tickling pain is something that actually makes me laugh...

My way of coping up with the world... How pathetic am I? I thought that this day couldn't get any worse but alas I was wrong. I hitched up with someone I consider a friend, why a friend because I've known him since nursery and we are now on the same college... I always and I mean ALWAYS wear a "mask" whenever I interact with someone but because I felt a little comfortable I was caught off guard... I, for the first time in my life, told my struggles to someone who is not a doctor. Well he basically has the same experience as me, he also never had a good time growing up but mine was worse...Fuck I even showed him my scars DAMN IT!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!! But he looked shocked for some reason... He also managed to pull 3 triggers...

Anyway I told him that what we talked in his car better stay in his DAMN car!!!

Whenever I see my "battle scars" (every day for me is a battle - if I cut I lose) I feel sorry for myself but at the same time I always think that "Go look for that fucking blade and cut yourself fool". They are not exactly that deep because I only have a tiny sharpener blade but the alcohol puts the icing on the cake... Physical pain feels good when you are experiencing social and emotional pain...

You are probably thinking right now that I am such a loser and there are people out there who have more serious problems but they manage to live normally. You might also think that I'm a wuss because the cuts don't look serious. You most likely would also be thinking that I am just your everyday "cutter emo" guy looking for attention.... I don't care what you think about me... this is the only place where I can show how I feel inside...

Oh and if you do thought of those stuff.... FUCK YOU!!! Not everyone is as strong as you...