Life is Equal But it's Unfair.

I know I'm being selfish by wanting her to also like me but anyone who has ever liked someone also wishes that their feelings be reciprocated... Is it too much to ask? While her happiness must always come first I can't help but feel not contented by only being a friend... but it seems that she is already happy with her life and I'm only a friend if indeed I am considered one... if in me a friend she needs then I'll stay that way and hide these wretched feelings of mine... but at the end of the day all I could do is force a smile to say that "hey at least were friends"... She shouldn't have been kind to me in the first place... She shouldn't have made me felt happy... She should have just ignored me from the beginning... Who am I kidding? I have become too emotionally attached that moving on is not an option... Should I stay by her side as a friend, I'm being a fool who exchanges his happiness for other's sake...

To Greener Pastures

I can finally smile without any hindrances after a very long time...

I used to think that I was over it a few months ago when I "accepted" the fact that my love cannot be returned... 

I used to think that we were close friends... but maybe that's not really the case... we'll see in the upcoming days... I only need to talk to her once to have some sort of closure (no I will not reveal my true feelings)...

I used to think that I was way way better than her current boyfriend... but all is fair in love and war... Although from an objective point of view I am "better" in many ways well... to each his/her own due...

I am not saying that she does not deserve my time nor vice versa... I am also not saying that she made the wrong decision...

I am not the right man for her and she is not the right girl for me... Not that there is anything wrong with the both of us... Sometimes people just don't see each other in the same light...

I am not insecure just because someone who I consider is "lesser" than me got her... I am not saying that I'm better I am just articulating the fact that she already had someone even before I met her...

It is actually me who is at fault here because I tried to take someone already taken... But meh... after 8 months of depression and hope, the bittersweet feeling is now gone... Not that I hate her... I just happened to realize the fact I deserve better than my current situation with her...

I'm not angry... I'm not sad... I'm not bitter... I am however thankful to the Lord for making me realize and see that there is more to life than a single girl...

My guidance counselor told me that to be likeable one must like himself first... not the other way around which was my train of thought...

Now I don't need anyone's approval... I like myself whether you like me or not... whether no one likes me or not... I like myself regardless of my dark past... regardless of my secrets... I approve of myself regardless of my flaws... 

You ask why? Because God loves me the way I am and I like myself the way I am... This however does not mean that I won't try to fix myself... I will continue to fix my problems... I will continue to change my negative perspective about life and everything else...

Diamonds are formed because of pressure...

I will continue to grow as a person... I will be beautiful inside... I'm not saying that I am not but what I'm trying to point out is that I will be BETTER!!!

I know the problems won't stop... There will come a time where I will be down and out again... but after 10 long years of being down I have always found a way to stand back up again thanks to God...

I can finally smile... No matter how many times I see her I will not feel the pain anymore for I have moved on to greener pastures...

I have a few more months to be a better person... Come November 2 and I am still in the same shit hole then

I will eventually have to end my life... But I'm putting up a good fight... 

I have taken the first few steps to be better... 

- Letting go of my past...

- Accepting that my love can't be returned not that there is anything wrong with me or her...

- Finally staying positive that I can somehow be a better person before November 2...

Well how about that I think a few more steps and I maybe out of my misery haha =)

My inspiration is myself... My source of willpower to be inspired to help myself is God.

The Need to Die

I feel the need to die...

I feel irrelevant...

I am nothing to others...

I feel null and void...

I feel like I've never existed...

I am the 0.1%...

I feel like shit...

I feel like my head is about to explode...

I am a trash of a person...

I feel like my heart is wilting from loneliness...

I feel the need to cut myself...

I am not happy...

I feel the hate and anger inside me...

I feel I need to die...

Road to Recovery

Dear blog...

Its a new year... I felt really lonely on that day... we celebrated it in a mall... Free fireworks are always good... I mean who would want to burn their own money?

We were with our relatives but I felt so lonely... There were many people who looked happy being with their loved ones but I felt different...

Its a new year... I am slowly changing my ways... I know it will be hard but I'm trying my best...

I changed the title of this blog to "Road to Recovery"... I am not contemplating suicide anymore because I have found hope that things will do get better...

A lot of things has happened... most of them for the better... Although I still feel empty inside... I feel more at peace with myself...

I'm still not 100% okay... No one is fully "okay"... everyone has a share of their own problems...

There were many events that tempted me to go back into my cycle of depression but thank God that I have somehow avoided it... I know that there will be endless events that will make me crumble but I know better now...

I feel so tempted to cut again because of some personal reasons... Its a new year and I have lost my "inspiration"...

But the point is no matter how hard things might get for me... No matter how my mind tries to break me... No matter how frequent the devil tries to "trip" me... I will not fall down easily... I will do my best to stay as positive as I can... as strong as I can...

Of course I am doing my best to be a "better" person and I'm not just relying on a promise that things will get better...

I have left my path to suicide... I never gave importance to myself back then... I never saw hope... For the first time in 5 years I feel like tomorrow is a "new day"...

I am on my road to recovery... A road that will be full of obstacles... Change is not easy... There will be a lot of hurdles but the price at the end of the road looks so rewarding that I am willing to "not take the easy way out"...

I cannot promise myself that I will not be depressed... I cannot promise that I will never feel inferior... I cannot promise that I will not feel alone and suicidal... These things will come at some point but I am "equipped" with the right tools to deal with these problems...

Happy New Year they say... I was not happy... But that does not mean I am feeling hopeless... I was sad because I felt lonely... Its only natural... Maybe I'll find happiness at the end of the "road"... or maybe on the way there...

I feel like "Hopeful New Year" is more suited for me...

Death Around The Corner

3 more days before Christmas break begins...

Ahhh.... the time for Christmas parties, gift giving and all that other bullshit...

Fuck damn it... damn it... Life can't get lonelier than this...

I have been somehow "invited" to three Christmas parties... I don't know if I'll go... I don't drink (sensei says no) and I'm a boring person...

I'll just give my gift to this classmate of mine... I happened to pick his name so... I'm not expecting to receive a gift... long story short... I picked my name first, lost my pick, then I repicked... so I'll give something to someone out of conformity...

I've been all over the internet looking for articles on how to deal with my social anxiety... but I feel down everytime I read one... I can't do any of those...

How to talk to girls this that bullshit, how to be outgoing and all that crap... none of those help me... I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy but there will always be a time when hobbies cannot contain loneliness anymore...

Oh dear... I am in big trouble, I have an exam on Friday and a paper to pass and I haven't done anything yet... Damn it... this depression of mine is really a pain in the ass...

I've emailed the guidance office of my school... so far no replies... I have posted my "plea for help" on yahoo answers for a broader audience but again no replies... Damn it...

Loneliness + being intentionally ignored = really fucked "down" mood...

Sighs...

I feel like death is just around the corner... not Christmas not New Year not any fucking social event...

I don't feel anything at all anymore... I am just consumed by my self-hatred and loneliness...

I don't even know if I love myself anymore... its dwindling every day... I mean how can I  "forgive" myself if I am somehow a child molester? How can I forgive myself for being inadequate and incapable of being a normal guy? How can I forgive myself for wasting all my life moping like an emo bitch? How can I forgive myself for being a loser?

Keeping my cool is hard... My will to live is slowly being drained out... I don't even care about my hobbies anymore... I don't care about my family and (friends?)...

Sighs... so much to do in so little time with so little energy left...

A Few More Before I Reach My Destination

Holding on is becoming harder and harder...

I have made a stupid poem as some sort of a summary of my problems... some sort of a compilation of all my emotions...

Now that I have learned that there is no help for me out there... Now that I realized that in the end I cannot solve my problems... Now that I have accepted that I will never be accepted...

I made a poem... I only planned to put it in here during the times on which suicide is the only reasonable option left for me...And now is the time... After the thought of a thereaphist would report me finally sunk in... I am now lost... completely lost...

Even God, whom for years I've believed will help me, now has abandoned me...Oh dear... Sighs...

Well here is my poem... I know it is ugly but hey my life is ugly anyway...

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My cry

By the_unknown

I cry when I hear laughter.

I know I’m just being bitter.

I cry when I see people together.

These people I want to slaughter.

I cry when I see brotherhood.

Loneliness for years I’ve withstood.

I cry when I see a girl pass by.

I feel that my heart will die.

I cry because no one will know.

The things I’ve done should never show.

I cry for I cannot commit something.

Suicide and the happiness to me it will bring.

I cry to God I’m sorry for being bad.

Peace of mind I never had.

I’m truly sorry for the bad I’ve done to everyone.

Pills, heights, a knife, or a gun?

Nobody even heard my cry.

Now it’s time for me to die, my last goodbye.

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How about that? I think it sums up my problems pretty well... I don't feel like I can last long enough...

Christmas is coming... what better gift to give myself than to end all of my suffering right?

I can only take so much... And to think I can never fully get some help...

I would be lying to myself if I won't tell a doctor about all the things I've done... Its not as serious as Sandusky's but still...

Oh dear... Oh dear... I'm having a really hard time trying to feel composed here...

Sighs...

Wow Just Wow

GOD DAMN IT!!!

My only remaining source of "hope" is now gone... Wow just wow!

I would have to live my life feeling like this... I learned that if I confess of my pedophilia and the things I've done I will be reported by my theraphist to the police... Just how can it get any worse than this?

I have always thought that a theraphist would be able to help me but no... Damn it...

How can You do this to me?! Are You happy now?

When I thought things couldn't get any worse... now knowing that I can not go ask for professional help...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

If I would be put to jail for child molestation, it will only add another lifelong scar to my list...

There is no way out of this mess... GOD HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!??

Well more reason for me to commit suicide then... I have no place anymore to ask for help... and HELL NO GOD IS NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!

God never really helps me on hard times... enough of the stupid verses... enough of the "Footprints in the Sand"... I really wanted to get some professional help and now this happens!

What am I supposed to do? I'm shattered right now... my only ray of hope now gone...

Is this part of God's plan for me to turn to him?  I HAVE BEEN TURNING TO HIM ALL THIS TIME BUT LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME?

Sighs... I'm lost right now... really really lost...

I can't live like this forever... and now that help is not an option... there is only one option left... suicide...

I feel like this blog is coming to an end... It has been a wild ride but I feel like I'm nearing my destination...

What should I do now? Clearly I'm left with no choice...

Maybe God Hates Me

I just want to fucking kill somebody... that somebody is me...

My life (which cannot be considered a "life") is slowly starting to crumble... Everything is falling apart...

I prayed to God yesterday to answer my question: "God do you want me to commit suicide?"... I mean I find the reason to do so everyday...

Then I got the answer (or I think it was an answer) early this morning as I was reading something for our Theology class...

I read something about Adam needing Eve... I read something about "love"... I read something about finding the other one... I read about that a person finds "completeness" with the other... I also read that it is completely wrong to shun the world because it is God's gift for us... And I also read that God made us to be "loving" beings... I will explain everything later...

Early this morning I typed on Google "God hates me"... then I saw one on Yahoo Answers... The guy who asked has problems (duh!) and so he thought that God hates him...

This was the "Best Answer" chosen by the asker:

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"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son ... "

Jesus said "It rains on the just and the unjust alike."

But because God doesn't hate you (in fact He LOVES you), He sent Jesus to die for your sins so you wouldn't have to face the Judge after you die.

Before you start talking about what God hasn't done for you, start with what He HAS done, and respond to that, first, and then take it from there, one step at a time. Jesus said, "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, and ALL these (other) things (that you need) will be added to you."

You can't complain about God not intervening in your life if you have pushed Him away, so the first step is (as I already stated), ask God to forgive you (based on the fact that Jesus died for your sins, in your place and then rose again the morning of the third day), repent (turn your back on) your sins and your old way of life, living ultimately for your self, and allow Jesus to be the Lord (boss) of your life.

Until you take that first step, you're still pushing God away, and as long as you continue to push God away, there's nothing at all God can do. He is, after all, a gentleman and won't force Himself on you. (That would be tantamount to "spiritual rape"). He said, "Behold, I stand at the door (of your heart) and knock. If any one will open (his heart) to me, I will come in and live with him, and he with me."

He said in His Word, "The ear of the Lord is not heavy that He can not hear you, nor is his arms shortened that He can not reach you, but your own sins have made a separation between you and God."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What about that? I have done all of what I needed to do for God to help me but then what?

I have prayed countless of times for forgiveness... I have tried my best to repent from my sins... I have done quite well, if I might say, to not turn back to doing the things I've done... I always pray that "God just please take control of my life"... I have given Him the "wheel" to control and guide my life... I have asked many many times that He help me get out of this mess... But what has He done?

I need His help the most right now... but I never got any help... Instead of helping me get back up, He always tries His best to put me down... In every single way that He can, God gives me enough reason to feel depressed and down...

Now why do I blame God for every bit of misfortune that has happened to me? Well its simple really, I always pray for help and instead of being "uplifted" I always feel down at the end of the day... I get the exact opposite of what I pray for...

I suddenly remembered about Footprints in the Sand as I am typing this:

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Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

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Quite a contradiction to what I have been rambling earlier... So this past month was the time that I only see one set of footprints because Jesus was carrying me? But why does God need to carry me if He could easily just give me the strenght to walk? Why do I need to suffer if God could just help me out in the first place...

As I've said earlier... I fully believe that I have done everything I could to ask for God's help... I let Him take control of my life but nothing has happened so far? I also tried my best to help myself but to no avail...

Maybe God just wants me to commit suicide... He says He "helps" me but I don't see any help... He makes me remember all these "verses" that should help me continue to hold on... but at the end of the day He puts me back down again...

Or maybe its the devil who puts me down? But if thats the case then why does God let the devil destroy me?

God or the devil, whoever tries to put me down... I came to one conclusion.... I clearly do not belong to this world because apparently God does not want me here...

Do I not receive God's protection and blessings because I haven't gone to church for 6 years now? The only reason I stopped going to church is because of my social anxiety... I left church but I kept my faith... Through hard times Jesus is the only one I have... but I could take only so much pain...

In connection to what I've read on theology...  If the world is God's gift to man... If man was made to love a woman... If we are to find "fulness" in the other person... Then why have I not received / experienced any of them... The obvious reason was that God never intended me to experience about those things... He wants me to just I don't know maybe kill myself or live my life with full of suffering...

I think God finds amusement to my misery and probably to other person's as well... It was explicitly stated that suicide is a sin... so its like I have no choice but to duke it out with this life of mine... No easy way out... I have to live with all this pain and anger througout my whole life... and the means for this to be over is by natural or accidental death...

To sum everything up as to why God hates me:

- God never intended me to enjoy this world and all the things that it can give me like love from fellow humans, especially from an "Eve" for example.

- God always puts me down... well if He is not the one who puts me down... He still does not give me enough help or protection from being put down by external forces.

- I have turned everything down that is of this world. I have put God above all else but I still don't get any help. I might get some blessings (and I'm thanful) but I don't get the important things in life.

- If humans are intended to be social creatures, then why was I not given the capacity to be socialble? Should I just had been in a relationship I would have never developed a paraphilia. Should I just had any sort of social skill then I would not have to be like this.

- And last but not the least... I could say that God hates me or at the very least neglects me because after all He has done for me like saving me from appendicitis (one more day and I would have died so said the surgeon), saving me from a truck (the truck literally flew in front of me), saving me from a serious fever when I was a child (I was literally black and blue)... after all that He has done for me... He now does not even give any attention to my prayers...It was like a plan in the making to make me feel that He loves me only for me to find out that all of that was just a front to hurt me now on my lowest point in my life...

Its hard to explain everything as English is not my first language but deep inside my prayer was answered.

"God do you want me to commit suicide?"

I got the answer...

It was a "eureka" moment... Even God does not want me alive...

Regret

Fuck...

I'm just being an emo guy a while ago... The thing is I knew it was a bad idea but I pushed through... Ever since I decided to do something about my problems everything just falls apart...I want to die...

The problem was so simple yet it had a big effect one me... Its not just about me looking like a fool by sending that message... No, it was something else...

Because I have been depressed since the 2nd of November (which also happens to be my birthday)... Every little failure is a big thing for me... Even small mistakes do not help when you are already at the lowest point in your life so far...

Sighs... I wish I could turn back time...turn it back to kill myself when I was a baby... I know I'm all words and no action about suicide but I really want it...

I'm a coward, I'm afraid to kill myself... I'm afraid to solve my problems... Yeah just laugh... Laugh at me for being a sissy... Laugh at me for always saying suicide this suicide that but I can't act on it...

I blame my parents for raising me as a Christian... I, to some extent, also blame God for reminding me of some stupid verse...If I were not a Christian I would have definitely ended my stupid life a few years ago...

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I have some sort of plaque on my room that has that damn verse written on it... My father bought it... I'm thinking that God made me a Christian and made me encounter this verse so that at times like this I can hold on... Maybe it was His plan to give me some sort of "Biblical support"...

However, I do not appreciate it... I don't want to just always "hold on"... NO I want to solve my problems... I've been praying for the last 5 years!!! All I got is some sort of verse to cling unto and not the means to solve my problems...

Its hard to explain but I feel like God is neglecting me... instead of helping me out He just gives me some sort of lifeline which is only useable whenever I'm in deep shit... Why does He always bring me down to my knees then help me get back up with some stupid verse and then just put me back down on my knees again??!!

FUCK IT!!! And I have a Theology exam tomorrow!!! How am I supposed to understand God's love if He only helps those who are good??? I mean I did some bad bad things and this is what I get... I understand that but still...

I can't hold on any longer... If I continue like this for a few more days, my brain would explode...

I just want to live a normal life... is it too great of a request to ask dear Lord? Am I not supposed to have a normal, happy life because I am a pedophile???

PUTANG INA!!!

No more... no more...

My Inner Bully: You are a piece of trash you know that? You are a pathetic loser!!! You don't deserve to live... You don't deserve to be happy!!!

My Conscience: You did a bad thing... No wonder bad things happen to you right now...

My Christian Side: No you must hold on... because the Lord said this because the Lord said that...

My Inner Bully: Fuck you!!! Just die fool!!! Nobody wants you in this world!!!

Me: I can't die yet because My Christian Side told me not to...

My Conscience: How can you repent for your sins??? If you just commit suicide then you can pay for it in hell... God also does not really want you in Heaven...

My Inner Bully: Your life is all the proof that you need to see that you need to kill yourself right now!!!

My Conscience: Yeah he is right... just jump off the rail road or something...

And then My Christian Side interferes again... and the cycle goes on...

Everyday its like this... Everyday I have to fight against these things on my mind... Every FUCKING DAY!!!

I should have never even opened a Facebook account... I knew that it will only give me more problems...

SIGHS... I feel so angry, I feel so down, I feel so much pain, I feel so tired, I just want to rest...

My respites don't last too long... School week haven't even started and I'm already out of energy and willpower...

I just want to live a normal life just like most people... I just want to enjoy my teenage years... I just want to feel wanted... I just want to forget everything about me... Well most of the things I want I can never get... to sum it all up I just want to die...

Lord Please Just Take Me Away

FUCK!!!

GOD DAMN IT!!! I thought I was on the right track but then then.... GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!! I AM TYPING THIS SHIT ON ONE OF MY VIOLENT OUTBURSTS!!!

Ayoko nang mabuhay!!! Suko na ako... God just please take me away... I don't want to fucking live anymore!!!

All because of a very simple thing!!! GAH!!! PUTANG INA!!!

This guy on a forum told me that it was good... but then another guy said it is bad... I knew it... It was a very very bad idea for me to confront one of my issues... I know I can't do it yet I tried...

DAMN!!! Thank God for that fucking blade!!! Putang INA!!!

I have an exam tomorrow and I've read this and now I can't focus... It will take a few more days to at least calm down...

I thought and felt a while ago that I was near on getting back to my normal state but now my mood has gone down so fast in a few a seconds...

Back to square one.... I'm FUCKING SCREAMING LIKE A BITCH AT MY DORM... FUCK!!!

I feel like a total loser!!! DAMN!!! I don't wanna live anymore!!! Good thing my room mate is not here... I could freely do anything I want!!! DAMN!!! My room smells like blood and alcohol... it wreaks in here...

I've made up my mind... Once I got the prescription / authorization from a doctor that I could buy some anti-depressants from a drugstore... I will OD myself to death...

If I somehow manage to fucking hold on then laugh at me for being a pussy... I will of course continue to "bully" myself because I can't even END MY PATHETIC SORRY EXCUSE FOR A LIFE!!!

SIGHS... I feel a little relieved... whew...

A Short Respite

Its been almost a month now...

I've had a very very tough month... Every day is a struggle to stay focused on my studies... I think I am near my "boiling point"... I don't feel like going to school anymore... I only attended Monday classes and thats it... I will go back to school next Monday and hopefully by that time I have sorted out my thoughts...

I'm at my parent's house right now to "relax" a little... They know that I have problems... They always ask me "What are my problems?" but I won't tell them any... I just tell them that I have some things on my mind... things that kill me inside...

I don't feel stressed out here in the province... Maybe I'll drive a little just for fun... Maybe I'll go to the mall later to relieve me of my thoughts... I know I'm just suppressing my depression by doing some activities... School related activities cause so much stress so I decided to go back home...

I don't feel stressed out but I still don't have "inner peace"... I can't tell my parents about the things that I've done... It will most probably cause a rift in my family... I don't want that to happen to my family - it is one of the only things that I find important...

Its the first time in a month that I feel like I have nothing to worry about... I feel "fine" as of this moment but I know I'm just on borrowed time... Not everyday is like this... I'll eventually go back to school and catch up on the past lessons and double my efforts to offset my missed quizzes... Ever since my skeletons-in-the-closet resurfaced, my studies have been negatively affected... This is the longest I've been depressed... The usual ones last only a week or two but this one is already a month old and still counting...

I have lost the will to pursue a better future... I don't want to go back to school anymore... College life sucks a lot if you don't have any inspiration... I have lost my only inspiration... I know I'm just being positive, thinking that I have a chance but hell no... Reality struck and it hurts to see the truth... I can live with it though...

Had a bad day yesterday... Lost two games... I'm thinking of permanently stop playing basketball... Almost had a fight with this dude who complained... I wish the referee didn't stop us... The foolish guy thought that his "gym muscles" would scare me... I'm laughing at him thinking that this guy has no idea who he is up against... Not that I'm the best but I train martial arts (BJJ + some Muay Thai) and I can literally kick his head off or permanently destroy his limbs with a submission... Too bad though... He said sorry after our little scuffle so I let it slide... I'm the kind of person that easily forgives someone given that they say sorry or accept my apology... 

Christmas is near... My goal of being in a relationship or at least something near one before Christmas is a failure... I always knew I'd screw up... Looks like another "cold" Christmas for me...

I am doing my best to stay positive... Two more days before I see my doctor for the first time in three years... SIGHS... Dead man walking...

I have many things on my mind... but I won't let them bother me from my short "timeout"... The year is about to end... By far 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had... I really wish that I'll find someone worth living for before this year ends... So far God is the only one who has kept me going... my family also but I feel that nothing will change whether I'm dead or alive... Now if I find someone.... (I have already found her years ago but...)

Nobody really reads this stupid blog of mine... Why do I keep on updating it? I keep updating this blog because this will be my "final notes" if I indeed commit suicide... As the title suggests everything that I write here is an experience on my "Road to XuiXide"...

Thrown Out

To the place where I found some comfort...

I am writing this to say farewell to a place where I found people who care... I registered in SF many months ago... I was looking for a pro-suicide site when I saw SF. I was really depressed that day and I then I saw the forum... I only post in the forum if I am depressed... and I always find people who try to cheer you up... Total strangers telling me that there is hope...

Most of my posts/threads in there are about depression, loneliness, social-anxiety, school related and girl problems... but on a thread titled "Do You Have Evil Thoughts?" I posted something that led me to be depressed for almost a month up to now... I was banned forever...

That was the only place where I told my problems... That site actually helped me on one of my most suicidal moments early this year...

I want to say sorry to the people who had their bad memories brought up because of what I relayed... My problem is kinda like the source of other people's problems... I never intended to bring those back up... I also don't want to remember my bad experiences but it resurfaced...

I'm afraid that cops may bust me or something... If I ever go back to my psychiatrist should I tell her everything? Would she not dial the police and have me arrested? There is no place for me in society... And I cried when I learned that I'm banned of the forum forever... Even if I join on another site with another name, it will still be the same because I am still me... my more serious problems would never go away... I could live in isolation without any friends or anything but there are some things that I can't really shrug off...

Here are the people who have helped me most during my stay in SF: Extrasoap, windlespoons, total eclipse. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me even if its just replying to my rants or something...I wish all of you well and I'm always thankful for you guys being there for me at certain moments I need someone to talk to... My message may not reach you but I'm very thankful for all of your help... I never imagined that total strangers on the other side of the planet would be the ones who will say "Don't give up" or "You are not trash"...

Yesterday was like a bad dream... I had a rough time in school, I did not do well on my game, I realized that my hopes were false, then I got banned... These are not major problems... they are but small dots but when these dots connect they form a larger picture all portraying a very bad experience...

Where will I now seek help? I can't join another forum because it basically has the same rules/guidelines like the former one... If I pretend to be a different guy then I'm just lying to myself... I can't always hide the root of all my pain and suffering...

Its been almost a month now since my depression came back... I thought I have already "sealed" away everything and that I could enjoy my college life but no... I was wrong... its like I'm only trying to cover up the wound to temporarily stop the pain but I'm not treating the wound itself to permanently prevent the pain from coming back...

SIGHS... fuck life... I hate myself but nonetheless my miserable life goes on...

Last Post in SF

Dear fucking diary...

I am actually crying a while ago... I was just thrown off the only place where I can ask for help... Because I admitted that I was once in possession of child porn... I DON'T have any of those shit now... I realized my mistakes and my guilt and conscience kills me... Add that to the fact that I attempted to... my... own......

I was supposed to post a reply to one of the threads in that forum and this is what is says: (Good thing I copy and pasted it, so in essence this is my last post.)

Its not like I wanted it... I actually have stopped for already 2 semesters... I can say that I am "uninterested" because I don't want to hate myself even more and to think about what they are going through pains me... i am disgusted about it and disgusted of myself... And I realize its wrong because it feels wrong... The thing is I still feel guilty about it and especially because I... I have been trying so hard and it seems I can handle myself but the guilt kills me...

I never wanted to be a reminder of bad experiences... I never intended to ask for help about this... I know I deserve far worse than my feelings of depression and suicide... I mean if I were a judge I'd put a death sentence on someone like me...

I understand where people come from... Who can blame them? I wouldn't...

If I triggered something... I'm sorry... It just had to be dug from my deep memories... I only came here to ask about the usual problems like loneliness,depression, etc... but...

I hate myself more than anyone can hate me... To those who think I'm happy with this you are wrong...

@Angerfist: I know its not an excuse... Thats why I feel so much self hate because I...  I don't even know how I got to that point...Feel free to send me "hate" pms if that can relieve you or something...

@gloomy: I'm fine with my life being destroyed by this... I mean I almost destroyed somebody else's... Depriving myself of happiness (friends, self-confidence, social-interaction, etc..) is probably the only way I can somehow "pay" for my...

To those who read this and feel that I should just commit suicide to end my horrible life... I'm sorry I can't because I'll just end my suffering quickly... its like I'm cheating my way out...

And that was supposedly a reply to a thread... Before I even clicked the "send" button I have been banned... Again I'm really sorry for being a reminder of an abusive past... I don't want to hurt anyone... The guilt kills me... I hate myself...

I can't really blame all the hate replies that I got... It is really my fault anyway and I deserve worse than this...

Day 1

My first diary... is about:

Me seeing the reality that no one would like me. Me waking up in a dream where I thought that I can have someone. I really like her smile. It is really painful to see another person who I think could make me happy just pass by. Hey I don't blame them... who would like me anyway? I can only look at them from afar and be happy that at least I saw a beautiful person.

I gave myself up to 20 years old. When I reach 20 and I still have not found a way to make me likeable, I'll truly push through the last step. Its a plan I made 3 years ago when i was still 15. The best time would be the day before I graduate. People would be shocked, those who don't know me would think that I wasted my life but no it was already null even before I ended it. Of course I'm doing my best to at least gain confidence... I train and study hard but to no avail. I'm now a dean's lister, I did my best to have a fit body but still... I'm not ugly realistically speaking, I also have a fairly good life. I have no vices but why would no one...

God gives us blessings, I'm thankful for what I have but why is love something I can't receive? I feel really lonely and sad. This body and life would have been used properly by a better soul... I would just hurt myself later, I'll make my emotions pile up first before I release it through my blade.