Life is Equal But it's Unfair.

I know I'm being selfish by wanting her to also like me but anyone who has ever liked someone also wishes that their feelings be reciprocated... Is it too much to ask? While her happiness must always come first I can't help but feel not contented by only being a friend... but it seems that she is already happy with her life and I'm only a friend if indeed I am considered one... if in me a friend she needs then I'll stay that way and hide these wretched feelings of mine... but at the end of the day all I could do is force a smile to say that "hey at least were friends"... She shouldn't have been kind to me in the first place... She shouldn't have made me felt happy... She should have just ignored me from the beginning... Who am I kidding? I have become too emotionally attached that moving on is not an option... Should I stay by her side as a friend, I'm being a fool who exchanges his happiness for other's sake...

I Hope It Never Ends...

The last few days have been very beautiful... I've never felt so at peace before...

Probably the fact that letting go of certain hurtful things really did take a load off my chest...

I could smile, I could laugh, I could be happy...

I hope it stays like this forever...

Been training in Muay Thai and BJJ as well... Finally got my 1st stripe in BJJ but I need to work more on my Muay Thai if I want to transition well to MMA...

And oh I will have lunch with her, as a friend take note, in two days... Well I can be myself more because I know that I can never have her so I don't need to act to stiff and prompt just to impress her or something along those lines...

As a friend... yes only a friend but a friend nonetheless... I'm not sad nor disappointed... I'm actually happy this way...

I also have gotten the application form for a college organization that I hope can change me and my perspectives about the world, about other people, and about myself as well...

Life is good...

In addition to Battlefield of the Mind I'm also reading another book entitled "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and you know what these two books have been really helpful to me...

Ahhh praise God that life is good... But in case one day I get depressed again... then PRAISE GOD for even if the fig tree does not bear fruit I shall rejoice in the Lord!!!

To Greener Pastures

I can finally smile without any hindrances after a very long time...

I used to think that I was over it a few months ago when I "accepted" the fact that my love cannot be returned... 

I used to think that we were close friends... but maybe that's not really the case... we'll see in the upcoming days... I only need to talk to her once to have some sort of closure (no I will not reveal my true feelings)...

I used to think that I was way way better than her current boyfriend... but all is fair in love and war... Although from an objective point of view I am "better" in many ways well... to each his/her own due...

I am not saying that she does not deserve my time nor vice versa... I am also not saying that she made the wrong decision...

I am not the right man for her and she is not the right girl for me... Not that there is anything wrong with the both of us... Sometimes people just don't see each other in the same light...

I am not insecure just because someone who I consider is "lesser" than me got her... I am not saying that I'm better I am just articulating the fact that she already had someone even before I met her...

It is actually me who is at fault here because I tried to take someone already taken... But meh... after 8 months of depression and hope, the bittersweet feeling is now gone... Not that I hate her... I just happened to realize the fact I deserve better than my current situation with her...

I'm not angry... I'm not sad... I'm not bitter... I am however thankful to the Lord for making me realize and see that there is more to life than a single girl...

My guidance counselor told me that to be likeable one must like himself first... not the other way around which was my train of thought...

Now I don't need anyone's approval... I like myself whether you like me or not... whether no one likes me or not... I like myself regardless of my dark past... regardless of my secrets... I approve of myself regardless of my flaws... 

You ask why? Because God loves me the way I am and I like myself the way I am... This however does not mean that I won't try to fix myself... I will continue to fix my problems... I will continue to change my negative perspective about life and everything else...

Diamonds are formed because of pressure...

I will continue to grow as a person... I will be beautiful inside... I'm not saying that I am not but what I'm trying to point out is that I will be BETTER!!!

I know the problems won't stop... There will come a time where I will be down and out again... but after 10 long years of being down I have always found a way to stand back up again thanks to God...

I can finally smile... No matter how many times I see her I will not feel the pain anymore for I have moved on to greener pastures...

I have a few more months to be a better person... Come November 2 and I am still in the same shit hole then

I will eventually have to end my life... But I'm putting up a good fight... 

I have taken the first few steps to be better... 

- Letting go of my past...

- Accepting that my love can't be returned not that there is anything wrong with me or her...

- Finally staying positive that I can somehow be a better person before November 2...

Well how about that I think a few more steps and I maybe out of my misery haha =)

My inspiration is myself... My source of willpower to be inspired to help myself is God.

Tomorrow's Trigger

Whew as a tough day of training will come to an end... I must face another tough day tomorrow but this time it has nothing to do with the physical but with the mental and the emotional...

I don't need to explain it in detail but to sum it up I know I will be depressed tomorrow because of two things...

Quite funny that I have to choose one or the other for the reason of me being depressed tomorrow haha...

1.) If I see the my trigger I know I will be depressed as shit...

2.) If I don't see my trigger I will surely be depressed as well since I will be missing her...

I just can't get her off my fucking mind!!!

 I'm already physically worn out and having to deal with shit isn't doing any good to my overall health...

Well at least I will get to see one of the school's guidance counselor, I can explain to him the shit I've been feeling...

I've been writing a lot about this loveless emo shit but hey this is the only place where I get to vent it out...

Sighs... All I could do is to sigh... Sighs.... I just can't accept the fact that...

Maybe there is something wrong with me... There must be...

Maybe telling her about my self turned her off... I knew it!!!

The moment I let my guard down and told her what the fucking hell happened to me growing up surely must have scared her off... Fuck life... Nobody would be interested in a victim and "victimizer"...

Seems that no one can accept me for being who I am... Having a dark past and all that shit... I never should have opened up to her... I know I don't have any swagger on but hey this is who I am...

All she does to me is make me feel like a total loser, a total trash, a reject of society...

All because of my stupid past, my stupid experiences... damn fuck!!!

At the end of the day I still am an island...

The Need to Die

I feel the need to die...

I feel irrelevant...

I am nothing to others...

I feel null and void...

I feel like I've never existed...

I am the 0.1%...

I feel like shit...

I feel like my head is about to explode...

I am a trash of a person...

I feel like my heart is wilting from loneliness...

I feel the need to cut myself...

I am not happy...

I feel the hate and anger inside me...

I feel I need to die...

An Obstacle to Conquer

Oh woe is me... Fate how cruel can you be?

I have a good friend who happened to help me out a few days ago... She also has all this problems plus she also cuts and stuff...

Well to sum it up she was there when I needed someone...

Yes she was helpful but she also posed some personal problems for me though...

But I AM STRONG NOW!!! I could see that this is just another obstacle for me to conquer with God's help...

Instead of being down and depressed because of the shit that keeps on happening... I will bounce back, not let this challenge hinder my growth as a person, and make this opportunity to be another good experience for me to grow...

Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts a little! Yes circumstances were never on my side! But fuck that I will keep a positive mind and hope for the best...

It's just a matter of time... God has given me all this troubles for me to be a strong person inside, someone who can stand on his own...

I'll learn how to walk on my own first before I could walk with other people...

Rehab and Shit

I haven't posted in a long long while. But to sum things up here are the shit that has happened to me so far:

- I was supposed to finally end my life via OD by using my meds.
- I told my crush who also happens to be my friend "Goodbye"  and oh I also gave her a gift that she nonchalantly accepted FUCK but she kept on pressing for info and well I spilled the beans. I kinda regret telling her my secrets though as she now thinks I'm disgusting.
- I chickened out and was sent to a psychological recovery center.
- I met true friends at the center.We were all on the same boat so yeah we kinda like connect with each other.
- I was trying to fix myself when I was at the facility and I felt like I was fine so I was released within a week!
- Praise God and everything. I found a "new life"but things are going a little downhill for me at the moment.

The implications of what happened:
- I will stay in college for another damn year cause a class of mine was delayed due to me being sent to a rehab FUCKSHIT!!!
- I've told a few people about my past and guess what that doesn't sit well with me.
- The good thing is that I became closer with my crush and I'm planning on asking her out sometime but meh... I'm just asking to be friendzoned haha.

At the end of the day the inevitable just got delayed... I'm planning on committing suicide during the graduation of my supposed batch (take note I was supposed to graduate with them but boo fucking hoo shit happens).

Road to Recovery

Dear blog...

Its a new year... I felt really lonely on that day... we celebrated it in a mall... Free fireworks are always good... I mean who would want to burn their own money?

We were with our relatives but I felt so lonely... There were many people who looked happy being with their loved ones but I felt different...

Its a new year... I am slowly changing my ways... I know it will be hard but I'm trying my best...

I changed the title of this blog to "Road to Recovery"... I am not contemplating suicide anymore because I have found hope that things will do get better...

A lot of things has happened... most of them for the better... Although I still feel empty inside... I feel more at peace with myself...

I'm still not 100% okay... No one is fully "okay"... everyone has a share of their own problems...

There were many events that tempted me to go back into my cycle of depression but thank God that I have somehow avoided it... I know that there will be endless events that will make me crumble but I know better now...

I feel so tempted to cut again because of some personal reasons... Its a new year and I have lost my "inspiration"...

But the point is no matter how hard things might get for me... No matter how my mind tries to break me... No matter how frequent the devil tries to "trip" me... I will not fall down easily... I will do my best to stay as positive as I can... as strong as I can...

Of course I am doing my best to be a "better" person and I'm not just relying on a promise that things will get better...

I have left my path to suicide... I never gave importance to myself back then... I never saw hope... For the first time in 5 years I feel like tomorrow is a "new day"...

I am on my road to recovery... A road that will be full of obstacles... Change is not easy... There will be a lot of hurdles but the price at the end of the road looks so rewarding that I am willing to "not take the easy way out"...

I cannot promise myself that I will not be depressed... I cannot promise that I will never feel inferior... I cannot promise that I will not feel alone and suicidal... These things will come at some point but I am "equipped" with the right tools to deal with these problems...

Happy New Year they say... I was not happy... But that does not mean I am feeling hopeless... I was sad because I felt lonely... Its only natural... Maybe I'll find happiness at the end of the "road"... or maybe on the way there...

I feel like "Hopeful New Year" is more suited for me...

It Is An Art...

Damn... An animated movie just fucked up my day!!!

I watched the movie "5 Centimeters Per Second"... It was very beautiful yet it depicts a very ugly truth... I will not go into details about the movie, its plot, etc... All I can say is that it is a must-watch film... The pace is slow though but there is something special about that slow pace and every little detail / thought that is put into it...

Damn... Just watch the film and you will know how I feel... and given my circumstances... This film is so heart wrenching... more than "Grave of the Fireflies"... stupid train!!!

I was looking for the ending to embed here but damn... I couldn't bring myself to even listen to it... Anyways here is the ending and I...

Good Lord!!! This movie really ripped my heart out... It did not only touch my heart... This movie crushed it!!!

I still feel down everytime I try to remember this... Damn!!! I don't want to be a spoiler but the last song, the final scene... they really...

Anyways... The guy smiled at the end... He realized that she has moved on and he is happy about it... He is happy for her and for himeslf because they can now go on with their lives... SHIT!!! but still...

Moving on... it is an art that is hard to master... the thing is I haven't really moved on... Its not about love... Moving on is realted to everything that has passed... Love is usually a related topic about moving on but many things can be related to it...

I for one have wasted 5 years of my life because I failed to move on and forgive myself for doing a horrible thing to my sister...

I have wasted 4 years of my life because I have failed to move on from a simple crush that I had... A simple crush that went deep to my heart because she is so... but she was too perfect for me thats why I never had the courage... And oh I sent her a message on facebook about it... caused me a a few weeks of depression... Its on this blog... I messed up about it... but there is no point in crying over spilled milk...

But that was not a simple crush that easily went away... It caused me a lot of grief and deprived me of happiness for the rest of my high school year...

I feel so pathetic because I failed to let go of something I never even had in the first place... I failed to move on from something that is imaginary... We were never even friends... but the "what ifs and what could haves" really is gnawing at me every single night...

And all of this made me to who I am today... a negative, hopeless, self-hating (I hated myself so much becuase I did something wrong and because I did not do what is right) person... but I am not that person... Look at my previous post and you will see that I am starting to change my ways but still... 5 years is relatively short but those 5 years are my high school years... supposedly the best years a student can have... and the effects have carried on even to my 2nd year of college...

Long story short... "5 cm per second" made me realize that I need to move on... I need to let go of my past... The things I've done and the things I failed to do... The guy in the film was happy about it... Before he realized it his life was starting to crumble... I basically need to move forward...

And the thing about this other girl who also happens to be taken is also another issue for me... Come to think of it I have only really felt this kind of attraction to about 2 to 4 girls... As a boy I have a lot of crushes but they do not last long except for these two... The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend is because of my "easy-fading interest" and when I do find someone who I am really attracted to... I just can't bring myself to do anything because of everything that I have posted on this blog (inferiority, anxiety, my personality, my past, etc...)

So the only time that I really feel my "heart beat"... on both of these occassions... they are both FUCKING TAKEN!!! And I can't even do anything about it... I don't want to enumerate why but this is where inferiority kicks in...

Sighs... I really need to master the art of moving on... The second time I felt something fill up my gaping heart... I did something about it... I started to change myself (I also changed myself the first time; studying hard to be in the star section and all that...) but this second time... I really dug deep and I tried to be as positive as I can... I denounced all of my inferiorities but still... She outright ignored me... it hurts... damn... I shouldn't have...

What is wrong with me? Realistically speaking I am not ugly (on the outside that is...), I have a fairly good life, I may be not the smartest but I can say that I am somewhat intelligent, I am no couch potato nor am I physically weak... But why the hell...

Well my life has to go on... I need to forget about them... They are happy with their own lives... I must start moving forward...

She has only ignored me but she has not really "rejected" me or anything... I could be wrong but I need to stop being passive and negative about it... I will not give up...

Sighs... I need to do someting about it... I'm trying to actively pursue her when classes resume... I'm doing my best to "cure" myself of everything that is bothering me... I need to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to have a chance to even be friends with her... (we are friends on facebook and we do sometimes talk but still...) If for my own happiness I need to step on somebody I will do it... She might have a boyfriend but I'll do my very best to be a better man for her...

I'm doing my best now to change... to be a better person... for her...  I don't know what will happen but this time I will take a risk... I'm excited to go back to school... Now if she rejects me... well that topic is reserved for another day if it indeed happens...

I may sound shallow as of late because of all this lovey-dovey stuff... but I need this... I feel like I need someone... I have been an island for as long as I can remember... I guess its also about time that I look for someone to share my life with... Thats why I'm fixing my life so... you know...

Hope for the best... I'm not yet expecting the worst because it will trigger my negative emotions but I feel like I'll be prepared for it though...

Down...

Its been a while...

I feel a lot better now... I have opened up to my parents (except about my pedo thing) and it has been very helpful to me...

"Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer has also been very helpful... I'm less negative... I'm more cheerful... My mood has been pretty good and even my "aura" has changed...

There have been of course a few bumps... I'm not yet 100% okay but I'm getting there slowly but surely... Its not an overnight change... There will be times where I will "fall down or stumble" but because of my new outlook I feel like I can still go one...

The book has really opened my mind... God answered my prayers so fast... I needed some help and he gave it... of course change will not come overnight and there will be a lot of obstacles on my way to finally ridding myself of negative emotions/thoughts... but for the first time in 5 years, I felt that there was hope for me...

Its not just "putting a patch" on my wound... I'm now finally treating the wound to make sure it heals up... I have also done many things I wouldn't have done otherwise... I finally started adding friends (I of course know those people) on facebook (I know its a real silly but its a big thing for me to add people even on facebook)...

I'm doing a lot of things to overcome my social anxiety even if its through the internet...Slow steps... but still...

I'm doing pretty well... It will take time to remove social anxiety, inferiority, pessimism but I feel like I have the "tools" that I'll need to overcome this...

I have also found a "reason" as to why I should no longer continue to punish myself... All these years of pain and suffering I've caused to myself because I feel guilty about what I did in the past... I think I've done enough... Its now time to "free" myself on this self-imposed prison that I put upon myself...

Sometimes... the thougths return... My mind is still haunting me and tempting me to go bakc to punishing myself... It has been explained in the book (I'm not yet on that chapter) and its hard to stay positive...

Helping, loving and caring for myself is something new to me... I have always hated myself for as long as I can remember so I'm still confused about it... Sometimes I would question my resolve... Sometimes I would think that I should not be doing this instead I should be thinking of punishing myself more...

But I believe God wants me to live a happy / normal life... It will be hard to remove every last bit of my old self but it will be for the better... He gave me people who are there to help, He gave me understanding parents, He gave me a book / guide on how to recover... He gave me every thing that I will need... Its just up to me to use it properly...

Why is the title "Down" ? ... well I feel a down right now because the girl that I really feel is like a keeper did not even reply to a simple message I sent her... I failed to give her the Christmas gift that I bought... I added her on facebook, she accepted, I sent her a simple "Hi (and a random question about somebody who left a camera on our room)"... I waited for about a week and it seems she has no intention of replying... I even saw her pics and well I must admit defeat to a better man...

"Her smile"... I believe that is the title of the post where I explained how I was attracted to her... we do talk at school but were not really friends...

This is where the obstacles start... Since I must admit defeat to a better person my inferiority complex is flaring up... Since I have let another "keeper" pass be without me even having a chance this is where all my negative thoughts rise up... Since a simple message has been ignored this is where my social anxiety starts to creep in... I'm still in control of all these though but I feel like there is a volcano ready to erupt inside me...

Its going to be a battle... I must control and pacify all these negative emotions/thoughts... I still feel okay... but deep inside I know that its like a beast has been awakened again... a beast that will cause me a lot of suffering... I however am still doing my best to stay positive...

I read on the book... "everything works out for good"... I believe everything will be fine in the end... another quote a good person told me was "everything will be fine in the end... if its not okay its not the end (or something like that)"...

Sighs... And I haven't even really addressed my issue about my pedophilia and incestous thoughts (its up to a psychiatrist to treat/ decipher)... but I believe these thoughts do not define me...

I am better than what I think or feel I am... Even though I "slipped' a couple of times, even though I sometimes have "evil" thoughts... I feel that I am so much better than that and I deserve to live a normal life...

I'm a little down because of this girl but yeah... I'll bounce right back up... I'll rebound this miss...

Eruption...

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

I went to a childhood "friends" 18th birthday... damn... I wish I never came... I have to admit she was beautiful though...

The point is people were asking a dreaded question... People were asking if I have a girlfriend... FUCK YOU ALL!!!

These stupid ass bitches were rubbing me off the wrong way... they know that I don't have one so why do they ask? They ask because they want to make me feel bad about myself...

These people rub off my social anxiety with me... They are making fun of me still being single...

Fuck life...

Then my parents talked about it in the car... Then I somehow got mad but I managed to keep my cool... But the thing is...I never wanted to be like this...

I don't want to leave our house again... whenever I leave the house... all I see are things I don't have...

The celebrant had many friends who went there... damn... I really wish from the bottom of my heart that I can somehow have friends like that...

I fucking hate myself for being afraid of any social interaction... damn...

I'm just bitter... These people don't really mean any harm to me but I think so because of my own pathetic life...

And we left early... some people stayed for the after party... here I am stupidly ranting...

I really wish... I need... But somehow God won't give me...

FUCK THIS LIFE!!!

FUCK SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!

FUCK INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

FUCK THE REASONS OF MY INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!

I don't want to cut... but thats the only thing I have right now...

Damn... I'm so pathetic... I'm such a loser...

I never wanted to be aloof... I just want to...

The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend or close friends is because I know that these people will not accept me for who I am... They will despise me once they knew who the real me is... They would make fun of me... They will reject me... So I reject them first...

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!

I FUCKING HATE THIS LIFE!!!

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!

ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND FROM MYSELF!!!

DAMN!!!

BULLSHIT!!!

I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!

GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I DON'T HAVE ANY RELEASE!!! FUCK IT!!!

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

Death Around The Corner

3 more days before Christmas break begins...

Ahhh.... the time for Christmas parties, gift giving and all that other bullshit...

Fuck damn it... damn it... Life can't get lonelier than this...

I have been somehow "invited" to three Christmas parties... I don't know if I'll go... I don't drink (sensei says no) and I'm a boring person...

I'll just give my gift to this classmate of mine... I happened to pick his name so... I'm not expecting to receive a gift... long story short... I picked my name first, lost my pick, then I repicked... so I'll give something to someone out of conformity...

I've been all over the internet looking for articles on how to deal with my social anxiety... but I feel down everytime I read one... I can't do any of those...

How to talk to girls this that bullshit, how to be outgoing and all that crap... none of those help me... I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy but there will always be a time when hobbies cannot contain loneliness anymore...

Oh dear... I am in big trouble, I have an exam on Friday and a paper to pass and I haven't done anything yet... Damn it... this depression of mine is really a pain in the ass...

I've emailed the guidance office of my school... so far no replies... I have posted my "plea for help" on yahoo answers for a broader audience but again no replies... Damn it...

Loneliness + being intentionally ignored = really fucked "down" mood...

Sighs...

I feel like death is just around the corner... not Christmas not New Year not any fucking social event...

I don't feel anything at all anymore... I am just consumed by my self-hatred and loneliness...

I don't even know if I love myself anymore... its dwindling every day... I mean how can I  "forgive" myself if I am somehow a child molester? How can I forgive myself for being inadequate and incapable of being a normal guy? How can I forgive myself for wasting all my life moping like an emo bitch? How can I forgive myself for being a loser?

Keeping my cool is hard... My will to live is slowly being drained out... I don't even care about my hobbies anymore... I don't care about my family and (friends?)...

Sighs... so much to do in so little time with so little energy left...

A Few More Before I Reach My Destination

Holding on is becoming harder and harder...

I have made a stupid poem as some sort of a summary of my problems... some sort of a compilation of all my emotions...

Now that I have learned that there is no help for me out there... Now that I realized that in the end I cannot solve my problems... Now that I have accepted that I will never be accepted...

I made a poem... I only planned to put it in here during the times on which suicide is the only reasonable option left for me...And now is the time... After the thought of a thereaphist would report me finally sunk in... I am now lost... completely lost...

Even God, whom for years I've believed will help me, now has abandoned me...Oh dear... Sighs...

Well here is my poem... I know it is ugly but hey my life is ugly anyway...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My cry

By the_unknown

I cry when I hear laughter.

I know I’m just being bitter.

I cry when I see people together.

These people I want to slaughter.

I cry when I see brotherhood.

Loneliness for years I’ve withstood.

I cry when I see a girl pass by.

I feel that my heart will die.

I cry because no one will know.

The things I’ve done should never show.

I cry for I cannot commit something.

Suicide and the happiness to me it will bring.

I cry to God I’m sorry for being bad.

Peace of mind I never had.

I’m truly sorry for the bad I’ve done to everyone.

Pills, heights, a knife, or a gun?

Nobody even heard my cry.

Now it’s time for me to die, my last goodbye.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How about that? I think it sums up my problems pretty well... I don't feel like I can last long enough...

Christmas is coming... what better gift to give myself than to end all of my suffering right?

I can only take so much... And to think I can never fully get some help...

I would be lying to myself if I won't tell a doctor about all the things I've done... Its not as serious as Sandusky's but still...

Oh dear... Oh dear... I'm having a really hard time trying to feel composed here...

Sighs...

My Life in Shambles

My life is crumbling to pieces...

Well as I have said before... this blog would serve as my "memoir"... and that include me putting up pictures of my cuts here...

Not that I flaunt it like some stupid emo guy... Everything here has a purpose...

I know its pretty lame...but I am saving "space"... I can only cut on my thighs and my body... I need to conserve these places for the future...

Do I really have to explain this? It is very straight forward... I hate myself...

Another straight forward message... I'm a loser...Notice that I put a " : " there because I am not only a loser... there are many things that I am, like this for example...

See... I'm saving space... I don't want to mindlessly slash myself in horizontal and vertical lines... And it has more "meaning" than just plain old cuts...

Just yesterday, my inferiority has really gone off the roof...

WARNING LOVELESS EMO RANT COMING UP:

Well I feel really down yesterday... I mean nobody really talks to me... Nobody adds me on facebook... Nobody texts me... Nobody even tries to be friendly to me... And there is this guy on the dorm that every girl seems to like... SIGHS... I feel like a total loser... No one from my dorm would even notice me... No girl has ever shown any interest in me... I am not even close with my room mates... occasional nods and smiles but thats it... Many beautiful girls reside on my dorm... triggers me everyday... I keep asking myself what does that guy have why everyone likes him? I mean well I won't even try to give compliments to myself and enumarate the good things that I have since it is worthless and futile...

Anyways, enough of this emo rant... My grades are also slipping so yeah, everything is falling apart... mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...


Christmas is coming... of course I won't be in any parties... of course no one would greet me... of course it is another cold Christmas for me...

My life is in shambles... I feel like God does not want me... Is there reason enough to live?

Maybe God Hates Me

I just want to fucking kill somebody... that somebody is me...

My life (which cannot be considered a "life") is slowly starting to crumble... Everything is falling apart...

I prayed to God yesterday to answer my question: "God do you want me to commit suicide?"... I mean I find the reason to do so everyday...

Then I got the answer (or I think it was an answer) early this morning as I was reading something for our Theology class...

I read something about Adam needing Eve... I read something about "love"... I read something about finding the other one... I read about that a person finds "completeness" with the other... I also read that it is completely wrong to shun the world because it is God's gift for us... And I also read that God made us to be "loving" beings... I will explain everything later...

Early this morning I typed on Google "God hates me"... then I saw one on Yahoo Answers... The guy who asked has problems (duh!) and so he thought that God hates him...

This was the "Best Answer" chosen by the asker:

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"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son ... "

Jesus said "It rains on the just and the unjust alike."

But because God doesn't hate you (in fact He LOVES you), He sent Jesus to die for your sins so you wouldn't have to face the Judge after you die.

Before you start talking about what God hasn't done for you, start with what He HAS done, and respond to that, first, and then take it from there, one step at a time. Jesus said, "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, and ALL these (other) things (that you need) will be added to you."

You can't complain about God not intervening in your life if you have pushed Him away, so the first step is (as I already stated), ask God to forgive you (based on the fact that Jesus died for your sins, in your place and then rose again the morning of the third day), repent (turn your back on) your sins and your old way of life, living ultimately for your self, and allow Jesus to be the Lord (boss) of your life.

Until you take that first step, you're still pushing God away, and as long as you continue to push God away, there's nothing at all God can do. He is, after all, a gentleman and won't force Himself on you. (That would be tantamount to "spiritual rape"). He said, "Behold, I stand at the door (of your heart) and knock. If any one will open (his heart) to me, I will come in and live with him, and he with me."

He said in His Word, "The ear of the Lord is not heavy that He can not hear you, nor is his arms shortened that He can not reach you, but your own sins have made a separation between you and God."

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What about that? I have done all of what I needed to do for God to help me but then what?

I have prayed countless of times for forgiveness... I have tried my best to repent from my sins... I have done quite well, if I might say, to not turn back to doing the things I've done... I always pray that "God just please take control of my life"... I have given Him the "wheel" to control and guide my life... I have asked many many times that He help me get out of this mess... But what has He done?

I need His help the most right now... but I never got any help... Instead of helping me get back up, He always tries His best to put me down... In every single way that He can, God gives me enough reason to feel depressed and down...

Now why do I blame God for every bit of misfortune that has happened to me? Well its simple really, I always pray for help and instead of being "uplifted" I always feel down at the end of the day... I get the exact opposite of what I pray for...

I suddenly remembered about Footprints in the Sand as I am typing this:

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Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

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Quite a contradiction to what I have been rambling earlier... So this past month was the time that I only see one set of footprints because Jesus was carrying me? But why does God need to carry me if He could easily just give me the strenght to walk? Why do I need to suffer if God could just help me out in the first place...

As I've said earlier... I fully believe that I have done everything I could to ask for God's help... I let Him take control of my life but nothing has happened so far? I also tried my best to help myself but to no avail...

Maybe God just wants me to commit suicide... He says He "helps" me but I don't see any help... He makes me remember all these "verses" that should help me continue to hold on... but at the end of the day He puts me back down again...

Or maybe its the devil who puts me down? But if thats the case then why does God let the devil destroy me?

God or the devil, whoever tries to put me down... I came to one conclusion.... I clearly do not belong to this world because apparently God does not want me here...

Do I not receive God's protection and blessings because I haven't gone to church for 6 years now? The only reason I stopped going to church is because of my social anxiety... I left church but I kept my faith... Through hard times Jesus is the only one I have... but I could take only so much pain...

In connection to what I've read on theology...  If the world is God's gift to man... If man was made to love a woman... If we are to find "fulness" in the other person... Then why have I not received / experienced any of them... The obvious reason was that God never intended me to experience about those things... He wants me to just I don't know maybe kill myself or live my life with full of suffering...

I think God finds amusement to my misery and probably to other person's as well... It was explicitly stated that suicide is a sin... so its like I have no choice but to duke it out with this life of mine... No easy way out... I have to live with all this pain and anger througout my whole life... and the means for this to be over is by natural or accidental death...

To sum everything up as to why God hates me:

- God never intended me to enjoy this world and all the things that it can give me like love from fellow humans, especially from an "Eve" for example.

- God always puts me down... well if He is not the one who puts me down... He still does not give me enough help or protection from being put down by external forces.

- I have turned everything down that is of this world. I have put God above all else but I still don't get any help. I might get some blessings (and I'm thanful) but I don't get the important things in life.

- If humans are intended to be social creatures, then why was I not given the capacity to be socialble? Should I just had been in a relationship I would have never developed a paraphilia. Should I just had any sort of social skill then I would not have to be like this.

- And last but not the least... I could say that God hates me or at the very least neglects me because after all He has done for me like saving me from appendicitis (one more day and I would have died so said the surgeon), saving me from a truck (the truck literally flew in front of me), saving me from a serious fever when I was a child (I was literally black and blue)... after all that He has done for me... He now does not even give any attention to my prayers...It was like a plan in the making to make me feel that He loves me only for me to find out that all of that was just a front to hurt me now on my lowest point in my life...

Its hard to explain everything as English is not my first language but deep inside my prayer was answered.

"God do you want me to commit suicide?"

I got the answer...

It was a "eureka" moment... Even God does not want me alive...

Up and Down

What a day!

And no, I did not type that on a happy tone... Up and then down... I felt happy and a little bit excited like a child when I have bought 4 tactical folders earlier today... I kept on saying "awesome and cool" because the knives really were awesome and cool... Its so damn sharp, I almost cut myself unintentionally when I took the blade out... I'm planning on making this a collection... still have a lot more to buy though... I mean who needs a fucking "Gillette Razor Blade" ? when you have real (in my case China-made replicas) tactical knives...

They look so cool!!! That was the "up" part of my day... then came the "down"...

As I was about to go home (after buying the tactical folders) a security guard badly mistreated me... He looked at me like I was some sort of scum, he was angry at me for no reason because most probably I looked like I cheated my train ticket...

Damn that guy... I talked to him nicely... after I bought a new ticket I talked to him again but he still looked as though he was going to fucking kill me... I of course was seething from inside... A lowly son of a bitch security guard was looking down on me... Who does he think he is? Whats inside my pocket at that very moment was most likely worth more than what he could get in a month! And I will never forget his fuckingly ugly face... This Friday I'll return to the station to settle the score... No I will not use what I learned from martial arts classes on him because he has a gun and a stick... I was only trained in fist to fist combat, MMA to be more exact...

Why did I let him step on my pride... I was doing nothing wrong but he treated me like I was cheating my way out of a P12 ticket... that bitch... well first of all I thought that I should not even verbally fight him because I remembered that Jesus who is a God was humiliated exponentially by what I experienced... so I was in a dillemma... should I stand up for myself or let him trample on my pride?

I let him step on me... I swallowed my pride... Well look at what Christianity taught me... I know I did the right thing to just "understand" him because he is just a fucking security guard but still...

Anyway a few tears fell out of my eye because whatever self-esteem I have for myself was gone because of that incident... I couldn't even stand up to myself...

But deep inside I knew I did the right thing... I knew I somehow made God happy because I bore in mind His teachings espcially about being humble...

It just ticked me off because I was having a very bad month... Anyways maybe I'll not report him as he may lose his job... I'll let it slide... It feels the right thing to do...

I however thought that I got nothing out of my "being humble" because not only did I reinforce the guard's bad behavior I also destroyed what is left of my self-esteem... but I thought that even if no one saw what I did, God is always watching and maybe He will reward me or something... not that I did it so that I'd have a reward...

But what reward I thought... I wish I'd get a blessing that is not about the material or physical... I always was praying to uhhmmm (never mind its just another romantic emo wish of mine like finding someone who understands, someone who can accept me and all that bullshit)...

Sighs... anyhow I don't feel angry anymore... just feeling like a loser thats all... Sometimes I ask God why He does He always makes me feel like a loser? Or is it the devil who makes me feel this way? I don't know because it could be a two-way argument... I will not spew out my boringly complex argument here... but I do know one thing and that is I have never felt like a winner before...

Just a while ago as I was getting hot water from my dorm's first floor... I saw three beautiful ladies who are also dormers and school mates of mine... They looked at me like I'm some kind of trash that does not belong in the same floor as them... I'm not certain though but that was my observation...

I'm not ugly per se... or am I? But the thing is I always feel like a "lesser" individual to everyone... Social-anxiety, inferiority complex and pedophilia.... AGGHHH!!!  These things are killing me!!!

Well I saw another post on the "remorse" section... this guy apparently is also a pedo and he felt bad about himself... like me he is ashamed and hateful of himself... then I remembered again the things that I've done... This guy had no "molestation contact" with the uhhhmm "victim"... he said he deserved death... if thats the case I also deserve death and in a worse way because I did more horrible things... I don't want to explain it in detail because it will haunt for the rest of the week... And then there are those pedos who really went all the way... they also deserve death but in the worst way...

But if there is remorse then people no matter what they've done deserves help... I got this from someone who replied to my thread... Sounds good to me... but its gonna take a while for a person to completely forgive himself and to also be forgiven by others...

Ugghhh I'm supposed to study for Japanese class... but this whole depression thing has really been affecting my studies a lot!

Well it seems that I will sleep with the "down" side of my day... too bad I really wish that sometimes I could go to sleep feeling better than being depressedor at the very least feeling better than sad...

Sighs

Sighs...

Sighs... all I can say about my day is... sighs... How uncreative of me... well "sighs" is the word (or action for that matter) that best describes my day today... All the missed quizzes... all the missed lectures... sighs...

My grades would definitely be affected... I just had to be totally depressed last week! What timing!

I was supposed to go to our school councellor to get some sort of help but it is easier said than done... I don't know how to approach their office... What should I say? Should I go all out and tell them that I'm having multiple problems all rooted to me being a pedophile and growing up being introverted?

Sighs...

I again always freeze up... I won't bring it up anymore but I also feel sad and alone when I'm at school or any other place where there are many people...

I just can't open my fucking mouth to say something... sighs...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck pedophilia and whatever other problems it has caused me!!!

I have to survive two more weeks of school... two more weeks of stress... two more weeks of loneliness at my dorm... two more weeks of constantly feeling down... When Christmas vacation starts, well I don't know if the holidays can supress my thoughts but its better than being at school being lonely...

Sighs...

Damn it... I need some help... but the only place I get one is on the internet... I'm thankful for that but it would be better if a person would help me face to face... If only someone can accept me in real life... I can't even accept myself and that has to be solved first...

Sighs...

Coincidental Crossroads

Meh...

I have joined a new forum yesterday... Their section about "Remorse", "Child Abuse", and "Paraphilia" will probably be the most helpful sections for me... I was glad to find the place... People there are more "open" especially to sensitive topics like pedophilia... No we do not plan on something nor do we share some smut... The people there ask for help because they don't want to be a pedo... I mean who wants to be right? Even after admitting it I still don't feel any better... It only causes me to delve more on my thoughts...

Now off to the main topic of my post...

I find it very funny and hurtful at the same time that I saw on facebook my former schoolmate who has indirectly caused me a lot of emotional pain... The first time I saw her profile was on friendster... 4 years ago... I was so nervous on sending her a friend request because I was very shy... On the same mall where I was surfing 4 years ago I saw her profile on facebook... She has not changed... Unknowingly she is still killing someone inside...

I saw her on my freshman year in high school... Attraction at first site... I felt like she was the one who can fill the gaps in my gaping heart... however there was a catch... She was out of my league... I was on the lowest section back then and I was kinda like a slob... To solve my problems... I studied hard to be smarter, I started playing basketball to get fit and i did everything I could to be "likeable"... I have reached my goals on my sophomore year...

I was put on the "star section"... I got fit... and I looked better than last year... But all of my efforts were still futile because even with all of my "improvements" I still feel unworthy to even be her friend... She eventually had a boyfriend who I think is not deserving of her...

I was hurt... of course she does not know that I like her, I think... but the point is I was hurt... My efforts were wasted and I saw someone I consider special just pass me by... (I still feel angry and sad whenever I think of this)... I know its only puppy love but still...

I have lost any interest in school... Suspensions here and there, had a few fights, grades flunking, what else?
From being motivated I went downhill to the point that I had to leave for another school... My grades were passable but I chose to change schools the next year becaus I can't bear the pain of seeing her with someone... So selfish of me but I can't deny that I was really hurt...

Onto my 3rd year of high school in a new school... I have developed a sense of inferiority because of that... I isolated myself... I did not welcome any other form of attraction... because I'm afraid that I will be unworthy again and I'll be hurt...

Things went from worse to worst for me... This was around the time that my depression got worse and I can't control my anger... I went to a psychiatrist because I have a very high chance of being dropped out of school and I was also being more violent... I had the 2nd most number of days absent at 30 something... Before that, on my 2nd year (the time I lost interest in school because of being "heart broken") I had the most number of lates and cuts on that school...

The point is this girl, because she is just so damn perfect, unknowingly destroyed my already broken life... She added to the pain I was suffering... I have lost all of my self confidence during those two years... I felt unworthy, I felt like trash...

I still don't feel confident around women and I don't think I have a chance on the girl who I mentioned a few posts earlier...

Why is this entitled "Coincidental Crossroads" ? I named it like that because of the coincidences like the mall for example... I was also confronting other issues that I have like pedo (same time at sophomore year when I almost tried to...) stuff and now she "shows up"... God must want me to fix all of my problems and finish all of my unfinished business...

I have made up my mind... I will send her a message saying that I used to like her very much and that she has caused me a lot of troubles... No I will not try to be friends with her or anything, I just want to get some things off my chest... She will think that I am a stalker, well she probably already thought of it before because of the friendster feature of "who viewed" your profile... but I don't give a FUCK!!! I want to be "free"... I am doing this for myself... to confront my skeletons on my damn closet...

I will come off as a jerk, I will look like a pathetic stalker, I will look like a freak.... I just don't give a DAMN anymore!!! I am now motivated to solve all of my problems... from my social life to my dark experiences...

I am READY!!! I will of course feel depressed but at least I could say to myself that I left no stone unturned (if its appropriate)... This will make me sad but this will probably help me be a "normal" guy...

I need to clean out my closet...

A Few More

SIGHS...

I don't know why I even post my stupid cuts... It looks ugly but at the same time appropriate... I mean I am very ugly person inside...

I always cut by threes (3)... I don't just cut wildly... I do it in a certain way that can easily be covered by a band-aid...

 

My cuts are really shallow... I feel pathetic... But I've changed my blade...

I cut on places not easily visible... The cut on my leg was more painful than the ones one my forearms...

The cut on my forearm easily healed... The cut on my leg was a day younger so it was more fresh as seen in the pathetic picture...

 

That was my other leg... This time I used a Gillette blade instead of my stupid-ass sharpener blade...

I also cut symmetrically... I don't know why...

 

The picture above was after I have rubbed some alcohol on it... It kept on bleeding for some time so I have to always wipe the blood with an anti-septic...

The cuts on my arms (no not muscles, shit still too small to be visible) were the most painful... I rode the train the other day and it hurt a lot whenever someone bumps at it...

Symmetry...This one was deeper than the other cut on my arm...

 

This was my last cut... It was on my right forearm...Bled a lot... My new blade does the job better...

I treat my cuts as a form of art... a self expression of my depression... I do it by threes (3) and on certain parts of my body... 

I was searching an online "market" and I saw something that fascinated me a lot... I saw a tactical folder... I believe it will do the job better than a thin razor blade... 

FUCK IT!!! This is turning into a habbit of mine... DAMN!!!

My parents saw my cuts... they were non-chalant about it though... they don't really believe that I have any problems... They think I'm just looking for attention, being emo or something...

They always ask me what are the things that bother me... but if I tell them then it would have some serious consequences...

I again end in a deep and depressed - SIGHS...

Thrown Out

To the place where I found some comfort...

I am writing this to say farewell to a place where I found people who care... I registered in SF many months ago... I was looking for a pro-suicide site when I saw SF. I was really depressed that day and I then I saw the forum... I only post in the forum if I am depressed... and I always find people who try to cheer you up... Total strangers telling me that there is hope...

Most of my posts/threads in there are about depression, loneliness, social-anxiety, school related and girl problems... but on a thread titled "Do You Have Evil Thoughts?" I posted something that led me to be depressed for almost a month up to now... I was banned forever...

That was the only place where I told my problems... That site actually helped me on one of my most suicidal moments early this year...

I want to say sorry to the people who had their bad memories brought up because of what I relayed... My problem is kinda like the source of other people's problems... I never intended to bring those back up... I also don't want to remember my bad experiences but it resurfaced...

I'm afraid that cops may bust me or something... If I ever go back to my psychiatrist should I tell her everything? Would she not dial the police and have me arrested? There is no place for me in society... And I cried when I learned that I'm banned of the forum forever... Even if I join on another site with another name, it will still be the same because I am still me... my more serious problems would never go away... I could live in isolation without any friends or anything but there are some things that I can't really shrug off...

Here are the people who have helped me most during my stay in SF: Extrasoap, windlespoons, total eclipse. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me even if its just replying to my rants or something...I wish all of you well and I'm always thankful for you guys being there for me at certain moments I need someone to talk to... My message may not reach you but I'm very thankful for all of your help... I never imagined that total strangers on the other side of the planet would be the ones who will say "Don't give up" or "You are not trash"...

Yesterday was like a bad dream... I had a rough time in school, I did not do well on my game, I realized that my hopes were false, then I got banned... These are not major problems... they are but small dots but when these dots connect they form a larger picture all portraying a very bad experience...

Where will I now seek help? I can't join another forum because it basically has the same rules/guidelines like the former one... If I pretend to be a different guy then I'm just lying to myself... I can't always hide the root of all my pain and suffering...

Its been almost a month now since my depression came back... I thought I have already "sealed" away everything and that I could enjoy my college life but no... I was wrong... its like I'm only trying to cover up the wound to temporarily stop the pain but I'm not treating the wound itself to permanently prevent the pain from coming back...

SIGHS... fuck life... I hate myself but nonetheless my miserable life goes on...