I Hope It Never Ends...

The last few days have been very beautiful... I've never felt so at peace before...

Probably the fact that letting go of certain hurtful things really did take a load off my chest...

I could smile, I could laugh, I could be happy...

I hope it stays like this forever...

Been training in Muay Thai and BJJ as well... Finally got my 1st stripe in BJJ but I need to work more on my Muay Thai if I want to transition well to MMA...

And oh I will have lunch with her, as a friend take note, in two days... Well I can be myself more because I know that I can never have her so I don't need to act to stiff and prompt just to impress her or something along those lines...

As a friend... yes only a friend but a friend nonetheless... I'm not sad nor disappointed... I'm actually happy this way...

I also have gotten the application form for a college organization that I hope can change me and my perspectives about the world, about other people, and about myself as well...

Life is good...

In addition to Battlefield of the Mind I'm also reading another book entitled "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and you know what these two books have been really helpful to me...

Ahhh praise God that life is good... But in case one day I get depressed again... then PRAISE GOD for even if the fig tree does not bear fruit I shall rejoice in the Lord!!!

A Short Respite

Its been almost a month now...

I've had a very very tough month... Every day is a struggle to stay focused on my studies... I think I am near my "boiling point"... I don't feel like going to school anymore... I only attended Monday classes and thats it... I will go back to school next Monday and hopefully by that time I have sorted out my thoughts...

I'm at my parent's house right now to "relax" a little... They know that I have problems... They always ask me "What are my problems?" but I won't tell them any... I just tell them that I have some things on my mind... things that kill me inside...

I don't feel stressed out here in the province... Maybe I'll drive a little just for fun... Maybe I'll go to the mall later to relieve me of my thoughts... I know I'm just suppressing my depression by doing some activities... School related activities cause so much stress so I decided to go back home...

I don't feel stressed out but I still don't have "inner peace"... I can't tell my parents about the things that I've done... It will most probably cause a rift in my family... I don't want that to happen to my family - it is one of the only things that I find important...

Its the first time in a month that I feel like I have nothing to worry about... I feel "fine" as of this moment but I know I'm just on borrowed time... Not everyday is like this... I'll eventually go back to school and catch up on the past lessons and double my efforts to offset my missed quizzes... Ever since my skeletons-in-the-closet resurfaced, my studies have been negatively affected... This is the longest I've been depressed... The usual ones last only a week or two but this one is already a month old and still counting...

I have lost the will to pursue a better future... I don't want to go back to school anymore... College life sucks a lot if you don't have any inspiration... I have lost my only inspiration... I know I'm just being positive, thinking that I have a chance but hell no... Reality struck and it hurts to see the truth... I can live with it though...

Had a bad day yesterday... Lost two games... I'm thinking of permanently stop playing basketball... Almost had a fight with this dude who complained... I wish the referee didn't stop us... The foolish guy thought that his "gym muscles" would scare me... I'm laughing at him thinking that this guy has no idea who he is up against... Not that I'm the best but I train martial arts (BJJ + some Muay Thai) and I can literally kick his head off or permanently destroy his limbs with a submission... Too bad though... He said sorry after our little scuffle so I let it slide... I'm the kind of person that easily forgives someone given that they say sorry or accept my apology... 

Christmas is near... My goal of being in a relationship or at least something near one before Christmas is a failure... I always knew I'd screw up... Looks like another "cold" Christmas for me...

I am doing my best to stay positive... Two more days before I see my doctor for the first time in three years... SIGHS... Dead man walking...

I have many things on my mind... but I won't let them bother me from my short "timeout"... The year is about to end... By far 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had... I really wish that I'll find someone worth living for before this year ends... So far God is the only one who has kept me going... my family also but I feel that nothing will change whether I'm dead or alive... Now if I find someone.... (I have already found her years ago but...)

Nobody really reads this stupid blog of mine... Why do I keep on updating it? I keep updating this blog because this will be my "final notes" if I indeed commit suicide... As the title suggests everything that I write here is an experience on my "Road to XuiXide"...