The Need to Die

I feel the need to die...

I feel irrelevant...

I am nothing to others...

I feel null and void...

I feel like I've never existed...

I am the 0.1%...

I feel like shit...

I feel like my head is about to explode...

I am a trash of a person...

I feel like my heart is wilting from loneliness...

I feel the need to cut myself...

I am not happy...

I feel the hate and anger inside me...

I feel I need to die...

Damn Coincidence!!!

Damn her!!!

Who is she to destroy my life?! Who is she to make me miserable?!

Ahhh well... it's just me being bitter and all that negative unrequited love emotion shit...

It was my fault anyway for living in a make-believe world where she and I could be together...

But this is reality and it is a fact that she does not see me the same way I see her...

I saw her this morning and she nonchalantly and casually waved at me... She did not say anything nor looked at me (she tapped and me and waved while not looking at me).

I do not want nor need to see her as my doctor ordered but there goes fate making me realize how much important she is to me and that I still can't get her off my damn heart and mind!!!

I am nothing but the irrelevant 0.1% to her while she is my 100%... I do not even matter not even as a friend... She treated me like I am some sort of mere acquaintance after 8 months of being her "close" friend...

DAMN HER!!!

I think I need to cut to get her off my mind... so I can study for law class later...

Here I am rambling about how miserable my stupid life is and tomorrow I'll ask her for lunch and after that I will just continue to be bitter and shit... And oh she just rejected my offer twice already...

Guess that's life... Once you found 'em they will never be yours...

Just keep moving forward...

Your smile makes me weep.
It hurts somewhere deep.

Why do you treat me so?
Alone in my heart I woe.

I know your heart can never be mine.
Until then I shall never be fine.

You could save me from myself.
Yet you never offer any help.

To my one and only.
My feelings you do not return not even partially.

Seems you found your happiness.
While I dwell in my own darkness.

Is it too much to ask oh cruel fate?
Such pain in me you create.

Oh miserable life.
Why must you add her to my strife?

To end it is the only choice.
So said the voice.

All I ever want is you.
Please believe what I've said is true.

A Few More Before I Reach My Destination

Holding on is becoming harder and harder...

I have made a stupid poem as some sort of a summary of my problems... some sort of a compilation of all my emotions...

Now that I have learned that there is no help for me out there... Now that I realized that in the end I cannot solve my problems... Now that I have accepted that I will never be accepted...

I made a poem... I only planned to put it in here during the times on which suicide is the only reasonable option left for me...And now is the time... After the thought of a thereaphist would report me finally sunk in... I am now lost... completely lost...

Even God, whom for years I've believed will help me, now has abandoned me...Oh dear... Sighs...

Well here is my poem... I know it is ugly but hey my life is ugly anyway...

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My cry

By the_unknown

I cry when I hear laughter.

I know I’m just being bitter.

I cry when I see people together.

These people I want to slaughter.

I cry when I see brotherhood.

Loneliness for years I’ve withstood.

I cry when I see a girl pass by.

I feel that my heart will die.

I cry because no one will know.

The things I’ve done should never show.

I cry for I cannot commit something.

Suicide and the happiness to me it will bring.

I cry to God I’m sorry for being bad.

Peace of mind I never had.

I’m truly sorry for the bad I’ve done to everyone.

Pills, heights, a knife, or a gun?

Nobody even heard my cry.

Now it’s time for me to die, my last goodbye.

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How about that? I think it sums up my problems pretty well... I don't feel like I can last long enough...

Christmas is coming... what better gift to give myself than to end all of my suffering right?

I can only take so much... And to think I can never fully get some help...

I would be lying to myself if I won't tell a doctor about all the things I've done... Its not as serious as Sandusky's but still...

Oh dear... Oh dear... I'm having a really hard time trying to feel composed here...

Sighs...