Her Smile

Damn...

Just as I expected... I failed again as usual... If only I have the courage to take out my own eyes to not see. If only I could rip my heart to not feel. So "emo"... I hate it... I have never thought that this kind of thing will happen to me. I always thought that I could live alone... I told myself to not "feel" again... I have rejected the notion of love... I was succesful for 2-3 years but then one day and BOOM!!! Everything that I believed in was put to pieces. Laugh at me cruel fate! I experience some sort of dissonance inside... I don't feel butterflies in my stomach... I only feel the pain that I was attracted to someone but couldn't do anything about it.

Why couldn't I do anything about it? Everythin about me is wrong... I can't let people know who I am... what I am... what I've done... My isolation is taking a huge toll on my mind... I can stand isolation if I can't see people... but everyday I have to go to class... and every other day I have to see her... PUTANG INA!!!

In a world where everyone is connected here I am left out... an outcast if you will... The internet is oppressing me... College is oppressing me... and in the end I oppress myself... AHHHHHH!!!!!

I can't go to my doctor this Saturday... I have a class which I'll attend... I thought that if I could see my doctor again and explain my situation maybe I'll feel a little relieved... But NO!!! I have another week to try and survive... I'll have to wake up for another 7 days knowing that I would go someplace that is full of triggers!!! Every M-W-F a bigger trigger is always present...

Mind: What?!! People are your trigger?!!!
Me: Yes...
Mind: LOL, sorry ass bitch LOL!!!
Me: .........
Mind: Go kill yourself already! Your a sorry exceuse for a person!!!
Me: I know that! Don't rub it on my face!!!
Mind: Then if you know that why do you still continue to try to exist?
Me: (starts listing down the pros and cons of suicide... becomes a coward in the end)
Mind: You are even afraid to take your life!!! Man your pathetic!!!
Me: (starts thinking about my Christian values.... prays to God... prays for forgiveness and praying for a better tomorrow.... cuts if head hurts too much and chest feels so heavy.... then goes to sleep)
The next morning after class.... SAME THING AGAIN!!!

This has been happening to me for a long time... but it became worse when a girl smiled at me... I never thought that I would be noticed for I am a piece of trash... My mind was confused... my heart feels pain... my soul starts to wither...

And she smiled again at me a while ago.... PUTANG INA!!! But I know deep inside that I could just pathetically try to be confident... No matter what I do I'll end up short... But why do I try to start a conversation, something I absolutely suck at? Why do I try to get out of my situation, something that would never improve? Why did I even go to school, something I should have never done???

BULLSHIT!!!!!!

Was I Happy Today?

I think it was a good day for the most part...

I think I have helped someone, her grandpa is sick so... Anyways, I feel fine for the most part... until I realized that I can't even help myself and here I am being the good Samaritan... I almost got what I thought I wanted but I cannot afford to lose my dignity and break my morals - its one of the only things I got left with me. I just missed something that probably will never happen again...

Got a freudian slip in class and made a fool out of myself but I'm impervious to those laughter... there is always a point where one doesnt care anymore and I have suffered more shameful stuff.

Mood is pretty even now, not really down but it always comes back at the latter part of the day. I do not feel lonely, not that I magically have some friends or so. I don't know, I actually felt happy that I helped someone but I feel pathetic that I can't even help myself, no one around me would even try.

College takes a toll on my mind and add that up with what I'm going through with the past two weeks and I feel totally burned out not by studying but by trying to stay as positive and hopeful as I can. My depression was supposedly gone a few years ago but hey ho its here laughing at my face again. And about it being gone my parents "declared" it since they saw me going to school everyday and not breaking stuff and the likes, however now that its back I don't want anyone and I mean ANYONE to know that I will go back to the doctor. I don't want my relatives to make jokes about it again!

I'm expecting another tough day tomorrow, I'll just see her again and not be able to talk because I have issues that deprives me of happiness...

I Am Not Number 4

Diary...

This past two weeks were very rough. At one moment I was very happy. I felt like I overcame some of my "obstacles" but then suddenly my mood went down drastically. I realized that I'll never improve myself. It has been 6 days now that I'm feeling depressed. It has been interrupting my studies. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor... I "googled" if there are any near my area and I was surprised to see that my former doctor also has a clinic in a nearby hospital. I have mixed emotions, for one I feel like this would help me, but I also feel hessitant because I am planning to tell everything unlike the last time. I just want to think things through but I unfortunately have classes. Everytime I come back from school I feel more depressed. There is something about seeing groups of people or at least a couple that really bothers me. I am probably just jealous and insecure... However I can't ditch classes because in college every class is important.

I saw the number of views... there are maybe a few people who can read this...

Feel free to laugh at my miserably simple problems...

3rd Day of Despair

3rd entry:

My chest feels so heavy. I feel so sad right now... I never thought that a serious reflection about myself would make me depressed... I knew that I had many many flaws, I recognize them and it depreciates my self-worth... But I did not reflect on my more serious flaws... I "stored" them and never brought them back out... But a thread made me take a look at it... It had a huge effect on me, I feel guilty of what I've done but I never took it seriously. To begin with I never had any social skills, my self-esteem never developed because of the circumstances I've had growing up... I don't interact too much not because I don't want to but because I can't... My self hate grew, my self confidence diminished, my social skills became non-existent. I always exclude myself and it feels right.

I however did something that would really made me hate myself even more, its not just about self confidence problems but also I feel so ashamed of myself thats why I up to this point never had any close friends...

I had "friends" but I always put on a mask so they don't really know me. I reject people by not being friendly with them... I act cold so they would not come near me... I don't want them because I know that they will never want me... Most of the people I know are ignorant, they think I have no reason wto have problems but problems do not always arise from material insuffiency... Most of the people I know, when I see them, asks me:

Arrogant Person I unfortunately know: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one.
Arrogant Person: Why?
Me: I prioritize other things. (I lie with a very serious face)
Arrogant Person: Maybe you are gay:
Me: No I'm not ( I don't show that I'm hurt)
Arrogant Person: Why don't you have one? You have (inserts compliments that are based on physical/material stuff).
Me: ........... (It's not that simple... I know very well that no one would like me for who I am so why bother right?)

And the arrogant person is everyone I know. I have been asked like a hundred of times by my classmates,relatives,family friends,almost everyone I know of. Same question, same answers, I sometimes smile to show that I just shrug the question off.

It hurts me a lot... Its like they keep rubbing it off on me... They know that I'll never have one but they keep asking like making fun of me...

I always say to myself that if I will only have at least one girl who would love me for who I am then I'll be happy even if the whole world hates me...

The problem is I'm unlikeable, even I don't like what I see in the mirror. Its not that I'm ugly physically... I'm ugly on the inside, my soul is ugly as fuck.

While many of my country men suffer because of poverty, here I am being "emo" about "unimportant" stuff. Hey love is also a basic need according to Maslow.

My problem seems so simple and trivial but I don't know how to overcome it... I could always get a prostitute to shut people up (I am of legal age)... but my problem is myself.... who I am, what I am...

I don't even look in a person's eyes directly because I feel so ashamed of myself... I am always labelled as rude because I just pass by people I know if they won't make the first greeting. Everyone knows I'm an introvert but no one knows that I'm happy being one...

Of course no one would think that I have internal problems because I'm such a good actor... Even my parents think I'm normal now... My theraphy (stopped 2 years ago) was only on controlling my anger and holding off my emotions but they don't know that my destructive nature is caused by what I've written here... My theraphist, school councilors didn't know that I have "deeper" problems... I always lied to them.

I don't know if I should be thankful of it or not but have I never believed in God I would have never lasted. I am "forced" to go through my life. Maybe everything that I have posted is a test for me to overcome. Maybe a punishment. Maybe its the devil trying to screw me up.

Im uncertain but I'm sure of one thing, I can't always live like this. There will be a breaking point, I have never reached it yet. My 2 suicide attempts were not on the "breaking point". I was just depressed thats why I chickened out.

Everyone has problems, it so just happens that mine is simple and I can't solve it.

2nd Entry

Dear fucking diary...

I feel so ashamed of myself... I just told something about me that is really loathsome... I hate myself... That thing really deprived me of everything that I should have enjoyed. I hate myself for not being a better person... One of the underlying reasons for my lack of social skills, self confidence and my self hatred... I blame myself, I also blame my parents, I also blame him... I feel guilty... I should have never... I hate myself...

Day 1

My first diary... is about:

Me seeing the reality that no one would like me. Me waking up in a dream where I thought that I can have someone. I really like her smile. It is really painful to see another person who I think could make me happy just pass by. Hey I don't blame them... who would like me anyway? I can only look at them from afar and be happy that at least I saw a beautiful person.

I gave myself up to 20 years old. When I reach 20 and I still have not found a way to make me likeable, I'll truly push through the last step. Its a plan I made 3 years ago when i was still 15. The best time would be the day before I graduate. People would be shocked, those who don't know me would think that I wasted my life but no it was already null even before I ended it. Of course I'm doing my best to at least gain confidence... I train and study hard but to no avail. I'm now a dean's lister, I did my best to have a fit body but still... I'm not ugly realistically speaking, I also have a fairly good life. I have no vices but why would no one...

God gives us blessings, I'm thankful for what I have but why is love something I can't receive? I feel really lonely and sad. This body and life would have been used properly by a better soul... I would just hurt myself later, I'll make my emotions pile up first before I release it through my blade.