It Is An Art...

Damn... An animated movie just fucked up my day!!!

I watched the movie "5 Centimeters Per Second"... It was very beautiful yet it depicts a very ugly truth... I will not go into details about the movie, its plot, etc... All I can say is that it is a must-watch film... The pace is slow though but there is something special about that slow pace and every little detail / thought that is put into it...

Damn... Just watch the film and you will know how I feel... and given my circumstances... This film is so heart wrenching... more than "Grave of the Fireflies"... stupid train!!!

I was looking for the ending to embed here but damn... I couldn't bring myself to even listen to it... Anyways here is the ending and I...

Good Lord!!! This movie really ripped my heart out... It did not only touch my heart... This movie crushed it!!!

I still feel down everytime I try to remember this... Damn!!! I don't want to be a spoiler but the last song, the final scene... they really...

Anyways... The guy smiled at the end... He realized that she has moved on and he is happy about it... He is happy for her and for himeslf because they can now go on with their lives... SHIT!!! but still...

Moving on... it is an art that is hard to master... the thing is I haven't really moved on... Its not about love... Moving on is realted to everything that has passed... Love is usually a related topic about moving on but many things can be related to it...

I for one have wasted 5 years of my life because I failed to move on and forgive myself for doing a horrible thing to my sister...

I have wasted 4 years of my life because I have failed to move on from a simple crush that I had... A simple crush that went deep to my heart because she is so... but she was too perfect for me thats why I never had the courage... And oh I sent her a message on facebook about it... caused me a a few weeks of depression... Its on this blog... I messed up about it... but there is no point in crying over spilled milk...

But that was not a simple crush that easily went away... It caused me a lot of grief and deprived me of happiness for the rest of my high school year...

I feel so pathetic because I failed to let go of something I never even had in the first place... I failed to move on from something that is imaginary... We were never even friends... but the "what ifs and what could haves" really is gnawing at me every single night...

And all of this made me to who I am today... a negative, hopeless, self-hating (I hated myself so much becuase I did something wrong and because I did not do what is right) person... but I am not that person... Look at my previous post and you will see that I am starting to change my ways but still... 5 years is relatively short but those 5 years are my high school years... supposedly the best years a student can have... and the effects have carried on even to my 2nd year of college...

Long story short... "5 cm per second" made me realize that I need to move on... I need to let go of my past... The things I've done and the things I failed to do... The guy in the film was happy about it... Before he realized it his life was starting to crumble... I basically need to move forward...

And the thing about this other girl who also happens to be taken is also another issue for me... Come to think of it I have only really felt this kind of attraction to about 2 to 4 girls... As a boy I have a lot of crushes but they do not last long except for these two... The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend is because of my "easy-fading interest" and when I do find someone who I am really attracted to... I just can't bring myself to do anything because of everything that I have posted on this blog (inferiority, anxiety, my personality, my past, etc...)

So the only time that I really feel my "heart beat"... on both of these occassions... they are both FUCKING TAKEN!!! And I can't even do anything about it... I don't want to enumerate why but this is where inferiority kicks in...

Sighs... I really need to master the art of moving on... The second time I felt something fill up my gaping heart... I did something about it... I started to change myself (I also changed myself the first time; studying hard to be in the star section and all that...) but this second time... I really dug deep and I tried to be as positive as I can... I denounced all of my inferiorities but still... She outright ignored me... it hurts... damn... I shouldn't have...

What is wrong with me? Realistically speaking I am not ugly (on the outside that is...), I have a fairly good life, I may be not the smartest but I can say that I am somewhat intelligent, I am no couch potato nor am I physically weak... But why the hell...

Well my life has to go on... I need to forget about them... They are happy with their own lives... I must start moving forward...

She has only ignored me but she has not really "rejected" me or anything... I could be wrong but I need to stop being passive and negative about it... I will not give up...

Sighs... I need to do someting about it... I'm trying to actively pursue her when classes resume... I'm doing my best to "cure" myself of everything that is bothering me... I need to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to have a chance to even be friends with her... (we are friends on facebook and we do sometimes talk but still...) If for my own happiness I need to step on somebody I will do it... She might have a boyfriend but I'll do my very best to be a better man for her...

I'm doing my best now to change... to be a better person... for her...  I don't know what will happen but this time I will take a risk... I'm excited to go back to school... Now if she rejects me... well that topic is reserved for another day if it indeed happens...

I may sound shallow as of late because of all this lovey-dovey stuff... but I need this... I feel like I need someone... I have been an island for as long as I can remember... I guess its also about time that I look for someone to share my life with... Thats why I'm fixing my life so... you know...

Hope for the best... I'm not yet expecting the worst because it will trigger my negative emotions but I feel like I'll be prepared for it though...

Down...

Its been a while...

I feel a lot better now... I have opened up to my parents (except about my pedo thing) and it has been very helpful to me...

"Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer has also been very helpful... I'm less negative... I'm more cheerful... My mood has been pretty good and even my "aura" has changed...

There have been of course a few bumps... I'm not yet 100% okay but I'm getting there slowly but surely... Its not an overnight change... There will be times where I will "fall down or stumble" but because of my new outlook I feel like I can still go one...

The book has really opened my mind... God answered my prayers so fast... I needed some help and he gave it... of course change will not come overnight and there will be a lot of obstacles on my way to finally ridding myself of negative emotions/thoughts... but for the first time in 5 years, I felt that there was hope for me...

Its not just "putting a patch" on my wound... I'm now finally treating the wound to make sure it heals up... I have also done many things I wouldn't have done otherwise... I finally started adding friends (I of course know those people) on facebook (I know its a real silly but its a big thing for me to add people even on facebook)...

I'm doing a lot of things to overcome my social anxiety even if its through the internet...Slow steps... but still...

I'm doing pretty well... It will take time to remove social anxiety, inferiority, pessimism but I feel like I have the "tools" that I'll need to overcome this...

I have also found a "reason" as to why I should no longer continue to punish myself... All these years of pain and suffering I've caused to myself because I feel guilty about what I did in the past... I think I've done enough... Its now time to "free" myself on this self-imposed prison that I put upon myself...

Sometimes... the thougths return... My mind is still haunting me and tempting me to go bakc to punishing myself... It has been explained in the book (I'm not yet on that chapter) and its hard to stay positive...

Helping, loving and caring for myself is something new to me... I have always hated myself for as long as I can remember so I'm still confused about it... Sometimes I would question my resolve... Sometimes I would think that I should not be doing this instead I should be thinking of punishing myself more...

But I believe God wants me to live a happy / normal life... It will be hard to remove every last bit of my old self but it will be for the better... He gave me people who are there to help, He gave me understanding parents, He gave me a book / guide on how to recover... He gave me every thing that I will need... Its just up to me to use it properly...

Why is the title "Down" ? ... well I feel a down right now because the girl that I really feel is like a keeper did not even reply to a simple message I sent her... I failed to give her the Christmas gift that I bought... I added her on facebook, she accepted, I sent her a simple "Hi (and a random question about somebody who left a camera on our room)"... I waited for about a week and it seems she has no intention of replying... I even saw her pics and well I must admit defeat to a better man...

"Her smile"... I believe that is the title of the post where I explained how I was attracted to her... we do talk at school but were not really friends...

This is where the obstacles start... Since I must admit defeat to a better person my inferiority complex is flaring up... Since I have let another "keeper" pass be without me even having a chance this is where all my negative thoughts rise up... Since a simple message has been ignored this is where my social anxiety starts to creep in... I'm still in control of all these though but I feel like there is a volcano ready to erupt inside me...

Its going to be a battle... I must control and pacify all these negative emotions/thoughts... I still feel okay... but deep inside I know that its like a beast has been awakened again... a beast that will cause me a lot of suffering... I however am still doing my best to stay positive...

I read on the book... "everything works out for good"... I believe everything will be fine in the end... another quote a good person told me was "everything will be fine in the end... if its not okay its not the end (or something like that)"...

Sighs... And I haven't even really addressed my issue about my pedophilia and incestous thoughts (its up to a psychiatrist to treat/ decipher)... but I believe these thoughts do not define me...

I am better than what I think or feel I am... Even though I "slipped' a couple of times, even though I sometimes have "evil" thoughts... I feel that I am so much better than that and I deserve to live a normal life...

I'm a little down because of this girl but yeah... I'll bounce right back up... I'll rebound this miss...

Eruption...

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

I went to a childhood "friends" 18th birthday... damn... I wish I never came... I have to admit she was beautiful though...

The point is people were asking a dreaded question... People were asking if I have a girlfriend... FUCK YOU ALL!!!

These stupid ass bitches were rubbing me off the wrong way... they know that I don't have one so why do they ask? They ask because they want to make me feel bad about myself...

These people rub off my social anxiety with me... They are making fun of me still being single...

Fuck life...

Then my parents talked about it in the car... Then I somehow got mad but I managed to keep my cool... But the thing is...I never wanted to be like this...

I don't want to leave our house again... whenever I leave the house... all I see are things I don't have...

The celebrant had many friends who went there... damn... I really wish from the bottom of my heart that I can somehow have friends like that...

I fucking hate myself for being afraid of any social interaction... damn...

I'm just bitter... These people don't really mean any harm to me but I think so because of my own pathetic life...

And we left early... some people stayed for the after party... here I am stupidly ranting...

I really wish... I need... But somehow God won't give me...

FUCK THIS LIFE!!!

FUCK SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!

FUCK INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

FUCK THE REASONS OF MY INFERIORITY COMPLEX!!!

STUPID ASS BITCHES!!!

I don't want to cut... but thats the only thing I have right now...

Damn... I'm so pathetic... I'm such a loser...

I never wanted to be aloof... I just want to...

The reason why I still don't have a girlfriend or close friends is because I know that these people will not accept me for who I am... They will despise me once they knew who the real me is... They would make fun of me... They will reject me... So I reject them first...

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!

I FUCKING HATE THIS LIFE!!!

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!

ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND FROM MYSELF!!!

DAMN!!!

BULLSHIT!!!

I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!

GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I DON'T HAVE ANY RELEASE!!! FUCK IT!!!

FUCK DAMN IT!!!

Ahhh.... Fuck!!!!

Damn stupid day! Well the day is not stupid its me who is stupid...

Crammed for an exam...

Did not go to a Christmas party because of my fear of social activities...

Worst part of all... I chickened out to give a gift to a female classmate...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck my stupid ass personality!!!

I never wanted to be a fucking loner... Its so damn hard to live like this...

Man.... another sad Christmas season for me... damn it!!!

I should have gave her the gift... it was nothing special just a small size "Kisses" pouch... I sucked big time...

At least I got to talk to her but I wanted to spend more time with her...

Bullshit!!! Still have classes tomorrow but I'm gonna ditch it...

I'm not really excited with my Christmas vacation... I'm back to my house... isolated... alone...

Fuck it...

The time of year that people socialize a lot and I'm at my house alone at my room moping...

I wish we could at least be friends... for some reason she brightens up my gloomy day with just one smile...

Fuck... I'm supposed to be at a party but here I am typing about my loneliness...

Its been 3 years since I last had a Christmas party with classmates...

Nobody even asked me to come... but I was invited because the invitation was supposed to be for the whole block... everyone was excited about it, talking about it before it even started... well its only natural that no one would dare try to befriend me because I look scary and I act cold...

Damn... feeling so bitter... at this time of the year where most are happy there are those who dwell on depression... regret... hate... jealousy... bitterness...

Death Around The Corner

3 more days before Christmas break begins...

Ahhh.... the time for Christmas parties, gift giving and all that other bullshit...

Fuck damn it... damn it... Life can't get lonelier than this...

I have been somehow "invited" to three Christmas parties... I don't know if I'll go... I don't drink (sensei says no) and I'm a boring person...

I'll just give my gift to this classmate of mine... I happened to pick his name so... I'm not expecting to receive a gift... long story short... I picked my name first, lost my pick, then I repicked... so I'll give something to someone out of conformity...

I've been all over the internet looking for articles on how to deal with my social anxiety... but I feel down everytime I read one... I can't do any of those...

How to talk to girls this that bullshit, how to be outgoing and all that crap... none of those help me... I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy but there will always be a time when hobbies cannot contain loneliness anymore...

Oh dear... I am in big trouble, I have an exam on Friday and a paper to pass and I haven't done anything yet... Damn it... this depression of mine is really a pain in the ass...

I've emailed the guidance office of my school... so far no replies... I have posted my "plea for help" on yahoo answers for a broader audience but again no replies... Damn it...

Loneliness + being intentionally ignored = really fucked "down" mood...

Sighs...

I feel like death is just around the corner... not Christmas not New Year not any fucking social event...

I don't feel anything at all anymore... I am just consumed by my self-hatred and loneliness...

I don't even know if I love myself anymore... its dwindling every day... I mean how can I  "forgive" myself if I am somehow a child molester? How can I forgive myself for being inadequate and incapable of being a normal guy? How can I forgive myself for wasting all my life moping like an emo bitch? How can I forgive myself for being a loser?

Keeping my cool is hard... My will to live is slowly being drained out... I don't even care about my hobbies anymore... I don't care about my family and (friends?)...

Sighs... so much to do in so little time with so little energy left...

A Few More Before I Reach My Destination

Holding on is becoming harder and harder...

I have made a stupid poem as some sort of a summary of my problems... some sort of a compilation of all my emotions...

Now that I have learned that there is no help for me out there... Now that I realized that in the end I cannot solve my problems... Now that I have accepted that I will never be accepted...

I made a poem... I only planned to put it in here during the times on which suicide is the only reasonable option left for me...And now is the time... After the thought of a thereaphist would report me finally sunk in... I am now lost... completely lost...

Even God, whom for years I've believed will help me, now has abandoned me...Oh dear... Sighs...

Well here is my poem... I know it is ugly but hey my life is ugly anyway...

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My cry

By the_unknown

I cry when I hear laughter.

I know I’m just being bitter.

I cry when I see people together.

These people I want to slaughter.

I cry when I see brotherhood.

Loneliness for years I’ve withstood.

I cry when I see a girl pass by.

I feel that my heart will die.

I cry because no one will know.

The things I’ve done should never show.

I cry for I cannot commit something.

Suicide and the happiness to me it will bring.

I cry to God I’m sorry for being bad.

Peace of mind I never had.

I’m truly sorry for the bad I’ve done to everyone.

Pills, heights, a knife, or a gun?

Nobody even heard my cry.

Now it’s time for me to die, my last goodbye.

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How about that? I think it sums up my problems pretty well... I don't feel like I can last long enough...

Christmas is coming... what better gift to give myself than to end all of my suffering right?

I can only take so much... And to think I can never fully get some help...

I would be lying to myself if I won't tell a doctor about all the things I've done... Its not as serious as Sandusky's but still...

Oh dear... Oh dear... I'm having a really hard time trying to feel composed here...

Sighs...

Wow Just Wow

GOD DAMN IT!!!

My only remaining source of "hope" is now gone... Wow just wow!

I would have to live my life feeling like this... I learned that if I confess of my pedophilia and the things I've done I will be reported by my theraphist to the police... Just how can it get any worse than this?

I have always thought that a theraphist would be able to help me but no... Damn it...

How can You do this to me?! Are You happy now?

When I thought things couldn't get any worse... now knowing that I can not go ask for professional help...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

If I would be put to jail for child molestation, it will only add another lifelong scar to my list...

There is no way out of this mess... GOD HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!??

Well more reason for me to commit suicide then... I have no place anymore to ask for help... and HELL NO GOD IS NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!

God never really helps me on hard times... enough of the stupid verses... enough of the "Footprints in the Sand"... I really wanted to get some professional help and now this happens!

What am I supposed to do? I'm shattered right now... my only ray of hope now gone...

Is this part of God's plan for me to turn to him?  I HAVE BEEN TURNING TO HIM ALL THIS TIME BUT LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME?

Sighs... I'm lost right now... really really lost...

I can't live like this forever... and now that help is not an option... there is only one option left... suicide...

I feel like this blog is coming to an end... It has been a wild ride but I feel like I'm nearing my destination...

What should I do now? Clearly I'm left with no choice...

My Life in Shambles

My life is crumbling to pieces...

Well as I have said before... this blog would serve as my "memoir"... and that include me putting up pictures of my cuts here...

Not that I flaunt it like some stupid emo guy... Everything here has a purpose...

I know its pretty lame...but I am saving "space"... I can only cut on my thighs and my body... I need to conserve these places for the future...

Do I really have to explain this? It is very straight forward... I hate myself...

Another straight forward message... I'm a loser...Notice that I put a " : " there because I am not only a loser... there are many things that I am, like this for example...

See... I'm saving space... I don't want to mindlessly slash myself in horizontal and vertical lines... And it has more "meaning" than just plain old cuts...

Just yesterday, my inferiority has really gone off the roof...

WARNING LOVELESS EMO RANT COMING UP:

Well I feel really down yesterday... I mean nobody really talks to me... Nobody adds me on facebook... Nobody texts me... Nobody even tries to be friendly to me... And there is this guy on the dorm that every girl seems to like... SIGHS... I feel like a total loser... No one from my dorm would even notice me... No girl has ever shown any interest in me... I am not even close with my room mates... occasional nods and smiles but thats it... Many beautiful girls reside on my dorm... triggers me everyday... I keep asking myself what does that guy have why everyone likes him? I mean well I won't even try to give compliments to myself and enumarate the good things that I have since it is worthless and futile...

Anyways, enough of this emo rant... My grades are also slipping so yeah, everything is falling apart... mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...


Christmas is coming... of course I won't be in any parties... of course no one would greet me... of course it is another cold Christmas for me...

My life is in shambles... I feel like God does not want me... Is there reason enough to live?

Maybe God Hates Me

I just want to fucking kill somebody... that somebody is me...

My life (which cannot be considered a "life") is slowly starting to crumble... Everything is falling apart...

I prayed to God yesterday to answer my question: "God do you want me to commit suicide?"... I mean I find the reason to do so everyday...

Then I got the answer (or I think it was an answer) early this morning as I was reading something for our Theology class...

I read something about Adam needing Eve... I read something about "love"... I read something about finding the other one... I read about that a person finds "completeness" with the other... I also read that it is completely wrong to shun the world because it is God's gift for us... And I also read that God made us to be "loving" beings... I will explain everything later...

Early this morning I typed on Google "God hates me"... then I saw one on Yahoo Answers... The guy who asked has problems (duh!) and so he thought that God hates him...

This was the "Best Answer" chosen by the asker:

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"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son ... "

Jesus said "It rains on the just and the unjust alike."

But because God doesn't hate you (in fact He LOVES you), He sent Jesus to die for your sins so you wouldn't have to face the Judge after you die.

Before you start talking about what God hasn't done for you, start with what He HAS done, and respond to that, first, and then take it from there, one step at a time. Jesus said, "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, and ALL these (other) things (that you need) will be added to you."

You can't complain about God not intervening in your life if you have pushed Him away, so the first step is (as I already stated), ask God to forgive you (based on the fact that Jesus died for your sins, in your place and then rose again the morning of the third day), repent (turn your back on) your sins and your old way of life, living ultimately for your self, and allow Jesus to be the Lord (boss) of your life.

Until you take that first step, you're still pushing God away, and as long as you continue to push God away, there's nothing at all God can do. He is, after all, a gentleman and won't force Himself on you. (That would be tantamount to "spiritual rape"). He said, "Behold, I stand at the door (of your heart) and knock. If any one will open (his heart) to me, I will come in and live with him, and he with me."

He said in His Word, "The ear of the Lord is not heavy that He can not hear you, nor is his arms shortened that He can not reach you, but your own sins have made a separation between you and God."

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What about that? I have done all of what I needed to do for God to help me but then what?

I have prayed countless of times for forgiveness... I have tried my best to repent from my sins... I have done quite well, if I might say, to not turn back to doing the things I've done... I always pray that "God just please take control of my life"... I have given Him the "wheel" to control and guide my life... I have asked many many times that He help me get out of this mess... But what has He done?

I need His help the most right now... but I never got any help... Instead of helping me get back up, He always tries His best to put me down... In every single way that He can, God gives me enough reason to feel depressed and down...

Now why do I blame God for every bit of misfortune that has happened to me? Well its simple really, I always pray for help and instead of being "uplifted" I always feel down at the end of the day... I get the exact opposite of what I pray for...

I suddenly remembered about Footprints in the Sand as I am typing this:

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Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

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Quite a contradiction to what I have been rambling earlier... So this past month was the time that I only see one set of footprints because Jesus was carrying me? But why does God need to carry me if He could easily just give me the strenght to walk? Why do I need to suffer if God could just help me out in the first place...

As I've said earlier... I fully believe that I have done everything I could to ask for God's help... I let Him take control of my life but nothing has happened so far? I also tried my best to help myself but to no avail...

Maybe God just wants me to commit suicide... He says He "helps" me but I don't see any help... He makes me remember all these "verses" that should help me continue to hold on... but at the end of the day He puts me back down again...

Or maybe its the devil who puts me down? But if thats the case then why does God let the devil destroy me?

God or the devil, whoever tries to put me down... I came to one conclusion.... I clearly do not belong to this world because apparently God does not want me here...

Do I not receive God's protection and blessings because I haven't gone to church for 6 years now? The only reason I stopped going to church is because of my social anxiety... I left church but I kept my faith... Through hard times Jesus is the only one I have... but I could take only so much pain...

In connection to what I've read on theology...  If the world is God's gift to man... If man was made to love a woman... If we are to find "fulness" in the other person... Then why have I not received / experienced any of them... The obvious reason was that God never intended me to experience about those things... He wants me to just I don't know maybe kill myself or live my life with full of suffering...

I think God finds amusement to my misery and probably to other person's as well... It was explicitly stated that suicide is a sin... so its like I have no choice but to duke it out with this life of mine... No easy way out... I have to live with all this pain and anger througout my whole life... and the means for this to be over is by natural or accidental death...

To sum everything up as to why God hates me:

- God never intended me to enjoy this world and all the things that it can give me like love from fellow humans, especially from an "Eve" for example.

- God always puts me down... well if He is not the one who puts me down... He still does not give me enough help or protection from being put down by external forces.

- I have turned everything down that is of this world. I have put God above all else but I still don't get any help. I might get some blessings (and I'm thanful) but I don't get the important things in life.

- If humans are intended to be social creatures, then why was I not given the capacity to be socialble? Should I just had been in a relationship I would have never developed a paraphilia. Should I just had any sort of social skill then I would not have to be like this.

- And last but not the least... I could say that God hates me or at the very least neglects me because after all He has done for me like saving me from appendicitis (one more day and I would have died so said the surgeon), saving me from a truck (the truck literally flew in front of me), saving me from a serious fever when I was a child (I was literally black and blue)... after all that He has done for me... He now does not even give any attention to my prayers...It was like a plan in the making to make me feel that He loves me only for me to find out that all of that was just a front to hurt me now on my lowest point in my life...

Its hard to explain everything as English is not my first language but deep inside my prayer was answered.

"God do you want me to commit suicide?"

I got the answer...

It was a "eureka" moment... Even God does not want me alive...

Overslept

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I studied yesterday... memorized some provisions for our law class.... but FUCKING DAMN IT!!!

I stupidly overslept... I can't go to class anymore because I will be still considered absent... BULLSHIT!!!

A few more absence and I will be forced to drop my law class... damn...

It is the first time I overslept... STUPID alarm clock (well in my case it is a cellphone) !!! I'm doomed... DOOMED!!!

UGHHHH!!! AGGGHHH!!!

I was absent almost the whole week last week barring Monday and now I am absent again and for no serious reason...

I had to not go to school last week because of my depression but this time I only stupidly fucking overslept by 30 fucking minutes!!!

DAMN IT!!!

Well whats done is done.... but how can I not feel angry about this?

The good thing though is law class is my only class for today... others were cancelled because of some mass...

However it is highly possible that we had a quiz today... I am so dead...

This is something "new"... not related to any "psychological" stuff... but I don't like this kind of "new"...

I need to buy a real alarm clock plus I will also still use my cellphone so thats 2 alarms... and if by then I still won't fucking wake up (but I sometimes pray to God that I won't wake up =P).... then I don't know what to do anymore...

A Vent

Dear diary...

Its the start of a new day... new but the same as before... so its not really new...

I have just read a few replies on a forum that really messes up my mood... I don't want to see that thread again... DAMN!!! Its like someone is putting alcohol on a very very big wound that I have...

School time again... I feel though that I am starting to lose my grip on my mental stabilty... I've been having a really hard time trying to act normal when I'm at school... Its hard to wear a mask when deep down something is destroying you...

Well in general it is hard to live outside of my room because every time I step out I must step out as a "normal" guy... No one must see through me... It is really hard... people think they know you but no...

DAMN that stupid thread I made... made a fool out of myself again... not that it matters because I don't have to hide my face or anything... and the receiver of that damn shit won't also see me so good thing I still saved face...

I'm starting to feel like a volcano... I feel though that anytime I can "erupt"... another violent outburst... things that make me look like a belong to an asylum...

I always go out with a fake smile... my serious deposition is a way for me to "ward off" people so that they won't try to be friends with me... it hurts me when someone tries to be friends with me because I know that they will not really be my friends once they know who the real me is...

Another day... sighs... I wish I can feel a short respite... Exams are coming up next week... still haven't studied... And because I was absent almost the whole week last week I have a lot of things to catch back up... Paper works are also piling up... damn college life... Others survive because they have a "support system of college friends"... me on the other hand... has no support sytem shit whatsoever...

I have just learned yesterday that me longing for someone to love me is futile... I mean what was I even thinking? I clearly have no business with that kind of shit... It hurts but I have to accept that I'll be alone... I'll probably grow old alone having this issues...

Fucking stupid life!

And oh to add to my vent... I saw that some keywords for my blog are "emo cuts on arms", "emo cuts on fore arms"... I mean I'm not a fucking emo... well I don't dress like one... then I looked up in the net about pictures of cutting... Clearly some people are just doing it to be labelled "emo" it has become a fad or whatever...

I don't want to be labelled as an emo guy... I'm only doing this to keep control whenever I feel severely depressed.... damn this kids putting make ups and eyeliners... listening to sad music... damn them they have no idea how it is to be "internally diturbed"... they make it look like cutters are superficial...

Does it look cool? No it doesn't... cuts only serve as a reminder of bad experiences... well why do these emo kids who you see flaunting their make up and smiling like bitches cut? Well to them it looks cool, be called "emo". Fuck that shit!!!

Stupid people... I'd do anything to not be an "emo"... but they try to be... stupid kids... Cutting is not cool... I will do anything to be a normal guy... Stupid bitches...

There are those who don't appreciate the "emo culture"... it is as if they make fun of cutters...

Having depression and other issues is not cool... they try to be all negative in life just to look like their favorite rock bands or whatever...

Bounce...

Up and Down

What a day!

And no, I did not type that on a happy tone... Up and then down... I felt happy and a little bit excited like a child when I have bought 4 tactical folders earlier today... I kept on saying "awesome and cool" because the knives really were awesome and cool... Its so damn sharp, I almost cut myself unintentionally when I took the blade out... I'm planning on making this a collection... still have a lot more to buy though... I mean who needs a fucking "Gillette Razor Blade" ? when you have real (in my case China-made replicas) tactical knives...

They look so cool!!! That was the "up" part of my day... then came the "down"...

As I was about to go home (after buying the tactical folders) a security guard badly mistreated me... He looked at me like I was some sort of scum, he was angry at me for no reason because most probably I looked like I cheated my train ticket...

Damn that guy... I talked to him nicely... after I bought a new ticket I talked to him again but he still looked as though he was going to fucking kill me... I of course was seething from inside... A lowly son of a bitch security guard was looking down on me... Who does he think he is? Whats inside my pocket at that very moment was most likely worth more than what he could get in a month! And I will never forget his fuckingly ugly face... This Friday I'll return to the station to settle the score... No I will not use what I learned from martial arts classes on him because he has a gun and a stick... I was only trained in fist to fist combat, MMA to be more exact...

Why did I let him step on my pride... I was doing nothing wrong but he treated me like I was cheating my way out of a P12 ticket... that bitch... well first of all I thought that I should not even verbally fight him because I remembered that Jesus who is a God was humiliated exponentially by what I experienced... so I was in a dillemma... should I stand up for myself or let him trample on my pride?

I let him step on me... I swallowed my pride... Well look at what Christianity taught me... I know I did the right thing to just "understand" him because he is just a fucking security guard but still...

Anyway a few tears fell out of my eye because whatever self-esteem I have for myself was gone because of that incident... I couldn't even stand up to myself...

But deep inside I knew I did the right thing... I knew I somehow made God happy because I bore in mind His teachings espcially about being humble...

It just ticked me off because I was having a very bad month... Anyways maybe I'll not report him as he may lose his job... I'll let it slide... It feels the right thing to do...

I however thought that I got nothing out of my "being humble" because not only did I reinforce the guard's bad behavior I also destroyed what is left of my self-esteem... but I thought that even if no one saw what I did, God is always watching and maybe He will reward me or something... not that I did it so that I'd have a reward...

But what reward I thought... I wish I'd get a blessing that is not about the material or physical... I always was praying to uhhmmm (never mind its just another romantic emo wish of mine like finding someone who understands, someone who can accept me and all that bullshit)...

Sighs... anyhow I don't feel angry anymore... just feeling like a loser thats all... Sometimes I ask God why He does He always makes me feel like a loser? Or is it the devil who makes me feel this way? I don't know because it could be a two-way argument... I will not spew out my boringly complex argument here... but I do know one thing and that is I have never felt like a winner before...

Just a while ago as I was getting hot water from my dorm's first floor... I saw three beautiful ladies who are also dormers and school mates of mine... They looked at me like I'm some kind of trash that does not belong in the same floor as them... I'm not certain though but that was my observation...

I'm not ugly per se... or am I? But the thing is I always feel like a "lesser" individual to everyone... Social-anxiety, inferiority complex and pedophilia.... AGGHHH!!!  These things are killing me!!!

Well I saw another post on the "remorse" section... this guy apparently is also a pedo and he felt bad about himself... like me he is ashamed and hateful of himself... then I remembered again the things that I've done... This guy had no "molestation contact" with the uhhhmm "victim"... he said he deserved death... if thats the case I also deserve death and in a worse way because I did more horrible things... I don't want to explain it in detail because it will haunt for the rest of the week... And then there are those pedos who really went all the way... they also deserve death but in the worst way...

But if there is remorse then people no matter what they've done deserves help... I got this from someone who replied to my thread... Sounds good to me... but its gonna take a while for a person to completely forgive himself and to also be forgiven by others...

Ugghhh I'm supposed to study for Japanese class... but this whole depression thing has really been affecting my studies a lot!

Well it seems that I will sleep with the "down" side of my day... too bad I really wish that sometimes I could go to sleep feeling better than being depressedor at the very least feeling better than sad...

Sighs

Sighs...

Sighs... all I can say about my day is... sighs... How uncreative of me... well "sighs" is the word (or action for that matter) that best describes my day today... All the missed quizzes... all the missed lectures... sighs...

My grades would definitely be affected... I just had to be totally depressed last week! What timing!

I was supposed to go to our school councellor to get some sort of help but it is easier said than done... I don't know how to approach their office... What should I say? Should I go all out and tell them that I'm having multiple problems all rooted to me being a pedophile and growing up being introverted?

Sighs...

I again always freeze up... I won't bring it up anymore but I also feel sad and alone when I'm at school or any other place where there are many people...

I just can't open my fucking mouth to say something... sighs...

Fuck social anxiety!!! Fuck pedophilia and whatever other problems it has caused me!!!

I have to survive two more weeks of school... two more weeks of stress... two more weeks of loneliness at my dorm... two more weeks of constantly feeling down... When Christmas vacation starts, well I don't know if the holidays can supress my thoughts but its better than being at school being lonely...

Sighs...

Damn it... I need some help... but the only place I get one is on the internet... I'm thankful for that but it would be better if a person would help me face to face... If only someone can accept me in real life... I can't even accept myself and that has to be solved first...

Sighs...

Regret

Fuck...

I'm just being an emo guy a while ago... The thing is I knew it was a bad idea but I pushed through... Ever since I decided to do something about my problems everything just falls apart...I want to die...

The problem was so simple yet it had a big effect one me... Its not just about me looking like a fool by sending that message... No, it was something else...

Because I have been depressed since the 2nd of November (which also happens to be my birthday)... Every little failure is a big thing for me... Even small mistakes do not help when you are already at the lowest point in your life so far...

Sighs... I wish I could turn back time...turn it back to kill myself when I was a baby... I know I'm all words and no action about suicide but I really want it...

I'm a coward, I'm afraid to kill myself... I'm afraid to solve my problems... Yeah just laugh... Laugh at me for being a sissy... Laugh at me for always saying suicide this suicide that but I can't act on it...

I blame my parents for raising me as a Christian... I, to some extent, also blame God for reminding me of some stupid verse...If I were not a Christian I would have definitely ended my stupid life a few years ago...

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I have some sort of plaque on my room that has that damn verse written on it... My father bought it... I'm thinking that God made me a Christian and made me encounter this verse so that at times like this I can hold on... Maybe it was His plan to give me some sort of "Biblical support"...

However, I do not appreciate it... I don't want to just always "hold on"... NO I want to solve my problems... I've been praying for the last 5 years!!! All I got is some sort of verse to cling unto and not the means to solve my problems...

Its hard to explain but I feel like God is neglecting me... instead of helping me out He just gives me some sort of lifeline which is only useable whenever I'm in deep shit... Why does He always bring me down to my knees then help me get back up with some stupid verse and then just put me back down on my knees again??!!

FUCK IT!!! And I have a Theology exam tomorrow!!! How am I supposed to understand God's love if He only helps those who are good??? I mean I did some bad bad things and this is what I get... I understand that but still...

I can't hold on any longer... If I continue like this for a few more days, my brain would explode...

I just want to live a normal life... is it too great of a request to ask dear Lord? Am I not supposed to have a normal, happy life because I am a pedophile???

PUTANG INA!!!

No more... no more...

My Inner Bully: You are a piece of trash you know that? You are a pathetic loser!!! You don't deserve to live... You don't deserve to be happy!!!

My Conscience: You did a bad thing... No wonder bad things happen to you right now...

My Christian Side: No you must hold on... because the Lord said this because the Lord said that...

My Inner Bully: Fuck you!!! Just die fool!!! Nobody wants you in this world!!!

Me: I can't die yet because My Christian Side told me not to...

My Conscience: How can you repent for your sins??? If you just commit suicide then you can pay for it in hell... God also does not really want you in Heaven...

My Inner Bully: Your life is all the proof that you need to see that you need to kill yourself right now!!!

My Conscience: Yeah he is right... just jump off the rail road or something...

And then My Christian Side interferes again... and the cycle goes on...

Everyday its like this... Everyday I have to fight against these things on my mind... Every FUCKING DAY!!!

I should have never even opened a Facebook account... I knew that it will only give me more problems...

SIGHS... I feel so angry, I feel so down, I feel so much pain, I feel so tired, I just want to rest...

My respites don't last too long... School week haven't even started and I'm already out of energy and willpower...

I just want to live a normal life just like most people... I just want to enjoy my teenage years... I just want to feel wanted... I just want to forget everything about me... Well most of the things I want I can never get... to sum it all up I just want to die...

Lord Please Just Take Me Away

FUCK!!!

GOD DAMN IT!!! I thought I was on the right track but then then.... GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!! I AM TYPING THIS SHIT ON ONE OF MY VIOLENT OUTBURSTS!!!

Ayoko nang mabuhay!!! Suko na ako... God just please take me away... I don't want to fucking live anymore!!!

All because of a very simple thing!!! GAH!!! PUTANG INA!!!

This guy on a forum told me that it was good... but then another guy said it is bad... I knew it... It was a very very bad idea for me to confront one of my issues... I know I can't do it yet I tried...

DAMN!!! Thank God for that fucking blade!!! Putang INA!!!

I have an exam tomorrow and I've read this and now I can't focus... It will take a few more days to at least calm down...

I thought and felt a while ago that I was near on getting back to my normal state but now my mood has gone down so fast in a few a seconds...

Back to square one.... I'm FUCKING SCREAMING LIKE A BITCH AT MY DORM... FUCK!!!

I feel like a total loser!!! DAMN!!! I don't wanna live anymore!!! Good thing my room mate is not here... I could freely do anything I want!!! DAMN!!! My room smells like blood and alcohol... it wreaks in here...

I've made up my mind... Once I got the prescription / authorization from a doctor that I could buy some anti-depressants from a drugstore... I will OD myself to death...

If I somehow manage to fucking hold on then laugh at me for being a pussy... I will of course continue to "bully" myself because I can't even END MY PATHETIC SORRY EXCUSE FOR A LIFE!!!

SIGHS... I feel a little relieved... whew...

Heart Still Beats

SIGHS...

I have sent her a message... damn... Well I don't know why I feel nervous... I am not expecting anything... I just wanted to get some things off my chest... Here is the message I sent her:

Please delete this message afterwards and please don’t reply...

Good am... I’m really sorry for bothering you... First of all this message may sound stalker-ish but I promise you its not... This may look creepy or disturbing but I have no intention of being a creep or something else for that matter... I happened to see your profile on facebook on the “people who you might know” section... You of course do not know me, only by name I guess... We were batchmates for two years and I uhhmm... I need to get some things off my chest... It has been bothering me for some time now... I just wanted to say that I used to have a big crush on you... (whew)....  Now that I have said it, it feels good to get some things off my chest...  Its really only a simple thing but at least I have got through an obstacle of sorts...Anyways, I never had the chance to say it to you before... and it has bothered me for some time...  pathetic right? You most likely won’t remember my name anymore... I am not trying to be some sort of stalker here alright? Coincidence happens and when I saw your picture I thought “hey she looks familiar”... and then... I remembered and I decided to say it to you personally... This is not some sort of love letter just to be clear... Please do not reply even if you just want to say how stupid I am for doing this or something along those lines, I just really wanted to have no regrets or anything... I made a fuss over such a small thing but hey thats my nature and I needed to just clear my thoughts away... Now that I have said it to you... I can finally say that I have finished one of my “unfinished businesses in life”... Of course this has no effect on you whatsoever because you can easily disregard and forget that a total stranger sent you a message... but If you have read this then I am thankful to you for giving some attention/time... you have just helped someone...

Again I am not spying on you or anything, it was pure coincidence... This also is not a letter of confession... I am not asking for your pity or anything... But you have helped someone “complete a quest” like in an RPG and I thank you for that...

PLEASE DELETE THIS MESSAGE AND PLEASE DO NOT REPLY... JUST THINK OF IT AS A SPAM THAT REACHED YOUR INBOX... I WILL NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE I PROMISE YOU THAT... SORRY FOR DISTURBING YOU AND YOU WILL HEAR NO MORE FROM ME...

And oh I’m not a liar, when I said that “don’t reply” I mean it... It is not reverse psychology to start an online conversation with you or anything... I really mean it... I am not trying to be an emo guy or anything... I really mean it when I said “don’t reply”... As I have said earlier this message is for the purpose of getting some things off my chest only... I honor my words and you will not be bothered again...GOOD DAY...

Well thats my 4 years worth of repressed emotions right there... I actually feel kinda happy knowing that I did something for myself... I am cleaning out my "closet" and I believed that this one should be dealt with... Only a few more skeletons and my closet will be "okay" again...

I don't care how I come off... all I wanted was to say it... I know she won't bother with it but I can say to myself that I have at least tried...

Looks pathetic though... nevertheless I'm one step closer to solving my problems... even just the minor ones like this...

=)

Coincidental Crossroads

Meh...

I have joined a new forum yesterday... Their section about "Remorse", "Child Abuse", and "Paraphilia" will probably be the most helpful sections for me... I was glad to find the place... People there are more "open" especially to sensitive topics like pedophilia... No we do not plan on something nor do we share some smut... The people there ask for help because they don't want to be a pedo... I mean who wants to be right? Even after admitting it I still don't feel any better... It only causes me to delve more on my thoughts...

Now off to the main topic of my post...

I find it very funny and hurtful at the same time that I saw on facebook my former schoolmate who has indirectly caused me a lot of emotional pain... The first time I saw her profile was on friendster... 4 years ago... I was so nervous on sending her a friend request because I was very shy... On the same mall where I was surfing 4 years ago I saw her profile on facebook... She has not changed... Unknowingly she is still killing someone inside...

I saw her on my freshman year in high school... Attraction at first site... I felt like she was the one who can fill the gaps in my gaping heart... however there was a catch... She was out of my league... I was on the lowest section back then and I was kinda like a slob... To solve my problems... I studied hard to be smarter, I started playing basketball to get fit and i did everything I could to be "likeable"... I have reached my goals on my sophomore year...

I was put on the "star section"... I got fit... and I looked better than last year... But all of my efforts were still futile because even with all of my "improvements" I still feel unworthy to even be her friend... She eventually had a boyfriend who I think is not deserving of her...

I was hurt... of course she does not know that I like her, I think... but the point is I was hurt... My efforts were wasted and I saw someone I consider special just pass me by... (I still feel angry and sad whenever I think of this)... I know its only puppy love but still...

I have lost any interest in school... Suspensions here and there, had a few fights, grades flunking, what else?
From being motivated I went downhill to the point that I had to leave for another school... My grades were passable but I chose to change schools the next year becaus I can't bear the pain of seeing her with someone... So selfish of me but I can't deny that I was really hurt...

Onto my 3rd year of high school in a new school... I have developed a sense of inferiority because of that... I isolated myself... I did not welcome any other form of attraction... because I'm afraid that I will be unworthy again and I'll be hurt...

Things went from worse to worst for me... This was around the time that my depression got worse and I can't control my anger... I went to a psychiatrist because I have a very high chance of being dropped out of school and I was also being more violent... I had the 2nd most number of days absent at 30 something... Before that, on my 2nd year (the time I lost interest in school because of being "heart broken") I had the most number of lates and cuts on that school...

The point is this girl, because she is just so damn perfect, unknowingly destroyed my already broken life... She added to the pain I was suffering... I have lost all of my self confidence during those two years... I felt unworthy, I felt like trash...

I still don't feel confident around women and I don't think I have a chance on the girl who I mentioned a few posts earlier...

Why is this entitled "Coincidental Crossroads" ? I named it like that because of the coincidences like the mall for example... I was also confronting other issues that I have like pedo (same time at sophomore year when I almost tried to...) stuff and now she "shows up"... God must want me to fix all of my problems and finish all of my unfinished business...

I have made up my mind... I will send her a message saying that I used to like her very much and that she has caused me a lot of troubles... No I will not try to be friends with her or anything, I just want to get some things off my chest... She will think that I am a stalker, well she probably already thought of it before because of the friendster feature of "who viewed" your profile... but I don't give a FUCK!!! I want to be "free"... I am doing this for myself... to confront my skeletons on my damn closet...

I will come off as a jerk, I will look like a pathetic stalker, I will look like a freak.... I just don't give a DAMN anymore!!! I am now motivated to solve all of my problems... from my social life to my dark experiences...

I am READY!!! I will of course feel depressed but at least I could say to myself that I left no stone unturned (if its appropriate)... This will make me sad but this will probably help me be a "normal" guy...

I need to clean out my closet...

A Few More

SIGHS...

I don't know why I even post my stupid cuts... It looks ugly but at the same time appropriate... I mean I am very ugly person inside...

I always cut by threes (3)... I don't just cut wildly... I do it in a certain way that can easily be covered by a band-aid...

 

My cuts are really shallow... I feel pathetic... But I've changed my blade...

I cut on places not easily visible... The cut on my leg was more painful than the ones one my forearms...

The cut on my forearm easily healed... The cut on my leg was a day younger so it was more fresh as seen in the pathetic picture...

 

That was my other leg... This time I used a Gillette blade instead of my stupid-ass sharpener blade...

I also cut symmetrically... I don't know why...

 

The picture above was after I have rubbed some alcohol on it... It kept on bleeding for some time so I have to always wipe the blood with an anti-septic...

The cuts on my arms (no not muscles, shit still too small to be visible) were the most painful... I rode the train the other day and it hurt a lot whenever someone bumps at it...

Symmetry...This one was deeper than the other cut on my arm...

 

This was my last cut... It was on my right forearm...Bled a lot... My new blade does the job better...

I treat my cuts as a form of art... a self expression of my depression... I do it by threes (3) and on certain parts of my body... 

I was searching an online "market" and I saw something that fascinated me a lot... I saw a tactical folder... I believe it will do the job better than a thin razor blade... 

FUCK IT!!! This is turning into a habbit of mine... DAMN!!!

My parents saw my cuts... they were non-chalant about it though... they don't really believe that I have any problems... They think I'm just looking for attention, being emo or something...

They always ask me what are the things that bother me... but if I tell them then it would have some serious consequences...

I again end in a deep and depressed - SIGHS...

A Short Respite

Its been almost a month now...

I've had a very very tough month... Every day is a struggle to stay focused on my studies... I think I am near my "boiling point"... I don't feel like going to school anymore... I only attended Monday classes and thats it... I will go back to school next Monday and hopefully by that time I have sorted out my thoughts...

I'm at my parent's house right now to "relax" a little... They know that I have problems... They always ask me "What are my problems?" but I won't tell them any... I just tell them that I have some things on my mind... things that kill me inside...

I don't feel stressed out here in the province... Maybe I'll drive a little just for fun... Maybe I'll go to the mall later to relieve me of my thoughts... I know I'm just suppressing my depression by doing some activities... School related activities cause so much stress so I decided to go back home...

I don't feel stressed out but I still don't have "inner peace"... I can't tell my parents about the things that I've done... It will most probably cause a rift in my family... I don't want that to happen to my family - it is one of the only things that I find important...

Its the first time in a month that I feel like I have nothing to worry about... I feel "fine" as of this moment but I know I'm just on borrowed time... Not everyday is like this... I'll eventually go back to school and catch up on the past lessons and double my efforts to offset my missed quizzes... Ever since my skeletons-in-the-closet resurfaced, my studies have been negatively affected... This is the longest I've been depressed... The usual ones last only a week or two but this one is already a month old and still counting...

I have lost the will to pursue a better future... I don't want to go back to school anymore... College life sucks a lot if you don't have any inspiration... I have lost my only inspiration... I know I'm just being positive, thinking that I have a chance but hell no... Reality struck and it hurts to see the truth... I can live with it though...

Had a bad day yesterday... Lost two games... I'm thinking of permanently stop playing basketball... Almost had a fight with this dude who complained... I wish the referee didn't stop us... The foolish guy thought that his "gym muscles" would scare me... I'm laughing at him thinking that this guy has no idea who he is up against... Not that I'm the best but I train martial arts (BJJ + some Muay Thai) and I can literally kick his head off or permanently destroy his limbs with a submission... Too bad though... He said sorry after our little scuffle so I let it slide... I'm the kind of person that easily forgives someone given that they say sorry or accept my apology... 

Christmas is near... My goal of being in a relationship or at least something near one before Christmas is a failure... I always knew I'd screw up... Looks like another "cold" Christmas for me...

I am doing my best to stay positive... Two more days before I see my doctor for the first time in three years... SIGHS... Dead man walking...

I have many things on my mind... but I won't let them bother me from my short "timeout"... The year is about to end... By far 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had... I really wish that I'll find someone worth living for before this year ends... So far God is the only one who has kept me going... my family also but I feel that nothing will change whether I'm dead or alive... Now if I find someone.... (I have already found her years ago but...)

Nobody really reads this stupid blog of mine... Why do I keep on updating it? I keep updating this blog because this will be my "final notes" if I indeed commit suicide... As the title suggests everything that I write here is an experience on my "Road to XuiXide"...

Thrown Out

To the place where I found some comfort...

I am writing this to say farewell to a place where I found people who care... I registered in SF many months ago... I was looking for a pro-suicide site when I saw SF. I was really depressed that day and I then I saw the forum... I only post in the forum if I am depressed... and I always find people who try to cheer you up... Total strangers telling me that there is hope...

Most of my posts/threads in there are about depression, loneliness, social-anxiety, school related and girl problems... but on a thread titled "Do You Have Evil Thoughts?" I posted something that led me to be depressed for almost a month up to now... I was banned forever...

That was the only place where I told my problems... That site actually helped me on one of my most suicidal moments early this year...

I want to say sorry to the people who had their bad memories brought up because of what I relayed... My problem is kinda like the source of other people's problems... I never intended to bring those back up... I also don't want to remember my bad experiences but it resurfaced...

I'm afraid that cops may bust me or something... If I ever go back to my psychiatrist should I tell her everything? Would she not dial the police and have me arrested? There is no place for me in society... And I cried when I learned that I'm banned of the forum forever... Even if I join on another site with another name, it will still be the same because I am still me... my more serious problems would never go away... I could live in isolation without any friends or anything but there are some things that I can't really shrug off...

Here are the people who have helped me most during my stay in SF: Extrasoap, windlespoons, total eclipse. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me even if its just replying to my rants or something...I wish all of you well and I'm always thankful for you guys being there for me at certain moments I need someone to talk to... My message may not reach you but I'm very thankful for all of your help... I never imagined that total strangers on the other side of the planet would be the ones who will say "Don't give up" or "You are not trash"...

Yesterday was like a bad dream... I had a rough time in school, I did not do well on my game, I realized that my hopes were false, then I got banned... These are not major problems... they are but small dots but when these dots connect they form a larger picture all portraying a very bad experience...

Where will I now seek help? I can't join another forum because it basically has the same rules/guidelines like the former one... If I pretend to be a different guy then I'm just lying to myself... I can't always hide the root of all my pain and suffering...

Its been almost a month now since my depression came back... I thought I have already "sealed" away everything and that I could enjoy my college life but no... I was wrong... its like I'm only trying to cover up the wound to temporarily stop the pain but I'm not treating the wound itself to permanently prevent the pain from coming back...

SIGHS... fuck life... I hate myself but nonetheless my miserable life goes on...

Last Post in SF

Dear fucking diary...

I am actually crying a while ago... I was just thrown off the only place where I can ask for help... Because I admitted that I was once in possession of child porn... I DON'T have any of those shit now... I realized my mistakes and my guilt and conscience kills me... Add that to the fact that I attempted to... my... own......

I was supposed to post a reply to one of the threads in that forum and this is what is says: (Good thing I copy and pasted it, so in essence this is my last post.)

Its not like I wanted it... I actually have stopped for already 2 semesters... I can say that I am "uninterested" because I don't want to hate myself even more and to think about what they are going through pains me... i am disgusted about it and disgusted of myself... And I realize its wrong because it feels wrong... The thing is I still feel guilty about it and especially because I... I have been trying so hard and it seems I can handle myself but the guilt kills me...

I never wanted to be a reminder of bad experiences... I never intended to ask for help about this... I know I deserve far worse than my feelings of depression and suicide... I mean if I were a judge I'd put a death sentence on someone like me...

I understand where people come from... Who can blame them? I wouldn't...

If I triggered something... I'm sorry... It just had to be dug from my deep memories... I only came here to ask about the usual problems like loneliness,depression, etc... but...

I hate myself more than anyone can hate me... To those who think I'm happy with this you are wrong...

@Angerfist: I know its not an excuse... Thats why I feel so much self hate because I...  I don't even know how I got to that point...Feel free to send me "hate" pms if that can relieve you or something...

@gloomy: I'm fine with my life being destroyed by this... I mean I almost destroyed somebody else's... Depriving myself of happiness (friends, self-confidence, social-interaction, etc..) is probably the only way I can somehow "pay" for my...

To those who read this and feel that I should just commit suicide to end my horrible life... I'm sorry I can't because I'll just end my suffering quickly... its like I'm cheating my way out...

And that was supposedly a reply to a thread... Before I even clicked the "send" button I have been banned... Again I'm really sorry for being a reminder of an abusive past... I don't want to hurt anyone... The guilt kills me... I hate myself...

I can't really blame all the hate replies that I got... It is really my fault anyway and I deserve worse than this...

A Rant

Yup...

Yup... I am in deep shit alright... I just saw on wikipedia, it is a reliable source, that there is "no cure yet" for my problem, I don't want to blatantly say it on public because I feel ashamed because of it but with a little critical thinking it is very obvious from my previous posts.... Makes enough sense since damage has already been done... Now I was not shocked... I was kinda expecting it but I'll still try....

I never wanted any of this to happen to me.... I never wanted to do something like that.... SIGHS..... Sometimes life is just unfair... In a few months I'll move to my own condo unit near my university...  My parents would also start letting me drive on my own.... I now have good grades.... dean's lister actually...looks like a good life but deep inside none of those are important although I am very thankful especially to God because of those blessings...

The Little Prince is right - "The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes, but with the heart. One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

I am depriving myself of happiness of life.... I feel horrible but it feels right... This is probably my punishment...

And guess what tomorrow is Monday... SIGHS.... I hate M-W-Fs, I wrote the reason in one of my past posts... I have a lot to do this week, study wise - exams, papers, recitations, sport wise - I have 2 games this week and my body is not yet at the right condition, martial arts wise - I'll probably start training again by the end of the week... I think all of these actitivities will be enough to at least take my mind off my problems...

But just seeing her bothers me a lot... I will try to talk to her... I managed to last week before and during class but not after... I was on top of the world for a few DAMN minutes!!! But I was on the lowest point whenever I realize I can't really approach her especially after class... She was kind enought to at least respond and give me some attention to what I was saying...

SIGHS...

Another Day of Depression

Sighs...

I haven't been to able to go to the doctor last saturday (yesterday) because I attended a required " school talk". The doctor was already out by the time the forum was finished... I managed to tell my problems to a friend and to my parents... I never told them about my "abused becomes abuser" problem... I told them however of my self harm and some reasons for my depression, the latter I did not tell my parents... Anyway it does not feel good... Am I supposed to feel relieved if I tell someone about my problems? I never felt anything close to being relieved, in fact I only felt worse because I put my guard down...

I told my parents a while ago... my dad kinda shrugged it off at first before I talked to them seriously but they responded with the bullshit "you don't have any reason to feel like that because of you are not some beggar or something"... I just told them that it doesn't matter... They however would give me money for the doctor. Money is the only reason why I talked to them. I don't have enough to provide for it. My allowance is not enought to cover that... My sisters overheard and I feel like a total loser... I don't trust my family IDK why...

My parents looked sad especially my mother. I know that they care but they do not understand... I should have never told them because it will make them worry... It also pains me that they said that I was already fine... They thought that my first theraphy was successful because I started going back to shchool... How naive? They never noticed that there is something beneath the mask that I show them. I bowed to never tell them anything about me ever... I'll just show my happy face to them so they won't worry...

They asked me if I have friends... I said yes which is somewhat true but I was never close to anyone... just like my parents my so called "friends" buy into my "normal guy" act...They asked me if I was dumped by a girl... I said no which is also somewhat true because I never even tried to court one because I know I'll get dumped, that girl went to someone unworthy - stupid bitch. That stupid girl was from my high school days... They asked if I should have a girlfriend... I said no which is a probably a lie... but I know I have no chance to be liked by someone...

There was also someone who sent me a pm in a forum... I told her some things about like my "abuser" nature... She never replied... I also saw a thread in there about a guy who suffers the same problem as me... why he has "pedo" tendencies... his description of how he came to be is almost exactly as mine.... It started out as a social anxiety to inferior feelings to finally shifting attraction to people who are not of the same age... The point is this guy was not really welcomed even by the community... The girl who sent a pm was probably disgusted of me... so even in the internet we find no place... But who can blame them?

I know I wouldn't... I hate myself... Just cut a few minutes ago... I deserve to feel pain.... I deserve to not be helped.... I deserve to be lonely.... I don't deserve any compassion... I don't deserve to live...

Coping Up

An assembly of sorts...

Early this afternoon we had an assembly of sorts. There were very good speakers and I learned a lot from them. I felt inspired to help others... here I am again being a "Good Samaritan". A Samaritan who could not even help himself... Well I was depressed the day before because of certain reasons (I posted it here.) and when I woke up - same thing...

I can't seem to connect to the world... I never wanted to cut myself to feel at ease but I have to... Back when I never knew how to use a fucking blade... I had to go through life feeling depressed... I don't want to show that side of me to other people... Its a sign of weakness. I still feel depressed (duh!) but I hide it... I only express my sadness either through a destructive way or crazy-guy way (talking to myself) when nobody is around. So if I still have those feelings and I go outside I feel chaos on my head. I am trying to show my best to others while in fact I am struggling inside. It is a hard thing to do...

Carrying over 3 weeks worth of negative and pent-up emotions, I can't really go to the aforementioned assembly of sorts... I cut myself a little on the forearm and although it hurts I feel a little better - probably because of endorphins... I used to cut on my thighs but I don't want to soil my shorts... I also learned that using 70%  isoprophyll rubbing alcohol to treat cuts hurts a lot but the tickling pain is something that actually makes me laugh...

My way of coping up with the world... How pathetic am I? I thought that this day couldn't get any worse but alas I was wrong. I hitched up with someone I consider a friend, why a friend because I've known him since nursery and we are now on the same college... I always and I mean ALWAYS wear a "mask" whenever I interact with someone but because I felt a little comfortable I was caught off guard... I, for the first time in my life, told my struggles to someone who is not a doctor. Well he basically has the same experience as me, he also never had a good time growing up but mine was worse...Fuck I even showed him my scars DAMN IT!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!! But he looked shocked for some reason... He also managed to pull 3 triggers...

Anyway I told him that what we talked in his car better stay in his DAMN car!!!

Whenever I see my "battle scars" (every day for me is a battle - if I cut I lose) I feel sorry for myself but at the same time I always think that "Go look for that fucking blade and cut yourself fool". They are not exactly that deep because I only have a tiny sharpener blade but the alcohol puts the icing on the cake... Physical pain feels good when you are experiencing social and emotional pain...

You are probably thinking right now that I am such a loser and there are people out there who have more serious problems but they manage to live normally. You might also think that I'm a wuss because the cuts don't look serious. You most likely would also be thinking that I am just your everyday "cutter emo" guy looking for attention.... I don't care what you think about me... this is the only place where I can show how I feel inside...

Oh and if you do thought of those stuff.... FUCK YOU!!! Not everyone is as strong as you...