Down...

Its been a while...

I feel a lot better now... I have opened up to my parents (except about my pedo thing) and it has been very helpful to me...

"Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer has also been very helpful... I'm less negative... I'm more cheerful... My mood has been pretty good and even my "aura" has changed...

There have been of course a few bumps... I'm not yet 100% okay but I'm getting there slowly but surely... Its not an overnight change... There will be times where I will "fall down or stumble" but because of my new outlook I feel like I can still go one...

The book has really opened my mind... God answered my prayers so fast... I needed some help and he gave it... of course change will not come overnight and there will be a lot of obstacles on my way to finally ridding myself of negative emotions/thoughts... but for the first time in 5 years, I felt that there was hope for me...

Its not just "putting a patch" on my wound... I'm now finally treating the wound to make sure it heals up... I have also done many things I wouldn't have done otherwise... I finally started adding friends (I of course know those people) on facebook (I know its a real silly but its a big thing for me to add people even on facebook)...

I'm doing a lot of things to overcome my social anxiety even if its through the internet...Slow steps... but still...

I'm doing pretty well... It will take time to remove social anxiety, inferiority, pessimism but I feel like I have the "tools" that I'll need to overcome this...

I have also found a "reason" as to why I should no longer continue to punish myself... All these years of pain and suffering I've caused to myself because I feel guilty about what I did in the past... I think I've done enough... Its now time to "free" myself on this self-imposed prison that I put upon myself...

Sometimes... the thougths return... My mind is still haunting me and tempting me to go bakc to punishing myself... It has been explained in the book (I'm not yet on that chapter) and its hard to stay positive...

Helping, loving and caring for myself is something new to me... I have always hated myself for as long as I can remember so I'm still confused about it... Sometimes I would question my resolve... Sometimes I would think that I should not be doing this instead I should be thinking of punishing myself more...

But I believe God wants me to live a happy / normal life... It will be hard to remove every last bit of my old self but it will be for the better... He gave me people who are there to help, He gave me understanding parents, He gave me a book / guide on how to recover... He gave me every thing that I will need... Its just up to me to use it properly...

Why is the title "Down" ? ... well I feel a down right now because the girl that I really feel is like a keeper did not even reply to a simple message I sent her... I failed to give her the Christmas gift that I bought... I added her on facebook, she accepted, I sent her a simple "Hi (and a random question about somebody who left a camera on our room)"... I waited for about a week and it seems she has no intention of replying... I even saw her pics and well I must admit defeat to a better man...

"Her smile"... I believe that is the title of the post where I explained how I was attracted to her... we do talk at school but were not really friends...

This is where the obstacles start... Since I must admit defeat to a better person my inferiority complex is flaring up... Since I have let another "keeper" pass be without me even having a chance this is where all my negative thoughts rise up... Since a simple message has been ignored this is where my social anxiety starts to creep in... I'm still in control of all these though but I feel like there is a volcano ready to erupt inside me...

Its going to be a battle... I must control and pacify all these negative emotions/thoughts... I still feel okay... but deep inside I know that its like a beast has been awakened again... a beast that will cause me a lot of suffering... I however am still doing my best to stay positive...

I read on the book... "everything works out for good"... I believe everything will be fine in the end... another quote a good person told me was "everything will be fine in the end... if its not okay its not the end (or something like that)"...

Sighs... And I haven't even really addressed my issue about my pedophilia and incestous thoughts (its up to a psychiatrist to treat/ decipher)... but I believe these thoughts do not define me...

I am better than what I think or feel I am... Even though I "slipped' a couple of times, even though I sometimes have "evil" thoughts... I feel that I am so much better than that and I deserve to live a normal life...

I'm a little down because of this girl but yeah... I'll bounce right back up... I'll rebound this miss...