A Short Respite

Its been almost a month now...

I've had a very very tough month... Every day is a struggle to stay focused on my studies... I think I am near my "boiling point"... I don't feel like going to school anymore... I only attended Monday classes and thats it... I will go back to school next Monday and hopefully by that time I have sorted out my thoughts...

I'm at my parent's house right now to "relax" a little... They know that I have problems... They always ask me "What are my problems?" but I won't tell them any... I just tell them that I have some things on my mind... things that kill me inside...

I don't feel stressed out here in the province... Maybe I'll drive a little just for fun... Maybe I'll go to the mall later to relieve me of my thoughts... I know I'm just suppressing my depression by doing some activities... School related activities cause so much stress so I decided to go back home...

I don't feel stressed out but I still don't have "inner peace"... I can't tell my parents about the things that I've done... It will most probably cause a rift in my family... I don't want that to happen to my family - it is one of the only things that I find important...

Its the first time in a month that I feel like I have nothing to worry about... I feel "fine" as of this moment but I know I'm just on borrowed time... Not everyday is like this... I'll eventually go back to school and catch up on the past lessons and double my efforts to offset my missed quizzes... Ever since my skeletons-in-the-closet resurfaced, my studies have been negatively affected... This is the longest I've been depressed... The usual ones last only a week or two but this one is already a month old and still counting...

I have lost the will to pursue a better future... I don't want to go back to school anymore... College life sucks a lot if you don't have any inspiration... I have lost my only inspiration... I know I'm just being positive, thinking that I have a chance but hell no... Reality struck and it hurts to see the truth... I can live with it though...

Had a bad day yesterday... Lost two games... I'm thinking of permanently stop playing basketball... Almost had a fight with this dude who complained... I wish the referee didn't stop us... The foolish guy thought that his "gym muscles" would scare me... I'm laughing at him thinking that this guy has no idea who he is up against... Not that I'm the best but I train martial arts (BJJ + some Muay Thai) and I can literally kick his head off or permanently destroy his limbs with a submission... Too bad though... He said sorry after our little scuffle so I let it slide... I'm the kind of person that easily forgives someone given that they say sorry or accept my apology... 

Christmas is near... My goal of being in a relationship or at least something near one before Christmas is a failure... I always knew I'd screw up... Looks like another "cold" Christmas for me...

I am doing my best to stay positive... Two more days before I see my doctor for the first time in three years... SIGHS... Dead man walking...

I have many things on my mind... but I won't let them bother me from my short "timeout"... The year is about to end... By far 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had... I really wish that I'll find someone worth living for before this year ends... So far God is the only one who has kept me going... my family also but I feel that nothing will change whether I'm dead or alive... Now if I find someone.... (I have already found her years ago but...)

Nobody really reads this stupid blog of mine... Why do I keep on updating it? I keep updating this blog because this will be my "final notes" if I indeed commit suicide... As the title suggests everything that I write here is an experience on my "Road to XuiXide"...

Thrown Out

To the place where I found some comfort...

I am writing this to say farewell to a place where I found people who care... I registered in SF many months ago... I was looking for a pro-suicide site when I saw SF. I was really depressed that day and I then I saw the forum... I only post in the forum if I am depressed... and I always find people who try to cheer you up... Total strangers telling me that there is hope...

Most of my posts/threads in there are about depression, loneliness, social-anxiety, school related and girl problems... but on a thread titled "Do You Have Evil Thoughts?" I posted something that led me to be depressed for almost a month up to now... I was banned forever...

That was the only place where I told my problems... That site actually helped me on one of my most suicidal moments early this year...

I want to say sorry to the people who had their bad memories brought up because of what I relayed... My problem is kinda like the source of other people's problems... I never intended to bring those back up... I also don't want to remember my bad experiences but it resurfaced...

I'm afraid that cops may bust me or something... If I ever go back to my psychiatrist should I tell her everything? Would she not dial the police and have me arrested? There is no place for me in society... And I cried when I learned that I'm banned of the forum forever... Even if I join on another site with another name, it will still be the same because I am still me... my more serious problems would never go away... I could live in isolation without any friends or anything but there are some things that I can't really shrug off...

Here are the people who have helped me most during my stay in SF: Extrasoap, windlespoons, total eclipse. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me even if its just replying to my rants or something...I wish all of you well and I'm always thankful for you guys being there for me at certain moments I need someone to talk to... My message may not reach you but I'm very thankful for all of your help... I never imagined that total strangers on the other side of the planet would be the ones who will say "Don't give up" or "You are not trash"...

Yesterday was like a bad dream... I had a rough time in school, I did not do well on my game, I realized that my hopes were false, then I got banned... These are not major problems... they are but small dots but when these dots connect they form a larger picture all portraying a very bad experience...

Where will I now seek help? I can't join another forum because it basically has the same rules/guidelines like the former one... If I pretend to be a different guy then I'm just lying to myself... I can't always hide the root of all my pain and suffering...

Its been almost a month now since my depression came back... I thought I have already "sealed" away everything and that I could enjoy my college life but no... I was wrong... its like I'm only trying to cover up the wound to temporarily stop the pain but I'm not treating the wound itself to permanently prevent the pain from coming back...

SIGHS... fuck life... I hate myself but nonetheless my miserable life goes on...

Last Post in SF

Dear fucking diary...

I am actually crying a while ago... I was just thrown off the only place where I can ask for help... Because I admitted that I was once in possession of child porn... I DON'T have any of those shit now... I realized my mistakes and my guilt and conscience kills me... Add that to the fact that I attempted to... my... own......

I was supposed to post a reply to one of the threads in that forum and this is what is says: (Good thing I copy and pasted it, so in essence this is my last post.)

Its not like I wanted it... I actually have stopped for already 2 semesters... I can say that I am "uninterested" because I don't want to hate myself even more and to think about what they are going through pains me... i am disgusted about it and disgusted of myself... And I realize its wrong because it feels wrong... The thing is I still feel guilty about it and especially because I... I have been trying so hard and it seems I can handle myself but the guilt kills me...

I never wanted to be a reminder of bad experiences... I never intended to ask for help about this... I know I deserve far worse than my feelings of depression and suicide... I mean if I were a judge I'd put a death sentence on someone like me...

I understand where people come from... Who can blame them? I wouldn't...

If I triggered something... I'm sorry... It just had to be dug from my deep memories... I only came here to ask about the usual problems like loneliness,depression, etc... but...

I hate myself more than anyone can hate me... To those who think I'm happy with this you are wrong...

@Angerfist: I know its not an excuse... Thats why I feel so much self hate because I...  I don't even know how I got to that point...Feel free to send me "hate" pms if that can relieve you or something...

@gloomy: I'm fine with my life being destroyed by this... I mean I almost destroyed somebody else's... Depriving myself of happiness (friends, self-confidence, social-interaction, etc..) is probably the only way I can somehow "pay" for my...

To those who read this and feel that I should just commit suicide to end my horrible life... I'm sorry I can't because I'll just end my suffering quickly... its like I'm cheating my way out...

And that was supposedly a reply to a thread... Before I even clicked the "send" button I have been banned... Again I'm really sorry for being a reminder of an abusive past... I don't want to hurt anyone... The guilt kills me... I hate myself...

I can't really blame all the hate replies that I got... It is really my fault anyway and I deserve worse than this...

A Rant

Yup...

Yup... I am in deep shit alright... I just saw on wikipedia, it is a reliable source, that there is "no cure yet" for my problem, I don't want to blatantly say it on public because I feel ashamed because of it but with a little critical thinking it is very obvious from my previous posts.... Makes enough sense since damage has already been done... Now I was not shocked... I was kinda expecting it but I'll still try....

I never wanted any of this to happen to me.... I never wanted to do something like that.... SIGHS..... Sometimes life is just unfair... In a few months I'll move to my own condo unit near my university...  My parents would also start letting me drive on my own.... I now have good grades.... dean's lister actually...looks like a good life but deep inside none of those are important although I am very thankful especially to God because of those blessings...

The Little Prince is right - "The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes, but with the heart. One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

I am depriving myself of happiness of life.... I feel horrible but it feels right... This is probably my punishment...

And guess what tomorrow is Monday... SIGHS.... I hate M-W-Fs, I wrote the reason in one of my past posts... I have a lot to do this week, study wise - exams, papers, recitations, sport wise - I have 2 games this week and my body is not yet at the right condition, martial arts wise - I'll probably start training again by the end of the week... I think all of these actitivities will be enough to at least take my mind off my problems...

But just seeing her bothers me a lot... I will try to talk to her... I managed to last week before and during class but not after... I was on top of the world for a few DAMN minutes!!! But I was on the lowest point whenever I realize I can't really approach her especially after class... She was kind enought to at least respond and give me some attention to what I was saying...

SIGHS...

Another Day of Depression

Sighs...

I haven't been to able to go to the doctor last saturday (yesterday) because I attended a required " school talk". The doctor was already out by the time the forum was finished... I managed to tell my problems to a friend and to my parents... I never told them about my "abused becomes abuser" problem... I told them however of my self harm and some reasons for my depression, the latter I did not tell my parents... Anyway it does not feel good... Am I supposed to feel relieved if I tell someone about my problems? I never felt anything close to being relieved, in fact I only felt worse because I put my guard down...

I told my parents a while ago... my dad kinda shrugged it off at first before I talked to them seriously but they responded with the bullshit "you don't have any reason to feel like that because of you are not some beggar or something"... I just told them that it doesn't matter... They however would give me money for the doctor. Money is the only reason why I talked to them. I don't have enough to provide for it. My allowance is not enought to cover that... My sisters overheard and I feel like a total loser... I don't trust my family IDK why...

My parents looked sad especially my mother. I know that they care but they do not understand... I should have never told them because it will make them worry... It also pains me that they said that I was already fine... They thought that my first theraphy was successful because I started going back to shchool... How naive? They never noticed that there is something beneath the mask that I show them. I bowed to never tell them anything about me ever... I'll just show my happy face to them so they won't worry...

They asked me if I have friends... I said yes which is somewhat true but I was never close to anyone... just like my parents my so called "friends" buy into my "normal guy" act...They asked me if I was dumped by a girl... I said no which is also somewhat true because I never even tried to court one because I know I'll get dumped, that girl went to someone unworthy - stupid bitch. That stupid girl was from my high school days... They asked if I should have a girlfriend... I said no which is a probably a lie... but I know I have no chance to be liked by someone...

There was also someone who sent me a pm in a forum... I told her some things about like my "abuser" nature... She never replied... I also saw a thread in there about a guy who suffers the same problem as me... why he has "pedo" tendencies... his description of how he came to be is almost exactly as mine.... It started out as a social anxiety to inferior feelings to finally shifting attraction to people who are not of the same age... The point is this guy was not really welcomed even by the community... The girl who sent a pm was probably disgusted of me... so even in the internet we find no place... But who can blame them?

I know I wouldn't... I hate myself... Just cut a few minutes ago... I deserve to feel pain.... I deserve to not be helped.... I deserve to be lonely.... I don't deserve any compassion... I don't deserve to live...

Coping Up

An assembly of sorts...

Early this afternoon we had an assembly of sorts. There were very good speakers and I learned a lot from them. I felt inspired to help others... here I am again being a "Good Samaritan". A Samaritan who could not even help himself... Well I was depressed the day before because of certain reasons (I posted it here.) and when I woke up - same thing...

I can't seem to connect to the world... I never wanted to cut myself to feel at ease but I have to... Back when I never knew how to use a fucking blade... I had to go through life feeling depressed... I don't want to show that side of me to other people... Its a sign of weakness. I still feel depressed (duh!) but I hide it... I only express my sadness either through a destructive way or crazy-guy way (talking to myself) when nobody is around. So if I still have those feelings and I go outside I feel chaos on my head. I am trying to show my best to others while in fact I am struggling inside. It is a hard thing to do...

Carrying over 3 weeks worth of negative and pent-up emotions, I can't really go to the aforementioned assembly of sorts... I cut myself a little on the forearm and although it hurts I feel a little better - probably because of endorphins... I used to cut on my thighs but I don't want to soil my shorts... I also learned that using 70%  isoprophyll rubbing alcohol to treat cuts hurts a lot but the tickling pain is something that actually makes me laugh...

My way of coping up with the world... How pathetic am I? I thought that this day couldn't get any worse but alas I was wrong. I hitched up with someone I consider a friend, why a friend because I've known him since nursery and we are now on the same college... I always and I mean ALWAYS wear a "mask" whenever I interact with someone but because I felt a little comfortable I was caught off guard... I, for the first time in my life, told my struggles to someone who is not a doctor. Well he basically has the same experience as me, he also never had a good time growing up but mine was worse...Fuck I even showed him my scars DAMN IT!!! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!! But he looked shocked for some reason... He also managed to pull 3 triggers...

Anyway I told him that what we talked in his car better stay in his DAMN car!!!

Whenever I see my "battle scars" (every day for me is a battle - if I cut I lose) I feel sorry for myself but at the same time I always think that "Go look for that fucking blade and cut yourself fool". They are not exactly that deep because I only have a tiny sharpener blade but the alcohol puts the icing on the cake... Physical pain feels good when you are experiencing social and emotional pain...

You are probably thinking right now that I am such a loser and there are people out there who have more serious problems but they manage to live normally. You might also think that I'm a wuss because the cuts don't look serious. You most likely would also be thinking that I am just your everyday "cutter emo" guy looking for attention.... I don't care what you think about me... this is the only place where I can show how I feel inside...

Oh and if you do thought of those stuff.... FUCK YOU!!! Not everyone is as strong as you...

Her Smile

Damn...

Just as I expected... I failed again as usual... If only I have the courage to take out my own eyes to not see. If only I could rip my heart to not feel. So "emo"... I hate it... I have never thought that this kind of thing will happen to me. I always thought that I could live alone... I told myself to not "feel" again... I have rejected the notion of love... I was succesful for 2-3 years but then one day and BOOM!!! Everything that I believed in was put to pieces. Laugh at me cruel fate! I experience some sort of dissonance inside... I don't feel butterflies in my stomach... I only feel the pain that I was attracted to someone but couldn't do anything about it.

Why couldn't I do anything about it? Everythin about me is wrong... I can't let people know who I am... what I am... what I've done... My isolation is taking a huge toll on my mind... I can stand isolation if I can't see people... but everyday I have to go to class... and every other day I have to see her... PUTANG INA!!!

In a world where everyone is connected here I am left out... an outcast if you will... The internet is oppressing me... College is oppressing me... and in the end I oppress myself... AHHHHHH!!!!!

I can't go to my doctor this Saturday... I have a class which I'll attend... I thought that if I could see my doctor again and explain my situation maybe I'll feel a little relieved... But NO!!! I have another week to try and survive... I'll have to wake up for another 7 days knowing that I would go someplace that is full of triggers!!! Every M-W-F a bigger trigger is always present...

Mind: What?!! People are your trigger?!!!
Me: Yes...
Mind: LOL, sorry ass bitch LOL!!!
Me: .........
Mind: Go kill yourself already! Your a sorry exceuse for a person!!!
Me: I know that! Don't rub it on my face!!!
Mind: Then if you know that why do you still continue to try to exist?
Me: (starts listing down the pros and cons of suicide... becomes a coward in the end)
Mind: You are even afraid to take your life!!! Man your pathetic!!!
Me: (starts thinking about my Christian values.... prays to God... prays for forgiveness and praying for a better tomorrow.... cuts if head hurts too much and chest feels so heavy.... then goes to sleep)
The next morning after class.... SAME THING AGAIN!!!

This has been happening to me for a long time... but it became worse when a girl smiled at me... I never thought that I would be noticed for I am a piece of trash... My mind was confused... my heart feels pain... my soul starts to wither...

And she smiled again at me a while ago.... PUTANG INA!!! But I know deep inside that I could just pathetically try to be confident... No matter what I do I'll end up short... But why do I try to start a conversation, something I absolutely suck at? Why do I try to get out of my situation, something that would never improve? Why did I even go to school, something I should have never done???

BULLSHIT!!!!!!

Was I Happy Today?

I think it was a good day for the most part...

I think I have helped someone, her grandpa is sick so... Anyways, I feel fine for the most part... until I realized that I can't even help myself and here I am being the good Samaritan... I almost got what I thought I wanted but I cannot afford to lose my dignity and break my morals - its one of the only things I got left with me. I just missed something that probably will never happen again...

Got a freudian slip in class and made a fool out of myself but I'm impervious to those laughter... there is always a point where one doesnt care anymore and I have suffered more shameful stuff.

Mood is pretty even now, not really down but it always comes back at the latter part of the day. I do not feel lonely, not that I magically have some friends or so. I don't know, I actually felt happy that I helped someone but I feel pathetic that I can't even help myself, no one around me would even try.

College takes a toll on my mind and add that up with what I'm going through with the past two weeks and I feel totally burned out not by studying but by trying to stay as positive and hopeful as I can. My depression was supposedly gone a few years ago but hey ho its here laughing at my face again. And about it being gone my parents "declared" it since they saw me going to school everyday and not breaking stuff and the likes, however now that its back I don't want anyone and I mean ANYONE to know that I will go back to the doctor. I don't want my relatives to make jokes about it again!

I'm expecting another tough day tomorrow, I'll just see her again and not be able to talk because I have issues that deprives me of happiness...

I Am Not Number 4

Diary...

This past two weeks were very rough. At one moment I was very happy. I felt like I overcame some of my "obstacles" but then suddenly my mood went down drastically. I realized that I'll never improve myself. It has been 6 days now that I'm feeling depressed. It has been interrupting my studies. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor... I "googled" if there are any near my area and I was surprised to see that my former doctor also has a clinic in a nearby hospital. I have mixed emotions, for one I feel like this would help me, but I also feel hessitant because I am planning to tell everything unlike the last time. I just want to think things through but I unfortunately have classes. Everytime I come back from school I feel more depressed. There is something about seeing groups of people or at least a couple that really bothers me. I am probably just jealous and insecure... However I can't ditch classes because in college every class is important.

I saw the number of views... there are maybe a few people who can read this...

Feel free to laugh at my miserably simple problems...

3rd Day of Despair

3rd entry:

My chest feels so heavy. I feel so sad right now... I never thought that a serious reflection about myself would make me depressed... I knew that I had many many flaws, I recognize them and it depreciates my self-worth... But I did not reflect on my more serious flaws... I "stored" them and never brought them back out... But a thread made me take a look at it... It had a huge effect on me, I feel guilty of what I've done but I never took it seriously. To begin with I never had any social skills, my self-esteem never developed because of the circumstances I've had growing up... I don't interact too much not because I don't want to but because I can't... My self hate grew, my self confidence diminished, my social skills became non-existent. I always exclude myself and it feels right.

I however did something that would really made me hate myself even more, its not just about self confidence problems but also I feel so ashamed of myself thats why I up to this point never had any close friends...

I had "friends" but I always put on a mask so they don't really know me. I reject people by not being friendly with them... I act cold so they would not come near me... I don't want them because I know that they will never want me... Most of the people I know are ignorant, they think I have no reason wto have problems but problems do not always arise from material insuffiency... Most of the people I know, when I see them, asks me:

Arrogant Person I unfortunately know: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one.
Arrogant Person: Why?
Me: I prioritize other things. (I lie with a very serious face)
Arrogant Person: Maybe you are gay:
Me: No I'm not ( I don't show that I'm hurt)
Arrogant Person: Why don't you have one? You have (inserts compliments that are based on physical/material stuff).
Me: ........... (It's not that simple... I know very well that no one would like me for who I am so why bother right?)

And the arrogant person is everyone I know. I have been asked like a hundred of times by my classmates,relatives,family friends,almost everyone I know of. Same question, same answers, I sometimes smile to show that I just shrug the question off.

It hurts me a lot... Its like they keep rubbing it off on me... They know that I'll never have one but they keep asking like making fun of me...

I always say to myself that if I will only have at least one girl who would love me for who I am then I'll be happy even if the whole world hates me...

The problem is I'm unlikeable, even I don't like what I see in the mirror. Its not that I'm ugly physically... I'm ugly on the inside, my soul is ugly as fuck.

While many of my country men suffer because of poverty, here I am being "emo" about "unimportant" stuff. Hey love is also a basic need according to Maslow.

My problem seems so simple and trivial but I don't know how to overcome it... I could always get a prostitute to shut people up (I am of legal age)... but my problem is myself.... who I am, what I am...

I don't even look in a person's eyes directly because I feel so ashamed of myself... I am always labelled as rude because I just pass by people I know if they won't make the first greeting. Everyone knows I'm an introvert but no one knows that I'm happy being one...

Of course no one would think that I have internal problems because I'm such a good actor... Even my parents think I'm normal now... My theraphy (stopped 2 years ago) was only on controlling my anger and holding off my emotions but they don't know that my destructive nature is caused by what I've written here... My theraphist, school councilors didn't know that I have "deeper" problems... I always lied to them.

I don't know if I should be thankful of it or not but have I never believed in God I would have never lasted. I am "forced" to go through my life. Maybe everything that I have posted is a test for me to overcome. Maybe a punishment. Maybe its the devil trying to screw me up.

Im uncertain but I'm sure of one thing, I can't always live like this. There will be a breaking point, I have never reached it yet. My 2 suicide attempts were not on the "breaking point". I was just depressed thats why I chickened out.

Everyone has problems, it so just happens that mine is simple and I can't solve it.

2nd Entry

Dear fucking diary...

I feel so ashamed of myself... I just told something about me that is really loathsome... I hate myself... That thing really deprived me of everything that I should have enjoyed. I hate myself for not being a better person... One of the underlying reasons for my lack of social skills, self confidence and my self hatred... I blame myself, I also blame my parents, I also blame him... I feel guilty... I should have never... I hate myself...

Day 1

My first diary... is about:

Me seeing the reality that no one would like me. Me waking up in a dream where I thought that I can have someone. I really like her smile. It is really painful to see another person who I think could make me happy just pass by. Hey I don't blame them... who would like me anyway? I can only look at them from afar and be happy that at least I saw a beautiful person.

I gave myself up to 20 years old. When I reach 20 and I still have not found a way to make me likeable, I'll truly push through the last step. Its a plan I made 3 years ago when i was still 15. The best time would be the day before I graduate. People would be shocked, those who don't know me would think that I wasted my life but no it was already null even before I ended it. Of course I'm doing my best to at least gain confidence... I train and study hard but to no avail. I'm now a dean's lister, I did my best to have a fit body but still... I'm not ugly realistically speaking, I also have a fairly good life. I have no vices but why would no one...

God gives us blessings, I'm thankful for what I have but why is love something I can't receive? I feel really lonely and sad. This body and life would have been used properly by a better soul... I would just hurt myself later, I'll make my emotions pile up first before I release it through my blade.