3rd Day of Despair

3rd entry:

My chest feels so heavy. I feel so sad right now... I never thought that a serious reflection about myself would make me depressed... I knew that I had many many flaws, I recognize them and it depreciates my self-worth... But I did not reflect on my more serious flaws... I "stored" them and never brought them back out... But a thread made me take a look at it... It had a huge effect on me, I feel guilty of what I've done but I never took it seriously. To begin with I never had any social skills, my self-esteem never developed because of the circumstances I've had growing up... I don't interact too much not because I don't want to but because I can't... My self hate grew, my self confidence diminished, my social skills became non-existent. I always exclude myself and it feels right.

I however did something that would really made me hate myself even more, its not just about self confidence problems but also I feel so ashamed of myself thats why I up to this point never had any close friends...

I had "friends" but I always put on a mask so they don't really know me. I reject people by not being friendly with them... I act cold so they would not come near me... I don't want them because I know that they will never want me... Most of the people I know are ignorant, they think I have no reason wto have problems but problems do not always arise from material insuffiency... Most of the people I know, when I see them, asks me:

Arrogant Person I unfortunately know: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one.
Arrogant Person: Why?
Me: I prioritize other things. (I lie with a very serious face)
Arrogant Person: Maybe you are gay:
Me: No I'm not ( I don't show that I'm hurt)
Arrogant Person: Why don't you have one? You have (inserts compliments that are based on physical/material stuff).
Me: ........... (It's not that simple... I know very well that no one would like me for who I am so why bother right?)

And the arrogant person is everyone I know. I have been asked like a hundred of times by my classmates,relatives,family friends,almost everyone I know of. Same question, same answers, I sometimes smile to show that I just shrug the question off.

It hurts me a lot... Its like they keep rubbing it off on me... They know that I'll never have one but they keep asking like making fun of me...

I always say to myself that if I will only have at least one girl who would love me for who I am then I'll be happy even if the whole world hates me...

The problem is I'm unlikeable, even I don't like what I see in the mirror. Its not that I'm ugly physically... I'm ugly on the inside, my soul is ugly as fuck.

While many of my country men suffer because of poverty, here I am being "emo" about "unimportant" stuff. Hey love is also a basic need according to Maslow.

My problem seems so simple and trivial but I don't know how to overcome it... I could always get a prostitute to shut people up (I am of legal age)... but my problem is myself.... who I am, what I am...

I don't even look in a person's eyes directly because I feel so ashamed of myself... I am always labelled as rude because I just pass by people I know if they won't make the first greeting. Everyone knows I'm an introvert but no one knows that I'm happy being one...

Of course no one would think that I have internal problems because I'm such a good actor... Even my parents think I'm normal now... My theraphy (stopped 2 years ago) was only on controlling my anger and holding off my emotions but they don't know that my destructive nature is caused by what I've written here... My theraphist, school councilors didn't know that I have "deeper" problems... I always lied to them.

I don't know if I should be thankful of it or not but have I never believed in God I would have never lasted. I am "forced" to go through my life. Maybe everything that I have posted is a test for me to overcome. Maybe a punishment. Maybe its the devil trying to screw me up.

Im uncertain but I'm sure of one thing, I can't always live like this. There will be a breaking point, I have never reached it yet. My 2 suicide attempts were not on the "breaking point". I was just depressed thats why I chickened out.

Everyone has problems, it so just happens that mine is simple and I can't solve it.