Thrown Out

To the place where I found some comfort...

I am writing this to say farewell to a place where I found people who care... I registered in SF many months ago... I was looking for a pro-suicide site when I saw SF. I was really depressed that day and I then I saw the forum... I only post in the forum if I am depressed... and I always find people who try to cheer you up... Total strangers telling me that there is hope...

Most of my posts/threads in there are about depression, loneliness, social-anxiety, school related and girl problems... but on a thread titled "Do You Have Evil Thoughts?" I posted something that led me to be depressed for almost a month up to now... I was banned forever...

That was the only place where I told my problems... That site actually helped me on one of my most suicidal moments early this year...

I want to say sorry to the people who had their bad memories brought up because of what I relayed... My problem is kinda like the source of other people's problems... I never intended to bring those back up... I also don't want to remember my bad experiences but it resurfaced...

I'm afraid that cops may bust me or something... If I ever go back to my psychiatrist should I tell her everything? Would she not dial the police and have me arrested? There is no place for me in society... And I cried when I learned that I'm banned of the forum forever... Even if I join on another site with another name, it will still be the same because I am still me... my more serious problems would never go away... I could live in isolation without any friends or anything but there are some things that I can't really shrug off...

Here are the people who have helped me most during my stay in SF: Extrasoap, windlespoons, total eclipse. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me even if its just replying to my rants or something...I wish all of you well and I'm always thankful for you guys being there for me at certain moments I need someone to talk to... My message may not reach you but I'm very thankful for all of your help... I never imagined that total strangers on the other side of the planet would be the ones who will say "Don't give up" or "You are not trash"...

Yesterday was like a bad dream... I had a rough time in school, I did not do well on my game, I realized that my hopes were false, then I got banned... These are not major problems... they are but small dots but when these dots connect they form a larger picture all portraying a very bad experience...

Where will I now seek help? I can't join another forum because it basically has the same rules/guidelines like the former one... If I pretend to be a different guy then I'm just lying to myself... I can't always hide the root of all my pain and suffering...

Its been almost a month now since my depression came back... I thought I have already "sealed" away everything and that I could enjoy my college life but no... I was wrong... its like I'm only trying to cover up the wound to temporarily stop the pain but I'm not treating the wound itself to permanently prevent the pain from coming back...

SIGHS... fuck life... I hate myself but nonetheless my miserable life goes on...