Her Smile

Damn...

Just as I expected... I failed again as usual... If only I have the courage to take out my own eyes to not see. If only I could rip my heart to not feel. So "emo"... I hate it... I have never thought that this kind of thing will happen to me. I always thought that I could live alone... I told myself to not "feel" again... I have rejected the notion of love... I was succesful for 2-3 years but then one day and BOOM!!! Everything that I believed in was put to pieces. Laugh at me cruel fate! I experience some sort of dissonance inside... I don't feel butterflies in my stomach... I only feel the pain that I was attracted to someone but couldn't do anything about it.

Why couldn't I do anything about it? Everythin about me is wrong... I can't let people know who I am... what I am... what I've done... My isolation is taking a huge toll on my mind... I can stand isolation if I can't see people... but everyday I have to go to class... and every other day I have to see her... PUTANG INA!!!

In a world where everyone is connected here I am left out... an outcast if you will... The internet is oppressing me... College is oppressing me... and in the end I oppress myself... AHHHHHH!!!!!

I can't go to my doctor this Saturday... I have a class which I'll attend... I thought that if I could see my doctor again and explain my situation maybe I'll feel a little relieved... But NO!!! I have another week to try and survive... I'll have to wake up for another 7 days knowing that I would go someplace that is full of triggers!!! Every M-W-F a bigger trigger is always present...

Mind: What?!! People are your trigger?!!!
Me: Yes...
Mind: LOL, sorry ass bitch LOL!!!
Me: .........
Mind: Go kill yourself already! Your a sorry exceuse for a person!!!
Me: I know that! Don't rub it on my face!!!
Mind: Then if you know that why do you still continue to try to exist?
Me: (starts listing down the pros and cons of suicide... becomes a coward in the end)
Mind: You are even afraid to take your life!!! Man your pathetic!!!
Me: (starts thinking about my Christian values.... prays to God... prays for forgiveness and praying for a better tomorrow.... cuts if head hurts too much and chest feels so heavy.... then goes to sleep)
The next morning after class.... SAME THING AGAIN!!!

This has been happening to me for a long time... but it became worse when a girl smiled at me... I never thought that I would be noticed for I am a piece of trash... My mind was confused... my heart feels pain... my soul starts to wither...

And she smiled again at me a while ago.... PUTANG INA!!! But I know deep inside that I could just pathetically try to be confident... No matter what I do I'll end up short... But why do I try to start a conversation, something I absolutely suck at? Why do I try to get out of my situation, something that would never improve? Why did I even go to school, something I should have never done???

BULLSHIT!!!!!!